Sora sat casually in the tree watching the sun slowly set. "Another day gone on Destiny Islands." He said with a sigh. "HI!!!" A voice said from behind him. "GAHHH!" Sora was so surprised he fell off the tree and almost into the water below. Kairi merely giggled "Gotcha didn't I?" "Ha ha very funny." "It was just a joke Sora." Riku said from behind. As they all laughed they had no idea of the figure slowly rising up from the ground behind them. The figure was well built, most likely a man and held an enormous keyblade in his left hand. Just as they all saw him the man stabbed his keyblade straight through Sora's body. "SORA!!!" Kairi and Riku said in unision. As Sora fell into the water he began to glow. "You'll thank me." The man said and promtly dissapeared in a flash of light. When Kairi and Riku found Sora they didn't just find Sora. They found Roxas as well. "HUH!!!???" Sora and Roxas said in perfect unision and making the exact same pointing movement with the same hand. "WHAT DID YOU DO??!!!" They both said again getting up and yet again taking the same pose. "HEY!!! UMM... GRRRRR! QUIT DOING THAT!!!!" They continued to say together and moving the same. "I trusted you to look after my body when we became one!!!!" Roxas yelled at Sora pointing a finger at him. "It's not MY fault if that's what you're implying!" Sora snapped back at him. Both pulled out their keyblades and took their pose. " GUYS JUST QUIT IT!!!!!" Kairi yelled. "We have to figure this out!" After a long discussion they concluded that the man had done this. Riku described him as best he could but had only gotten a glimpse of him. But Sora had made up his mind. "Well then all we have to do is find this guy and we can fuse again Roxas." "Who says I'm gonna follow you?" "Huh?" "And who says I want to fuse again!? Maybe I like having my own life! Ever think of THAT!!!!!??????" "Well I..." "NO YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE TO YOU I'M JUST ANOTHER NOBODY!!!!!!!!!!!" "That's not true!" But it was too late. Roxas opened up a dark potal and stepped through afterwhich it promptly dissapeared. "Great now I have TWO people to find!" Sora said with a groan. "Oh well I better get moving." He said walking across the island and using the keyblade to open a hidden door. "I though you said you lost the Gummi Ship?!" Riku said when the Gummi Ship rose up from a platform. "Yeah well I had to keep it just in case!" Sora said with a grin. And before Riku and Kairi knew it he was gone. If I get some positive stuff I'll keep this up so tell me if you want more OK?
Interesting storying line. Maybe make it a little bit longer next time. Maybe instead of just having a bunch of quotes, put who said them after them. ex. "Who says I'm going to follow you?" "Huh?" Sora said, clearly confused. Why wouldn't Roxas want to fuse back together? End of ex. That's how I would do it. I think it keeps the reader more interested, since quote after quote can get boring after a while. But it was very good. I enjoyed reading it =) ps-could you check out my story if you have time? There's a link in my siggy.
