Joke Contest

WARNING PG-13


Tommy's parents are arguing.
His dad calls the wife a b!tch and the wife calls the husband a Bastard

Tommy asks what a b!tch and bastard is. His mother told him a b!tch is a lady and a bastard is a gentleman

Later Tommy's parents are getting ready for thanksgiving. Tommy walks by the bathroom and see's his father shaving. He cuts himself accidentally with the razor and yells out 'Sh!t

Tommy asks his father what that was, and his father replied it was another name for shaving cream.

Tommy then walks into the kitchen where his mother is cutting the turkey. She accidentally cuts her finger and yells out 'f**k'

Tommy asked what that word was and his mother explained it was a way of cutting the turkey.

Soon all the guests arrive at the party. Tommy answers the door and greets them like so.

"Hello B!tches and bastards. May i take your coats? My father is upstairs wiping sh!t off his face and my mother is in the kitchen f**king the turkey"

 

Halarious.

this is one my teacher told me:

There once was a blue jay who loved to sing. he didn't go south for the winter. he was freezing cold one day. he fell out of the tree and was about to die. sudenlly a horse came up and sh*t on the blue jay. it stunk in there, but he was warm. his beak thawed out and he began to sing again. a cat heard him sing and dug him out. the cat then killed him and ate him though. what's the lesson.

A person who puts you in sh*t isn't always your enemy,
Someone who gets you out of sh*t isn't always your friend,
and no matter how much sh*t your in,
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!

 

Ok, that's a good one!

 

Nonsense...

Q: Why did the absurdist cross the road?

A: Seventeen fish sticks.


Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: To make S'mores!

 

Nope,1 joke per user.

 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

 

so many good jokes... i already phail!!

 

okay okay okay i hv a joke but it has swearing >w>

A kid was riding her brand new bike she got for xmas till a police officer riding a horse came up to her.
The police man says, 'thats a nice bike you got there, did Santa get you that?'
The kid replies yes but the police man turns around to her and syas, 'well you should've told Santa to put a rear headlight on it' he then gave her a $50 fine.
The kid then asked the police man, 'Nice horse you got there... did you get it from Santa?"
laughing, the cop replies, 'I sure did'
'Well next time tell Santa that the d*** goes under the f***ing horse not on top of it you wanker!'

lol my cousin told me that joke >w>

 

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'


The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?'

Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us
your good manners?'

I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after dinner.'

 

Time's almost up!

Okay everyone,you have until Friday to post your funniest joke.

 

That joke is absolutely awful. In terms of content, though. It's not particularly bad if you don't mind killing baby seals and all that.

This is my joke:

Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fouls.

 

Yo Mama jokes allowed?

 

Yeah,just as long if it's not in gossip form.

 

Ok:
Yo mama so fat, when she walked into the aquarium all the whales sang: We are family, even though you're bigger than me!

 

a zebra goes into a bar and orders a drink

the bartenders says" oh, please this is obviously a fake ID, this picture is of a black zebra with white stripes, when you are clearly a white zebra with black stripes."

 

Right, This one is long.

Boy- Miss, i have to use the bathroom!
Teacher- oh ok but you must know the first 4 letters of the alphabet by tomorrow.

So when the boy goes home that night-

~in the kitchen~
Boy- Mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?
Mum *not listening*- *drops plate* oh Sh!t
Boy- k, thanks.

~in the living room~
Boy- Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?
Dad *not listening*- *football team scores on tv* YEEEEESSS!!! COME ON!!!!!
Boy- k, thanks

~in his big sisters room~
Boy- Sis, whats the third letter of the alphabet?
sister *not listening*- *lsinging along to music* I am the music man...
Boy- K, thanks

~in his little brothers room~
Boy- Bro, whats the fourth letter of the alphabet?
Brother *not listening*- *watching tv* Riding in my Broom Broom car!
Boy- k, thanks!

so the next day at school-

Teacher- ok, whats the first four letters of the alphabet?
Boy- oh sh!t!
Teacher- How'd you like to see the principal?
Boy- YEEEEES!!! COME ON!!!

~in the principles office~
Principal- Who exactly do you think you are?
Boy- I am the music man...
Princaple- How do you think youre going to get away with this?
Boy- Riding in my Broom Broom car!

XDDDDD

And here is a totally Random one-

*mickey mouse wants to sue minnie for cheating*
Judge- Sorry sir, you cant sue your wife just cos shes crazy...
Mickey- I didnt say she was crazy! I said she was F****ing Goofy!

 

Ok, it's the first Saturday of April, bring on the winnerz~​

 

Aww i want to put one it...

Pedro was looking for a parking spot cus he had to go to a meeting.
he couldnt find one anywere.
he prayed, "Jesus, Please help me find a parking spot... i'll go to church every sunday."
Out of the blue, a parking spot appeared.
Pedro said' "never mind... i found one"

 

So Microsoft sam tried to say soi...

 

A midget walks into a bar and buys a drink for $2.50
But he only leaves $2.00
On his way out, the bartender says, "WAIT!!!! Your a little short"