*Trigger warning to those with depression/suicidal tendencies/or anything else* Alright, this is like my second thread this year, almost weeks apart, but I need some help. Like seriously... anything. Most of you know I've been struggling with depression for the longest time, and also suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Those of you who don't know, sorry you have to find out this way... Maka is not all happiness and giggles all the time like she seems to be. Most of you know I went to see tummer after his heart transplant. I worked through my anxieties, got on the bus at like 9pm at night, came to LA at like 2am when it was the scariest, and I was just fine. I met his family for the first time, was in a totally different world for the next couple of days, and I was okay with it all. I even ended up staying with tummer in the same hospital room after two days of being with his family, and was able to work through the stress. I felt so good about myself. My mom told me that my neighbor was impressed with me and my courage to do this kind of thing (cause this was a big thing for me to do), and then it started to go downhill... Tummer, if you read this, remember this is not your fault. This is SO NOT YOUR FAULT, okay? After the third/fourth day of staying with him, my mom called me up and kind of threw things at me that got me all concerned. She told me not to get attached to tummer while I was with him, that it was bad of me to watch scary movies with him (cause it was Halloween) because of my suicidal tendencies and being diagnosed with depression. That kind of shot my confidence, and I felt like I was doing the wrong thing. Then she called me up and said it was okay for me to do what I was doing and to stick around with him. Long story short, my parents kept calling me and telling me not to get attached to tummer. I felt like a bad person, like I was doing the wrong thing, and then my dad was saying stuff to scare me to get me home. Like if I didn't come home by next Monday, something bad was going to happen. And I just felt so depressed, so disappointed in myself, because I told my parents I was going to stay with him till this Saturday... but they heard the last Saturday that just past and told me I needed to come home or else. That's where I exploded and put my foot down and told them to make arrangements themselves with tummer's parents to bring me home because there was still a lot of medical stress happening before he was to be released from the hospital. Even though I was able to do that, I couldn't stand up to them and say I wanted to stay longer. The anxiety that something bad was going to happen was already in my head, and that I was a bad girl for holding hands and getting close to him. There was points during the stay where the suicidal thoughts started to rush back. Like there was times I wished I just would have carried out those times where I was seriously close to ending my life. I broke down in front of tummer a couple of times, and I felt so awful for it. I'm begging, I'm pleading for some kind of comfort, help, someone to actually talk to voice to voice on Skype. It's been two days since I've been home, and I've been such a mess. Yesterday I cried so hard I went to bed early... like at 5pm. I dunno who to talk to, I dunno who to reach out to, and I don't know if anyone cares or if they want to hear me out. There's so many friends I made on here in the past, but most of them don't speak to me or are too busy with their own lives. I'm tired of this depression. It hurts, it really does. And I feel like such a pity party, and I hate that too. It feels like my parents use it against me to keep me under their control, and then they stress me out by saying I need to freaking get a job already and get out there in the real world... And I feel like I'm not functional enough to. Most days I feel like I just want to sleep and hopefully it would all just go away. I'm on medication, but it's not helping anymore. And I'm afraid to go on stronger medications because my body is so sensitive to the side effects. I just want to scream. I wanna be my happy self again you guys knew, that you guys enjoyed. I don't want to be like this. I don't even feel like being on the computer much today the depression is so bad. I don't want to go back to the hospital because of these suicidal thoughts... I really don't. It scared me so badly, I don't want to go back. I just don't want to be like this anymore... I need help. I need someone to talk to me. I'm too afraid to reach out to you guys and ask for help because I'm afraid I wore you out already, you would judge me, or tell me to freaking get over with it already and it's so hard to explain to people that this is a disease. This is a disorder. You can't get over with it over night, and it's just... hard. Please help... anyone. Please... I'm begging you...
Ooohhhhh Maka! You're not a bad person! You did a good thing by going to see Tummer. Send me a Skype request and we'll talk on there later, okay?
Maka, I wish you could be back here so I can give you another hug. Plus, you'd see how good I've been doing. I know what depression is like, and mixing it with stress is not healthy at all. And remember that none of this is your fault either.
I sent you a Skype request... I'm trying hard to find the urge to just let it out, but it's hard... so forgive me if I don't say much... It feel like it is. It feels like I'm bringing all on myself, and it sucks. And I feel so much in pain right now emotionally and mentally... And I just want it to end...
