Please let me know if it's any good. If it's not, that alright, still let me know. Please and thank you “Hey Stella, wake up! It’s time for school!” I heard my room mate, Katelynn, call out as she knocked on my closed bedroom door. I groaned and covered my head with my pillow. “Give me at least five more minutes please. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” Katelynn laughed a bit. “That’s because you were up all night working on that story of yours.” I laughed at her comment. “It’s coming out great though. I’m almost done.” I slowly got out of bed after I removed the pillow from my face and rubbed my eyes to help me wake up. I was just a simple college student who wanted to graduate and start my career as a writer. I wrote mostly mysteries and sometimes romance books. After I got a shower and got dressed, I went downstairs to meet Katelynn in the kitchen to eat breakfast. “You said you were almost done with your story, right Stella? It’s not like last week where you said you were almost done and wrote five new chapters is it?” I giggled and shook my head. “Yes, it’s almost done. I’m on the last chapter of this book.” The rest of breakfast, we ate in silent then headed out the door to get to class. “Don’t be late like you were yesterday.” “I wasn’t late. The rest of the class was just early.” I joked. We went our separate ways and I walked to my class since it was close to our dorm room. Katelynn, unfortunately, had to drive across the campus to make it to her class in time. As I was walking to my class, the boy who everyone knew had a huge crush on me stopped me in my path. He was honestly the biggest nerd on campus and he had to have a crush on me. Just my luck, huh? “Hey Stella, were you coming to the big game tonight?” “Oh I don’t know Donald. I’m not really into sports.” he replied. Donald was the mascot for the college and we were the “Mighty Ducks”. It was a bit ironic if you asked me. “Look, Donald, I don’t have time right now. I have to get to class before I’m late again.” He frowned and let me go on my way. I finally got to the room where I needed to be and Professor Ortelli turned to me when I entered the room. “Stella, this is the second day in the row that you’re late. Maybe you should set an alarm clock.” “I’m sorry sir. I got stopped on my way here.” I walked to my seat with the whole class staring me down for interrupting the lesson. I groaned when I sat down and took out my notebook and pen to take notes. “We can’t make this an every day thing now Stella.” “I know sir. I’m sorry.” I apologized again and he continued on with the lesson for the day. I told myself that Donald would get a mouthful when I got a hold of him again. My cell phone suddenly went off and everyone turned to me again. Damn…forgot to turn my phone on vibrate…I groaned again and took it out of my pocket, seeing that it was Donald. “Why I gave that nerd my number is beyond me…” I muttered and ignored his text message to me. I vibrated my phone and stuck it back in my pocket. “Are there going to be anymore interruptions today Stella?” I shook my head. “No. That was the last one sir. Hopefully.” I said the last part under my breathe. “Alright then…” he replied and started on his lecture once again. I sat there in silence and took notes. I didn’t know why I even bothered with this class. I didn’t need this particular class to graduate. I just needed an extra class to fill up the schedule. I started doodling on my notes subconsciously until the girl next to me bumped my arm. I turned to her and she glared at me. “What do you want?” I asked. I’ve always hated the girl. We went to the same schools since we were in elementary school and she was a stuck up know-it-all. “Why are you just sitting there doing nothing? You’re supposed to be taking notes. It’s going to be on the test this Friday.” I glared back at her. “Do you seriously think I care right now? This stuff is elementary. I don’t need to take notes.” “Stella! Why are you getting so distracted lately?” Professor Ortelli randomly asked. “Sir, Little Miss Princess was the one who was interrupting my learning time. I was busy taking notes and she started talking to me.” “Nikki, why don’t you mind your own business and let other students decide what grade they want this semester.” I growled and sat back in my chair. “God, I hate this class…” I muttered under my breathe. “Well, because of all the interruptions today, we ran out of time to finish the lesson so come back tomorrow and we’ll finish up our notes. Class is dismissed.” I stood up and left the room, almost excited to be out of there. I remembered about the text I got in the middle of class and took my phone out of my pocket. “Is everything alright with you Stella? You seemed a bit off today when I saw you.” it read. I stared at my phone. “Did he seriously text me that? He knew I was in class.” I wanted to throw my phone down on the ground to break it but I knew I wouldn’t be getting a new one any time soon. I walked back to our dorm room in a really bad mood and I suddenly turned nervous after I walked in the front door. The place was a complete mess. Everything in the two front rooms were tossed all over the floor and the counters. “Were we robbed?” I asked myself and ran upstairs to go to my room. I went straight to my desk and noticed it wasn’t there anymore. “W-Where’s my story…?” I asked and all of a sudden someone grabs me from behind and covers my words. “Don’t scream Stella. Everything is going to be alright. We just need you to cooperate with us for now.” I struggled to get out of his grip, not even worrying how he knew my name but it was no use. The man was too strong for me. “Jessica, I’ve got her. We need to get out of here now.” Someone else covered my eyes to where I couldn’t see at all and tied my hands together behind my back. The hand was removed from my mouth and I growled. “What do you people want with me?! I didn’t do a thing!” “No you