yeah i just wanted to get it started. you know a prolouge. thanks for the advice by the way. As he was flying the ship Sora remembered how he had done this before with donald and goofy. He got several flashbacks of his good times. Suddenly the ship lurched forward and it began falling at an alarming rate. Sora couldn't figure out why until he looked at the gas meter and saw it was empty. "Aw CRAP!" When he awoke he was still in the Gummy Ship and it was about to implode. He quickley slashed a hole in the hull realising that his arm was hurting badly. Sora jumped out just in time. He looked at himself in a nearby puddle and saw that he was in pretty bad shape. His left arm was probably broken, his right cut and bruised, his ankles felt like they were both sprained, and his right eye had a huge cut over it. other then that he was overall cut and bruised just about everywhere. Looking around he saw he was in Hollow Bastion. _______________________________________________________________________________________ Running. It suddenly was all he remembered how to do. Heartless. Millions of them running straight at him. Finally, he stopped running. He turned around and crossed his left arm to his right kidney and vice versa. In his right hand was the darkest keyblade in existence: The Oblivion. And in his left hand the most powerful light keyblade: The Oathkeeper. Taking his stance he was ready. "Bring it on." He said to himself. Running at the already charging Heartless at full speed he yelled out a war cry and the fight began. They quickley circled him and he began to spin while slashing to keep up with the rapid attacks the Heartless were dishing out. Eventually he began to tire, sweat showing on his forehead and his grip slightly slipping. This only made the Heartless attack faster. He conserved all his energy for slashing not bothering to cry out in pain anymore if he was hit. Although the Heartless were mostly Shadows he was only half a person. In his mind he told himself: "Sora could do this. Why can't I?" But by the time he had thought this over he was up to his waist in Heartless. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!" He cried once more before he was consumed completely. Or so he thought... _______________________________________________________________________________________ As Sora wandered around aimlessly he finally came apon Merlin's house. Walking inside he collapsed with exaghaustion. All in there were deeply confused. When he awoke again he was heavily bandaged and in a comfortable bed. "So I see you're finally awake." Leon said from the other side of the room. "Leon!" Sora said happily. But when he tried to get up he felt an immense pain. and it wasn't just from his injuries. It was also from something else. As though he was somewhere else. "Of course." He said in his mind. "Roxas must be in trouble." After a long explanation they all understood. "Well i can heal you with a Cure spell but your arm will still take a while to heal." Merlin told Sora taking out his wand. After saying several words he healed Sora. "Man does that feel better." Sora said while stretching. "See ya! I'll be back soon!" "Oh and Sora there's a new Gummi Ship in the Town Square I built while you were unconcious. "Thanks Cid!" Sora siad before departing. When he got outside in the corner of his eye he saw something. It was him! He ran after it in a flash and held his keyblade tightly. When he rounded the corner he saw... RIKU?!?! _______________________________________________________________________________________ When he awoke he was in a strange white room that was slightly familiar. It had drawings hanging on the walls and a table and chair were the only furnishings.Wait... This was... NAMINE! He got up immedietly and looked down at himself. He had no injuries at all. But that made no sense. "Wakey wakey sleepy head." "Huh? Namine is that you?" He asked in an anxious voice. "Who else Roxas?" Namine said appearing seemingly out of nowhere. "Namine!" Roxas said happily running up and embracing her. For a moment all was well. But Namine seemed uneasy. "Is something wrong?" He said pulling back but still holding her shoulders. "I'm so sorry." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- End of part 1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good chapter, but try to add more detail. Like maybe how Leon looked, or more about Sora's agonizing pain. Some parts were a little bit unclear. Be sure that when you start a new section you let the reader know exactly who you're talking about. I didn't understand you were talking about Roxas in the other part at first, but I eventually caught on. Details are very important. Normally if you think you put in too many, the reader will think it's just right. At least that's my opinion. Keep up the good work!