Growing into an adult is tough, it seems to take an impressive toll on you. Two things that come to mind right now, regarding what your parents say : - We either swim or we drown. The only thing that can make us swim is bait, may it be work, family, friends, interests ... In that regard telling you to let Tummer go is extremely ill-advised. I have no idea how serious his condition is, but no bait in this world is eternal. We have to learn searching as much bait as we can, over and over, and bite them hard while they' re still here. - The guilt circle is typical in suicidal persons : you feel down or incompetent, which depresses you, on some level you realize you aren' t supposed to feel so down despite all the things that you do have, which adds to the guilt you feel and brings you back full circle to depression. So newsflash for your parents : trying to trigger more guilt on purpose ? Not the best idea ever. That being said, advising you to look for a job, now that is a good idea. You may meet super nice people and/or regain confidence. If it sucks or you end up being fired it wasn' t the right job for you, just search another one. If the people you meet aren' t that nice ... screw' em, you' re doing it for you, not for them. It may be best to regain a bit of confidence first though. I don' t want to drawn you under an endless stream of platitudes, but maybe ... have you ever watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer ? (Yeah, weird transition, I know ^^) If you haven' t then you may want to watch season 6, the whole arch of that season is to make all the characters go through what you' re feeling right know. It' s not profound by any stretch of the imagination, but it may help to watch something that you can relate to emotionally. You can pick up the series directly at season 6, you' ll understand most of what' s going on. If you don' t know how to find that stuff on your own I can try and find links and PM them to you.
First, thank you so much for replying to me and taking the time to. I'm trying really hard to get a job since that's what my parents are forcing me to do. I haven't heard from the ones I applied for yet, and I'm up to at least five jobs I applied for. I'm planning to push myself to apply for more jobs, hoping to at least get one even though whatever job I get up to this point might kill me because of the stress, but my family desperately needs the money. There's no time to gain confidence for myself. My parents need me to get out into the world even though I'm not ready yet. They have me attached to their will and their strings, and I can't break lose. I heard of Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Might try watching that. I watched Young Justice, and that also helped me out too... I just really hate myself... I just don't feel worth it anymore...
You aren' t ready to get out in the world ? Because of your depression or ... ? You make them sound so manipulative and protective that I' m starting to wonder if they raised you in their basement. XD May I ask why you hate yourself ? It' s OK if you don' t want to answer. Whatever it is trust me, I know how hard it can be to forgive ourselves, even when everyone else already has. What helped me was the realization that I am not my past. Sure, others will keep bringing it up, but ultimately I am my present and nothing else. Also, if your parents push you in inappropriate ways show no hesitation to square things up. I obviously don' t know anything about your family history and dynamic, but come on, sticking their nose into the sex life of their 20 years old daughter ? That' s none of their business at that point. You did feel better after snapping at them on the phone, didn' t you ? That' s the other reason I thought finding a job was a good idea, the sooner you get a wage the sooner you can find your own place and cut all those strings loose (your money, not theirs).
I hate myself because everyone seems to leave me eventually for some reason or another. I just seem like I'm not a good enough person to anyone... I'm too depressing, I'm too clingy, I get into people's personal spaces too much, and when I get a crush on someone, I get way too personal with them and push them away when I don't mean to be like that. I haven't done anything good in my life, and all I do all day everyday is sleep and just stare out into nothing wishing I had enough energy and motivation to get up and do something. Everyone seems to use me in some way eventually because I'm easy to control and manipulate and I just take it all because I think I deserve it. My best friend I had for nine years showed me I can't trust anyone and that someone can screw your whole life over in just a sentence or just one action. And it seems like no one cares for me until I get up to this insanity point (where I am now) and I hate it so much... I hate the pity. I hate being this pathetic and stupid and just laksjdglkjdaslg... I hate it. I felt better, and then worse... Like I did something bad... And they're still bringing up other things to cover for excuses for me coming home. I said I'd come home on a certain day where I meant another day, my bishop said I'm not well enough to do stuff like this... I just feel like I'll never get better... and I'll keep losing friends one way or another... And that I'll never be good enough for society... I know it sounds silly and stupid.... But I'm wishing I ended it already as I've tried in the past. This is just getting way too hard for me... And even my meds are not helping me anymore...
Well, now you know. Time to start working on that. Or not, some people actually like clingy. You do have tummer and he does like you, doesn' t he ? That' s the part that finding a job is supposed to address. Alternatively I would have suggested helping others in general (a charity activity or something) to boost your confidence, but since you do need the money ... Unfortunately I can relate with loosing life-long friends abruptly and cruelly. It does suck big time. You' ll make new ones eventually, but you probably don' t give a flying **** right now. I' ve learned being comfortable on my own by now, but then I' ve always been a loner to some degree. Your bishop ? You mean a priest right ? Since when are priests experts in depression ? They do seem to be champions at seeding unneeded guilt though (I' m talking about religion in general, not about your case in particular), but then I' m an atheist. Well, keep repeating to yourself that it will never get better and it never will indeed. Which reminds me, ever heard of the Coué method ? http://ukhypnosis.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/emile-coues-method-of-“conscious-autosuggestion”/ I never tried it myself, but if it' s good enough for sport champions, why not give it a try ?
I'm going to bed soon so I haven't time to reply to the full post (but I will tomorrow). IM me whenever you see me online, I'll pick up a call 90% of the time.
