**** it, might as well try this

Considering I tried to end mysef last night I think it's fair to say the point of needing help has been reached. Obviously, my attempt was insuccessful, I was weak, and couldn't go through with it, I just added another 2 openings to my arm, which was an obvious lapse of judgement since my friends have decided its their charge to check my arms daily.

That's why I use my thighs instead.

Why do I cut?

Different reasons, different times. hough the main ones tend to be something along the lines of self blame/self hate driving me to the point of self harm, or just using it as a way to calm myself down, to just make all the stress and hurt go away for a few minutes. And it is only that. A few minutes. But it's worth it, since I hate my body anyway, but that's for later.

Undoubtedly, one of the causes of my stress and depression levels is the fact that Im always tired, coupled with my irregular sleeping pattern (sometimes I cant get to sleep before 5am, sometimes I end up asleep at 11pm), and getting up at 6am for the journey to school, which is itself a huge source of my problems, but, again, that is for later.

a feeling of a lack of importance, wantedness, and self understanding is evident. I often question who or what I am, which usually, no, invariably leads to me simply being more insecure about not having an identity I can think of as my own. Couple this the the fact I sometimes suffer from derealization, and you can see where yet more stress worms its way into my insignificant little mind. I often find myself sporting the notion that nobody would particularly care or miss me if I were to disappear suddenly, and that most of those surrounding me would actually be glad to hear of it. This is probably due to the fact that I have been a victim of bullying and hatred pretty much my entire life (bar last year, those its started to crop up again), coupled with this, I often view myself as worthless, below others and a burden, a useless waste of space, though for this I place most of the blame on my parents, which shall be discussed briefly later, most likely.

In order to fully understand the problems I face every day in attending school you must first understand its nature, I go to a strong Christian school, where I have a Christian tutor and we are brought up to have a christian ethos; needless to say, judgement and understanding are both great and pitiful respectively. Now, add to that a bisexual, ostracism is to be expected. But when one's own tutor, after 5 years of knowing of it and of working with you, tells you to simply stop being bisexual, it is somewhat... irritating, add to that the fact that, as a Christian myself, I'm constantly burdoned with the question of whether it is a sin or not. Add to this the fact that upon at least a weekly basis, fellow students do what they can to make me feel like the black sheep. Even my own best friend occasionally pokes fun at it, although he is a strong atheist, he just happens to also be an elitist. Now, the source of 99% of my stress and depression. i am a closet transender also. In that environment, who's self hate and other such things are leading him towards suicide, and must try to find a balance between depression and being judged. I constantly feel like I am trapped in a community of people who would immediately judge me and hate me, I'm afraid to tell ym friends and family for this very reason, and yet I fear that if I do not, then I may simply give up in the end. For the record, I believe I may have the GID. Based on past experiences (just making it known the I was bisexual caused a school riot wherein I was severely beaten), it is obviously apparent that actively seeking out help or making this known would be a very, very dangerous move.

But enough of that for now, onto my parents. My position in my house is basically that of a manservant. I do all the housework make drinks for everyone, and I get to eat and go to school, I dont do that, they don't pay my bus fair and I get leftovers. My self worth and confidence have been reduced to 0 by my parents because of their constant judging, and their constant proclamations that I am useless, worthless, a waste of space, lazy, and other such things. though, at least they are accepting towards my bisexuality.

Another recently ended cause of extreme stress and depression, which I have recently terminated, was my re-kindled acquaintance-ship with this fellow, but, as I stated, I recently terminated that frienship. Permanently this time.

..Did I mention that I hate my body? I forget.. But yeah, I don't particularly know why.. I just do.

That will do for now I suppose.

 

i have had friends like this before, and all i can tell them is that it would affect quite a few people greatly if you were to end it. even though parents may seem like they don't care, it will impact them and they will blame themselves, wondering why they never saw it before and didn't do anything about it. not trying to guilt trip you, but i will have more of an impact than what you may think. the only other thing i can really say for a fact is, don't be so self conscience. you were made the way you are, and God knows what you are going through. if nothing else, He still cares for you and loves you. try to keep that in mind. people will judge, but that's usually because they have their own insecurities and problems. i can say that for a fact, having done so myself. just try to confide in people who won't shove you away because you are different, and hopefully you will see that.

PS. Smile today. :)

 

Wow. I found myself relating to this more than I should. I'm serious, you sounded like me in my higher levels of education. Except I was mostly angry except of depressed. I only cut myself once and once I actually saw the blood I just ended up angry at myself. It was like I could only see red in front of my eyes. And I was angry at myself for being a pathetic little **** that would actually consider something like that.

Anyway, I can also relate about your GID. For a long time, I wondered if I might have it since I tend to act more masculine than feminine. Then I accepted that I was an asexual/nonsexual and that just felt...right. Though no one really knows outside of this forum and another circle of on-line friends.

I also endured a Catholic education for 12 years. And that was a good source of my anger/frustration. Yet I endured it. Because one facet of my personality is rather determined to endure.

If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, RISK, I'm here. And I mean that.

 

First of all, you should not hate your body.
If people have a problem with someone because they're overweight, weird looking, etc., then they're the jerks,

Second of all, this is no manner that should be taken lightly.
Do you have a history of this or was this your first time?

Since you said that your parents are basically impossible, I suggest talking to a counselor or a psychiatrist regarding this issue.

You could also talk to trusted friends, but counselors and psychiatrists are more efficient.

You've got to get what you're feeling out of your system.

I hope this helps!

 

I've had therapists and **** before, they didn't help much. Depression has been the general norm for the last 6 years or so.

I... Never expected a reply from someone who'd been in a similar situation, but.. it helps, a lot. Thankyou.