I really am at a loss at what to do. I really need some help with this, it's driving me insane. For the past twenty years, my parents have hated each-other. My mother is the victim in the situation, since she's treated like absolute shit by my father for everything she does, and in some cases hasn't done. My father is an alcoholic in every sense of the word. Every night he takes the small amount of money my mother makes and uses it on alcohol, no matter how much she asks him not to. Then, when he's already piss-drunk and called her every name in the book, he goes and buys even more. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, and it's only gotten worse and worse over the years. It's because of him that more than half of the money that was supposed to be used on Christmas gifts for me and my family was wasted away, because of his alcoholism. No matter what anyone sais to him, he doesn't believe spending the majority of my mother's hard-earned money is wrong. He doesn't believe that he's an alcoholic, he just blames it all on my mom, which is incredibly unfair. I've kept my mouth shut for years, and the bottled up anger is starting to get to me. Sometimes I feel like I want him to die from the alcoholism so neither me, my siblings, or my mother have to suffer anymore. I'm at my breaking point and I don't know what to do. The anger sometimes comes out and affects those I care about, and I don't mean for it to, and I end up making myself look like a jerk. Please, any advice on what to do is greatly appreciated.
It sounds like you just need to force him to go to a counselor specialized in alcoholism. If he doesn't, you could always ask the counselor to come to your guys' house. If that doesn't work, then I'm afraid the only the solution would be to have him arrested for abuse and theft. You and your family deserve to be treated better than he's treating you, and you shouldn't have to deal with his insecurity.
It sounds like it's time to make some sort of an intervention. I assume the rest of your family understands what a problem this is; if not, approach them privately about it, and see what options they can think of. I know it seems like the easiest choice to hate your father for this, but he has a legitimate problem and you should try to get him help for it.
I have suggested arresting him for abuse before, but according to my mother, the police will only arrest for physical abuse. He's never physically hurt anyone, only emotionally and mentally. My mom's side of the family understands what's going on, but my dad's side of the family is full of alcoholics and drug addicts. In fact, just this year I lost my aunt and uncle to Lung Cancer because of their smoking and drug habits, both within 10 days of each-other, and both on my Dad's side. My grandmother on my dad's side doesn't like any of it, but she never does anything about it. I've always considered interventions, but I was never sure if they were expensive since, like I said in the OP, we're not a wealthy family.
convince your mom to pack up and leave the deadbeat. It honestly seems like nothing short of a court order and an "escort" of armed police officers will make your dad go to counseling. So just save up your money in secret, then go when the guy's passed out. I know it its easier said than done, but if he's hurt you and your family this much, and if he's not willing to go to counseling or AA then make a well made plan and just leave. Though if you do decide to leave, make sure everybodies onboard and is absolutely committed to the plan so that nobody goes and blabs to daddy.
Now, as a christian I believe everyone can be saved... but sometimes waiting is not an option. Contact a relative on your mothers side, and just leave. It sounds like a sappy un-realistic film... but hey, its been done before, plenty of times. Make sure he can't follow you and leave when he's either a sleep or passed out to avoid anything physical on his part. Infact, I suppose I'm basically saying what longn4 is saying, the only difference being the relative thing. If something goes wrong and he does go berserk and physically abuses you... then I suppose that gives you clearance to order his arrest. Either way, your chances of seeing him again are slim.
Thank you for your input, but I don't think I'd have to worry about him physically abusing me. He's not exactly fit..like, at all. But it's my mother I'm worried about, she takes more abuse than anyone else in the house. It's just that the things that he's said. He's literally come out and said that he doesn't give a damn about me or my younger brothers right in front of us. If I just left my family there with him, it would only be a solution for me and not for them. At this point it seems like plan A is intervention, and if that fails plan B will be having him arrested. Which actually may be possible since he drives drunk AND without a license every night.
But do you really want to wait until the day he does start physically abusing her? Physical, emotional, verbal, it's all abuse. There's gotta be something about that somewhere. However, I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with the "pack-up-and-run" idea. Taking off while the guy is passed out in drunken stupor might help you guys escape at first, but what happens when he wakes up and finds the house empty and his source of "income" gone? You could put yourselves in even more danger. Do a little research on your state, county, or even province laws, see what could warrant an arrest. There's gotta be something; if they've made bullying a crime, this has to be a felony. This whole thing drips of domestic violence, and the fact that this has carried on for over 20 years sickens me.
first of all, I ment the whole familiy(excluding him) run away. Second, I did mention something about making sure he can't follow, perhaps if things are really that bad, the Police may do something, if they don't.... well anyway, I like the idea of the research and see if you can get him arrested for something. Theft has to be in there, and isn't some Alcahol illegal in some country's/states?
Have you tried going to the police? I know you said that you did not think you could get him arrested, but they should still be able to help you. If it comes down to it, I think you and your family should get as far away from him as possible.