alright well fine then miss Criticsm. Sorry? Why would she be sorry? Roxas had less then 3 seconds to ponder this before the wall was smashed through violently. Roxas stood there using the table for balance, his head hurting from the amount of noise. Through a thick smokescreen he thought he saw something. It was large and had a strange shape to it. It was curving like a snake but was shining and metallical. The head on it cuved out on either side which made it look like an anchor or a harpoon. Then it hit him. He felt almost nothing and didn't even realize it hit him until he looked down at himself and saw a gaping wound in his chest. Then the blade retracted. He saw his entire life flash through his eyes. He had just enough time before he fell unconcious to say: "Na...mi...ne." ______________________________________________________________________________________ He ran straight towards Riku but when he got close he changed into a heartless. and the closer he got the more heartless-like the supposed Riku got. He realized it was only an illusion and killed the heartless quickley and without warning. he was too angry for games. Flying the ship around space Sora couldn't figure out where he should go. "Hmmm maybe i should check The World That Never Was." He thought about this. "No Roxas would never want to go back there. Hmmm. Of course! Twilight Town!" He immedietlly turned the ship and went full speed to Twilight Town. Once he got there he checked everywhere before realizing that he'd probably be at the mansion so he could go to Twilight Town 2 and be with his friends. Sora got that all-to-familiar grin on his face and ran towards the forest. Once he got there he opened up the gate and ran inside. When he got in his face turned from a nice quirky grin to pure horror. The same man that had seperated him and Roxas was standing at the top of the stairs with Roxas over his shoulder. In his mind Sora could only imagine how this happened. His face changed again only to be anger. How dare he do that to Roxas! Suddenly Sora made his change into Final Form and gained his second keyblade. Pointing both his hands at the assailent the keyblades flew right at him. The man's keyblade then changed into a large shield, spiraling around itself. The keyblades bounced off harmlessly. Sora let out a war cry and began swinging his hands wildly. The man's larger and stronger keyblade deflected every shot easily. When Sora changed back he grimaced. He hadn't even made contact yet. So he turned quickly into Valor Form and charged straight at him. The man cooly put his weapon into his belt and when Sora was about to hit him he gripped Sora's head firmly and let loose a Thundaga spell. A huge bolt of lightning came down from the sky and although it was silent Sora certainly was not. He let out a huge cry in agony. It felt like a million swords had stabbed him and were all twisting and turning inside of him. Falling onto the ground he tried valiantly to get up but each time he couldn't. Every time he made the slightest move a huge surge of pain swept through his body. _______________________________________________________________________________________ Roxas was concious just long enough to see Sora get shocked but when he tried to summon his keyblade nothing happened. He didn't understand but fell unconcious again without time to think due to the pain in his chest. _______________________________________________________________________________________ "Pathetic, truly pathetic." He said seeing Sora laying on the ground. "I thought you were supposed to be the one who killed Xemnas. Well I suppose it's to much to ask for a newbie to defeat me." "Who are you!?" Sora yelled with frightening ferocity. "I have many names. The saviour. The devil. Ying. Yang. Light. Dark. Hero. Villian. But to be formal I am the creator of the Keyblade. I am Renzo. _______________________________________________________________________________________ "Do you think it's time Wind?" "Yeah Earth it probably is."
Wow, whos' Earth and Wind?! They sound as if they are with this Renzo person! They would sound to draw...i think i'll draw them for you! Is that ok?
Thanks guys I appreciate it. This one's for you! As his eyes slowley opened Roxas didn't have any thoughts for a moment or two. Almost like his brain was shut off. Suddenly his eyes opened fully and flickered quickly back and forth across the room. He saw a limp figure in the middle of the room. When he realized who it was tears welled up in his eyes and he became highly emotional. "NAMINE!!!" He yelled trying to get up but seeing that he was chained to the wall. When he tried to get his keyblades to break the chains they didn't appear. Instead he slowly crawled towards Namine inching his way forward each small movement pulling at his limbs and slowly cutting off the circulation. When he finally reached her he clasped her hand firmly in his and tried to wake her. "Namimne c'mon just wake up! C'mon it isn't funny! WAKE UP!" He said trailing of tears running down his face. "I'm afraid that one will never wake up again." A young boy probably around his age said. He wore a cloak much like the organization's exept it was a lighter grey. "That is unless you gave her this." The boy said again holding up a small vial with green liquid in it. Even though his hood was over his face you could see the devilish grin on his face. "GIVE IT TO ME!!!" Roxas yelled trying to get closer and snatch the bottle. But his efforts were futile