didn’t but like I said, we need your help.” I was dragged somewhere but I continued to struggle until something had knocked me out. I woke up later in a room that I didn’t recognize. I looked around to see that I was laying in a large bed. I stood up from the bed and walked across the room and saw a picture of me when I was a few years younger but I didn’t know who the boy was in the picture with me. It seemed that we were best friends in the picture. “Who is this?” I questioned myself. I honestly didn’t remember who or how we knew each other. There was a knock on the door and I turned to it, wondering who it was. I opened the door, seeing one of the men from the dorm room. I gasped and tried to close it but he stuck his foot in the door. “Stella, don’t do this.” He shoved the door in and knocked me back a little bit from the force. “Sit…” he muttered as he pointed to the bed. I sat down on the bed and looked up to him after he sat in the chair at the computer desk across the room. “Do you remember this room?” he randomly asked me. I looked to him confused. “What are you talking about? I’ve never seen this room before. Now, if you don’t mind, I would love to-” “We’re not taking you back Stella.” I turned to the door after a woman walked in, interrupting me. “Stop calling me that!” I yelled. They turned to each other then to me. “That’s your name.” The girl replied. “Yes, I’m aware of what my name is. But it’s creeping me out that you know me and I have no clue who you are and I want some answers! Now!” “You do know us but we took your memory last time we saw each other.” I glanced over to him after he said that. “You took my memory? What the hell are you talking about?! Have you two lost your minds?” I noticed the girl grab the picture I looked at earlier and tossed it on the bed I was sitting on. “If we lost our minds, then explain this picture.” I looked down at it again and saw me and the boy again. “Who are you guys?” I questioned and lifted my head up to them. “I’m Jessica and he’s Andrew. Believe it or not Stella, but we are spies. And so are you.” My mouth dropped in disbelief and laughed nervously. “Heh, you two really have lost your minds. I’m getting out of here before you corrupt my mind with even more nonsense…” I muttered and stood up from the bed, walking towards the door. Jessica pushed a button, making the door close right in front of me and it locked itself. I gasped and turned back to them. “What are you doing? Open the damned door so I can leave!” “Stella, you need to understand, you truly are a spy. We just erased your memories of this place because you wanted to live a normal life. This used to be your old bedroom when you worked for us.” Andrew announced. “And I still want a normal life! Why did you bring me here if you said I wanted a normal life?!” “We have a huge problem. The city is in danger if we don’t do anything.” Jessica replied calmly. I glanced to her and growled. “In danger? And you want someone to save the world, why did you choose me?” “You were one of the best spies when we had you here.” I rolled my eyes and turned around, placing my head to the door. I had a headache with all this information and wanted to lay down again. “What if I refuse to help you guys?”
This reminds me of pop songs for some reason. Now, let's give you some advice. First off, posting a wall of text is off-putting towards readers. Also, when a new character speaks, make a break. It gets confusing as to who's speaking. Every writer does this to avoid confusion. You need to work on spelling and grammar, too. You're using wrong tenses in a few parts, which is also something you should look out for. There's also the sentence structure and detail. In this written piece, they barely leave space for detail; which is strange for a spy, since they are supposed to be sharper than normal, regardless of memory loss. These are minor things, that combined together, can hamper a creative idea. By the way, is this a fan-fic, or an original story? I can't tell, that with a character named Donald, and all...
It's an original. I was just playing KH when I got Donald's name. No relation to Donald Duck though. Thanks for the pointers though. I like it when someone tells me what's wrong or not. I'm aware of the grammar and everything. I haven't finished editing this portion of the story yet.
I like the story thusfar but like Chevalier said, you should put more seperate parts of text instead of 2 huge parts. I can also understand Chevalier's point on Stella having more eye for detail as she IS a spy after all, but I think the fact she doesn't have that ability anymore can still be explained in future chapters. Good job, it's really mysterious with a little climax at the end imo. Keep it up!
Yea, she's going to be slowly getting her 'spy skills' back eventually so she'll be more sharp about everything around her.
If that's the case then I'm fine with it :). Just try to use more paragraphs, that's I think the only tip I can give you at this time :p
Yes, divide the big chunks of story into smaller, that way you make it more attractive to read. A huge wall of text doesn't invite someone to read it.
Seems like your well under way what you're suppose to do, but I'll add in my two cents of wisdom as well. Like Chevalier says, it does seem a bit rushed. Like you're having the readers run a race through the story to get to the good part. This makes readers go, "Oh... well I know what happens now." And then they won't want to read the rest even though you haven't told the whole story yet. Put you're own spunk and personality in there. Make it alive instead of a dead banana. It doesn't have to be long, but try to put a little more adjectives in there to describe things, describe more about the situation and the mood, perhaps give the foreshadowing more of a shadow, and just put a little more life in it. You know what I mean, right? So yup! That's what I got for ya. ^^ Good luck to you.