My dad's an alcoholic too so I kinda know how you must feel. My mom divorced my dad when I was a baby but for years my and my brother and my sister would go over to his house on weekends for visits and then one day when I went by myself, I didn't feel very safe. My dad started talking about how he was going to Florida that night and blah blah blah and I ended up hiding in the closet and calling my mom to come get me. Ever since then I really haven't been going to visit him that much anymore. My brother isn't an alchoholic but he has the same temper my dad does when he gets drunk. He'll punch holes in the wall, come up with any excuse he can to blame it on anyone but himself because in his mind, it's always someone else's fault, and never his. My brother used to take it out on me but then he started taking it out on my mom and then later on his girlfriend. Now he has a baby (my cute little 3 month old neice) with his girlfriend and one day she left with Anabelle (my neice) and spent the night at a friends house because my brother was having a fit because he was gonna have to start paying his own car insurance. I know it might be hard to call the cops but if it's really getting that bad, maybe you should and just see if there's anything they or someone else can do before it gets too bad and someone gets seriously hurt. i know with my brother that he has enough control over his anger to at least make sure he doesn't physically hurt anyone but he'll do it emotionally all he can. i don't really know how your dad is with his anger and especially if he's drunk, he might not be able to control it and one day might end up being physically abusive. no one should have to live with that. even if you just call the police or a counselor or someone and ask them for advice too. but if it comes down to it, you might have to have your dad arressted for everyone else's safety
He's not physically abusive when he's drunk, but he says some downright horrible things when he's like that. I talked to my mom about calling the police, but she said that the police here in Michigan would only arrest for domestic violence (aka Physical Abuse), which he does not do. He can't be arrested for theft because my parents are still married, so I guess it's not illegal to take money that my mom earned and use it without her permission. He's actually been trying to find a job recently (He quit his old one. He had a good reason for it, but that's a whole other story), and my mom thinks that he'll cut back if he has a job since he'll be occupied with it. I really hope she's right. I don't want to see my dad end up the same way his two siblings did.
One thing though, do not run away in the dead of night unless you absolutely have to. From what I've heard from the news and friends who were in this situation, running away just makes it so much more worse. The abusive partner in the relationship 90% of the time will ALWAYS find where you hide and lash out in anger or heavens do something worse if he finds you and your family. My advice? Talk to your mother's side of the family and ask if you all can stay with them for a while away from your father and get out of that abusive enviroment. If they understand, they'll do everything they can to help. Next, (if the first works or doesn't work) talk to a police officer and tell him/her your current situation and give him EVERY single detail; how he treats your mother, how he steals money, how he treats you and your siblings, everything. It wouldn't hurt to ask and find out if they can do anything or not, and who knows they might give you very good advice. They might not be able to help, but they'll know of someone else who CAN help. As for feelings of anger, it is normal to feel angry in these types of situations. It's just how you express it is what matters the most. Writing hate letters and burning them or ripping them apart afterwards helps me to feel so much better. And I'm lashing out at paper, not people. Singing, dancing, punching a pillow as hard as you can also helps release negative energy. Also running for as long as you can before you legs wear out can help you out too. Holding your breath and counting to ten slowly then letting it out afterwards can help. And this sounds weird, but if you cross your wrists over each other, then hold your hands together and cross your arms over your chest and take in deep breaths for a couple of moments, that helps your brain to relax and think more clearly. Call me crazy, but when I do it, it helps. Also, know that you're not alone. I am a victim of emotional and mental abuse myself. Although it wasn't intentional for the most part, it still hurt me so much and at times I felt so alone and worthless. And no one could do anything about it, but just watch me try to endure it because to most "it doesn't matter just as long as they don't lay hands on you". But emotional and mental wounds take so much longer to heal up over time, as I know. You sound like you're a very good kid and a very good son to your mother. Through all of this, keep standing close to your mother. Let her know how much you love her and let her know how much she is of worth to you and your siblings. And hey, if you need to talk to anyone and just let some steam out, you can always PM me any time and everyone else here cares for you too. I hope I've helped in some way. :glomp:
Thank you. You've got no idea how much better that has made me feel. And yes, I will show my mother how much she means to me, because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be posting this right now.
To be honest, I would suggest finding local AA meeting centres, or other alcholic rehabilatation and force him to go. Whether this eans drving/walking him there yourself, if he is a skiny man you shouldn't have too much trouble with moving him to that conclusion. Or, if you can't force him of fear of pain and damge he may cause, call/email local alcoholic support groups, get information on what you can do to help him. Talk to them about the problems your having and ask them what you can do. This goes above what we here can do, we don't live near you or anything, so the best we can do is advise you to seek local help and try to comfort you at best If you can get him some help, in some form that's the best you can do for him, your family and yourself. Don't sit back any longer, act now and do it whilst you believe it should be done. Otherwise I can assure you it won't stop happening, he'll do the same thing over and over again, you need to stop that cycle. Best of luck.