and his body eventually couldn't take all the emotions and the chains pulling at once and he collapsed, breathing hard on the cold stone floor. _______________________________________________________________________________________ "Sora? Sora!" "Huh?..." As he awoke he shook his head and all his senses came back. "Roxas, Kairi!" He yelled getting to his feet and seeing that he was in the Usual Spot. "We found you at the old mansion and you were all beat up. You okay?" A short chubby boy asked. "Yeah Pence I'm okay." Sora replied looking at the other Twilight Town gang members. Hayner with his camo pants, camo shoes, and skull shirt and vest. Olette with a bright orange shirt, yellowish shorts, and her light brown hair. And of course Pence with his headband, sports jersey, and baggy jeans. After explaining the story the gang agreed to keep an eye out for Renzo. "Okay see ya' later! Oh and use these to contact me if you see Renzo." Sora told the gang handing them each a small walkie-talkie. After wandering around for awhile he began to ponder Renzos words. "The creator....Of the keyblade?" _______________________________________________________________________________________ "So Wind how did it go?" A thin figure in a simalir coat asked. "Fine but do we have to keep it so dark Earth?" Wind replied. "Yes the master requests it dark so it must remain dark. Or do you have a problem with that?" Another member asked drawing forth a small thin keyblade. "Alright alright Water don't be so edgy." Wind told him backing a little closer to the wall. "Then let us begin." A deep voice said from behind that startled the other three. "Geez Fire do you have scare the bajesus out of us every time!?" Earth asked in his whiney voice. _______________________________________________________________________________________ "Namine... I'm so sorry...I could have protected you...." Roxas said deeply. His eyes were red from several hours of sobbing. He had layed down right next to Namine. Every few minutes a member would come in and inject him with various liquids of many colors. Each time they promised he would get the antidote for Namine soon enough but Roxas had a feeling that "soon enough" would never come. One of the potions had allowed him to summon his keyblades for a short moment but not long enough to break the chains. Eventually when one of them came in with a larger injection of the same potion he sprung into action. It was the same one who had first offered him the antidote. After the injection was complete Roxas broke the chains and quickly attacked but was promtly blocked by the boy's keyblade. His keyblade seemed... Misshapen was a good word for it. The edges sprang out randomly here and there. None of it was symetrical at all. But Roxas had no time to pay attention to that. He rapidly swung but not once did he hit the boy. Then it happened. His eyes turned blood red. His Oathkeeper turning into a second Oblivion. And large demon wings sprang out of his back. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" He screamed swinging quickly at the young, practically defeseless against him boy. It made a huge gaping wound going from his right shoulder to his left thigh. Many more wounds like this were made and the boy quickly couldn't even hold his own weight. Roxas held him in the air with one hand and stabbing and slahing mercilessly with his keyblade with his other hand. After slitting the boy's neck he took the antidote from the child's pocket and gave it to Namine. When she awoke all she saw was a demon. _______________________________________________________________________________________ Sora landed in The World That Never Was as that was the next best place to check. But he didn't have to look for long.
As Sora approached a corner he saw him. A tall slender figure in a black cloak. Red hair that seemed to defy gravity. Green eyes. And a look in his eyes that said "You want a piece of me?". "Axel!?" Sora said suprised at seeing the man again after his so called "death." "Yeah Sora that's A-X-E-L got it memorized?" "Yeah, yeah Axel you say that every time I ask a question." Sora told him in a matter-of-fact tone. "Oh c'mon now don't be so rough. Oh and I go by Lae now. L-A-E got it memorized?" Axel repeated putting his index finger near his temple. "Lae?" "Yeah Sora all of our real names were just anagrams of our organization names with the X taken out. Axel becomes Lae. Xemnas becomes Ansem. Xigbar becomes Braig. Xaldin becomes Dilan. Roxas becomes Sora. And so on." Axel explained as though Sora should have already known this. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I get it." Sora said with his eyes closed and nodding his head. "Right now down to business." _______________________________________________________________________________________ She ran away from what looked like some sort of heartless but was really Roxas. He was faster though and easily caught up. "Namine please it's me!" Roxas pleaded to her. As he held her she began to look less frightened and more sad. "What happened to you Roxas?" She asked feeling his cheek with her soft slender hand. "I have no idea. But we have to get out of here." "Right." She agreed. "But Namine?" "Hm?" "What do you know about them?" He asked looking at her suspiciously his eyes now regain ing their deep blue color. She sighed. "It's a long story." Namine explained as they walked together that they had done the same thing to Kairi as they had done to Sora allowing Namine to be herself again but they had kiddnapped her. They forced her to be bait for Roxas. All she knew was that they were called the 8 Elementals. Earth, Water, Fire, Wind, Nature, Lightning, Darkness, and Light. "So the Organization wasn't our worst enemy after all." Roxas said after hearing the story. "Then we've got some work to do." By this time his wings had gone into his back leaving 2 big holes in the back of his shirt. His skin and Oathkeeper had turned back too. He was completely normal exept for his nails. They had grown into large claws. He suddenly felt exhausted and began to sway so leaned on the wall for support. "C'mon Roxas let's get you out of here." She said putting his arm around her back and doing the same with her arm. "Man Namine this was supposed to be the other way around." _______________________________________________________________________________________ Hi everyone sorry it was so short but I've been really busy and didn't get a lot of time to work on it. ~Catonis "Catis" Ihde
"Huh? What do you mean Axel?" Sora asked looking confused. "I'm looking to take back what's mine." He replied holding out his hand. "Ohhh I get it." He said taking out the Bond of Flames keychain. He tossed it to Axel and he turned it back into his original two chakrams. "There we go." Axel said looking at his chakrams as though making sure that nothing was out of place. "Well come on." He said opening an inky black portal. "Ummmm where are we going?" Axel replied to this by walking through the portal. "Hey wait up!" Sora quickly ran through the portal just as it was about to close. _______________________________________________________________________________________ As the two walked slowly out of the strange place they came to a doorway. Apon opening it they found themselves in a jungle-like world."Hey Namine?" "Yeah?" "I think I can walk from here." Roxas said to her. As she set him down it took him a moment to get his balance. He stood up slowly and carefully. "I'm sorry Roxas but I'm afraid you won't be going anywhere!" They looked behind them and saw the boy again. Only this time his skin came off in many places and he was bleeding profusely. His face was showing and his skin was a tanned color but half of his face was torn off and you could see several pieces of bone and much bare flesh. His eyes were a milky white color. "You!" Roxas yelled looking at him. "Yep. Surprise, surprise." He replied looking devilish. "Bet you weren't expecting me." Suddenly his skin began to heal back completely and he looked better then ever. Roxas and Namine were speechless. How could they face something like that? _______________________________________________________________________________________ Yet again a short post. Sorry everyone if I'm kind of disapointing. ~Catonis "Catis" Ihde
Wow I guess this must be good if you guys all like it. Well then on to the next part!!! _______________________________________________________________________________________ Roxas flew around using a newfound ability with his wings. He tried to confuse him but to no avail. They clashed several times causing large spurts of energy that ruptured the air around them. After pushing Roxas back towards the ground and thouroughly wearing him out he said: "Tsk tsk. And I thought you might be the one. Perhaps I just didn't give you a big enough dose of the serum. Oh by the way if you haven't relized this yet I'm a member of the 8 Elementals. Wind the Healer. That's me." He chuckled slightly. "You're a monster!" Namine yelled at him. "Correction. Not a monster, a Keyzen." "Key-what?" Roxas asked, confused. "A Keyzen. An artificial Keyblade wielder created by Renzo. All of us are." The boy explained seeming proud. Why? Why would he be proud not to be human? "Well whatever you are you're going down!" Roxas said flying at him again and preparing for a long battle. _______________________________________________________________________________________ As Sora appeared out of the dark, purpleish black portal, he found himself in a jungle-like area. Axel rubbed the back of his head embarresed. "Woops... Guess I was a little off." He said. "Well where should we have been?" "See that castle in the distance? Where all the energy bursts are coming from?" Axel asked pointing. "And for the last time it's Lae. "Ohh yeah." Sora replied now seeing the castle. "And right. I'll be sure to call you Lae." "Well c'mon slowpoke we've gotta help Roxas." Axel said walking quickly away. "Hey wait up!" Sora said running after him. _______________________________________________________________________________________ Man I've got to make this longer. ~Catonis "Catis" Ihde
You're not a bad writer, but you seriously should make the chapters longer. It's hard to stay interested in each chapter when they're so short.
