Okay I have decided to attempt to create a story. I don't know how it will turn out. And yes, this is my first story. Please note that none of this ever happened in the game! I would very much appreciate it if people were completly honest about what they really think. If you feel that it is bad, please do tell me so. So now that everyone thinks that the story is going to be horrible (:) ) here it is!: Chapter One Setting: Destiny Island Kairi suddenly woke up. She must have had some sort of bad dream. She couldn’t remember it what had happened or even what it was about so she just decided to forget it. She looked up the clock in her room; the time was 9:30 so she decided to get up. She climbed out of bed and brushed her hair. After she was done she put on her pink dress. She always felt prettier when she wore it and she wanted to look good for Sora and Riku. Even though neither of them had really told her that they liked her... it was quite apparent that they did. She decided to see if anyone else was up yet. As soon as she left her room and got out side, she could tell that the usually clear blue sky had been replaced by a dark gray-blue, cloudy sky. There was heavy rain coming down. She quickly ran to the cave where she used to draw some times. When she got there Sora and Riku were already there. They were fighting- typical- and it appeared that Sora was winning. Sora looked up and smiled at her. While Sora did that, Riku hit him. “Hey, Riku, that was so unfair! I was just saying hi to Kairi!” Sora whined. Kairi placed her hand over her mouth and giggled. She thought it was adorable how whiny and immature Sora was. But she liked how Riku took every possible chance to beat Sora as well. She happened to like them both, a lot. She always had. Kairi watched them fight for a while. It was really boring to her. All they did was whack each other with sticks. Come on, don’t they have anything better to do? After what seemed like forever, Sora gave up. Smiling, Riku took a bow. Then he looked up and winked at Kairi. “Riku, what was that for?” Kairi questioned. “Well, Sora and I have been talking lately. We both like you a lot. We know that you already know that. We both want you.” Kairi looked up, confused and let Riku continue. “You see Kairi, Sora and I aren’t kids anymore. We have many more feelings than we used to. Many of those feelings, are about you. We are tired of fighting over you Kairi! We want you to choose!” Riku ended. Kairi looked up startled. She knew it would come to this sooner or later. She had of course hoped it would be later, “You want me to what?” Kairi asked. Sora looked up now, he was definitely angry. “We want you to chose who you like Kairi. Me or him. There is no happy medium.” Kairi knew what she heard was true. She wouldn’t accept it though. She was scared and ran back inside to her room. ~~~~ Okay that is it so far. Please comment! Be completly honest :)
Well, i think it's good for an Attempted Start. I noticed one spelling error and one punctuation problem, but i'm a nitpicker. Try and make the next chapter a little bit longer, and always, ALWAYS read over your finished draft to check for both spelling and grammatical errors, but otherwise SPELLING ERROR PUNCTUATION ERROR ^ (Should be a period or exclamation mark, not a comma) (I bolded the errors, just to let you know)
Thank you :) Funny wasn't really what I was going for but at least you liked it :D ~~~ I think I am going to try to type another chapter before I go to sleep. :D :)
mmkay, I'm going to be Honest. Not only beacuase I always try to be honest with fellow writers, but because you asked for it and I have alot of respect for people who aren't willing jus to take the pat on the back. So I am here. ::Strikes pose and hops off Soapbox:: You have a wonderful Idea here. I simply adore love triangles (or as I call them Love Daggers) and Sora/Kairi/Riku are one of my most favoritest! I love the dynamics between the two of them in KHI and you really seems to grip that. Also, Kairi is a angel and I love the affect you seem to show between her and the two of them, along with her irritation of being left out. xD (Personally I don't know why she'd complaining. Getting to watch those two cuties all day? ::giggle::) That and Riku winked at Kairi. The Riku/Kairi shipper in me just squeal and danced for joy. XD The Riku/Kairi shipper in me is rather easily amused if you can tell. However, I have three problems with this- One- You go too fast. You lead us right into the crux of the problem without the rising action and suspese. Half the fun of writing these Love Dagger Stories is making us shipper sqirm and tear our hair out before the big clash. Your joy is our tourtured pain! XD Lead us up to it anf go... wack! when we're not looking! Maybe instead of just dropping that bomb on us, you could have Sora and Kairi talk and then Riku and Kairi talk and then maybe one day Sora lets something leak to Riku and BOOM things just expload and we're all like "OH no!" But not in the first chapter. That leads to problem two. Two- Out of Character. This is linked to the first problem. I don't think Riku or sora would say something like “We have many more feelings than we used to. Many of those feelings, are about you. We are tired of fighting over you Kairi! We want you to choose!†unless you give us a reason. Don't get me wrong! I likethat line alot. I think it really sums up your story. It was just too early. Now can see Riku saying that, but give us more insight. This can be fixed by just slowing down and building some character devolpment. You can make the craziest things fit if you build up the "why" first. I've see Roxas/Kairi, Zexion/Kairi, Axel/Namine, Riku/Namine... all beautiful fics that could have only worked by the build up. Lastly, try puting a space/enter between paragraph/speech. It just makes it look prettier. :nod: That's more of a pet peeve than anything though. XD ::Looks sad::Please don't get discouraged. I promised I really do like this story. I won't have just spent the time I did. I think you are really going to take this somewhere and really make it amazing. When your chapter two comes up I'll be back to see where've you gone and what've you done. You have a wonderful idea and clear writing style. So please continue. And I'm not going to lie. I'll be voting for Riku. XD
Thank you for the criticism. I appreciate it. I will take it into consideration while writing my next chapter. I am new at this and I still trying to figure out where to go with the story so criticism is certainly wanted:D
"THe other Keyblade" Said it all . . . so . . . yeah. But I want to add, you do pretty good on the details! You do! The clouds, and the pink dress. The only thing is you do good and then we want more!
Okay thank you for all of the comments. I am going to finish writting chapter two and then post it up. You can expect it in about 15 minutes :D Thanks to all of the voters Sorry it was a long time between replys and chapters. I had to do this really stupid thing called sleep. :D
Part two is on the way. Unfortunatly, I started writing it last night around 12:30 so I had to go back and add detail and fix all of the errors made due to being half asleep :) Okay chapter two is up: http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=9714
Yay, that was nice. The next chapter is up but after that another one might not come up till later in the after noon (its 10:10 here now) I have to do some home work but at least one more chapter should be up today :D
By all means continue. I like your story, BUT..yep theres a but...Please slow down. Build up some drama, detail, something. It was good but it was like a whirlwind. Well...since I gave my opinion. You can give your a opinion on my fic :D Banter it all you want. lol have fun. http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=9312 http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=9430
Cool! That was good! Im actually writing a story myself xD heheh I would pick Sora ^.^ shes so cute!!! eeeekk! Pretend I never said that <.< >.>
