Hogwarts new stories

chapter one-the sorting

the small family walked towards the station,waving their way through the many,busy people they stopped,right in between platfourms nine and ten,the mother looked at her oldest son
"albus..you go first..."she said to him
"Ok mum"albus said he ran at the wall,the little girl who stood next to her father gasped and closed her eyes,when she opend them again,her brother was gone,her mother looked at the youngest son.
"james...on you go...."she said
"ok mum."james said,taking the trolly from his mother,he took a run and again the girl closed her eyes and again,once she opend them,her brother was gone...
"ready to go lily?"her father asked
"y-yeah..."she said nervously,she took her fathers elbow,her mother grabbed onto the trolly too,they took a run at the wall,she closed her eyes,but felt nothing,she opend her eyes again,and saw a gleamming red train,her mother and father smiled as they looked at the train,but lily looked around,she could see albus talking with his friends a little way from james who was messing around with his friends,
"where are they?"lily mutterd
"dont worry...they'll be here...knowing your aunt...she wont want to miss sending her children to school,he looked around for them also,there was aloud shout
"HARRY!" someone called,they all turned to see a family of five coming their way,but the two girls who were with them left to stand with ablus and james.they now family of three stood infront of harry,ginny and lily,lily smiled weakly at them, lewis.her cousin gave her a cheerie smile
"Looking forward to it?"he asked
"kinda..."she said,harry and ron put the trunks in the train
"cant belive lewis going to hogwarts with jayden and andrea..."ron said
"Yeah i cant belive lily's going with albus and james...they grow up to fast dont they?"harry said and ron nodded,hermione and ginny were talking
"well jayden better settle down and get on with her owls..."she said
"yes...i agree...james needs to calm down..hes not like albus...abus is a hard worker...he'll do good...i know he will..."ginny said,the train whistle went
"oh is it time already?!"hermione said
"yeah now hurry up you two..."Harry said
"make friends...dont get into fights..."ginny said
"and dont let any slytherin give you any rubbish..."ron finished,with final huggs and kisses goodbye lily and lewis jumped on the train,james and jayden could be herd messing around again,lily and lewis waved out a window,ginny,hermione and ron all waved,harry walked with the train,waving at them,he kept waving until he couldnt see the train anymore..
"they'll be fine...."ginny said to him
"corse they will mate...nothing can go wrong..."ron said"they got each others backs..."
"He's right harry..they'll look after each other..."hermione said
"yeah...i know they will..."Harry said,
once they had found a compartment,lily and lewis sat down at the window,people passed but didnt bother with them,lewis already had his hogwarts robes on but liy had to changed half way through the journey,they were almost there when the door slide open
"can i sit here?"asked a girl with short light brown hair and blue eyes,
"yeah..."Lily said before lewis could answer
"thanks..."the girl said sitting down "Im laura by the way..."she said
"Im lily..."she said,
"Nice to meet you lily..."laura said looking at the red-headed girl "I like your eyes...nice shade of green..."she added
"thanks..."Lily said,laura turned to lewis
"and you are?"she said
"Lewis..."he mutterd,the girl looked at the boy with brown spickey hair and brown eyes,
"nice to meet you ..."she said, they sat in silence the rest of the way,once the train stopped the hopped off and herd a voice call
"over 'ere first ye'rs over 'ere!"
"HAGRID!" lily and lewis said happily
"Hello there you two..."He said beaming..."go and get boats quick.."
"well well well....look what the cat draged in...a potty and a weasel..."said a snide voice.lily and lewis turned to see a girl with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes ad her face paler than death
"who are you?"lily asked
"Malfoy...cathy malfoy..."she said "well...see you up there..."she said walking away
"I dont like her.."lewis mutterd
"Nobody likes malfoys...."Lily said she got in a boat with lewis and some others,once they reached the school they waited out in the hall,then they were taken into the great hall,lily saw her brothers black haired heads turn to her,then she saw andrea and jaydons red heads turn to lewis,they stoped in front of the stool
"now when i call your name,you will conforth and place the hat on your head..."said the professor a number of names were called out including malfoy...she got put in slytherin,lily watched her sit next to two boys,so like her lily has guessed they were her older brothers....
"potter lilian..."said the professor,lewis looked at her,lily stumbled forward and sat on the stool,she put the hat on
hm..what have we got here? another potter? i see talent in you...much more talent than your parents or your brothers...you smart...but not smart enough for ranvenclaw...not huffle puff..you wouldnt belong their....you are cunning...slytherin perhaps? no? well you are brave...then it better be... GRYFFINDOR! The hat shouted,lily took it off,she smiled,at lewis as she ran to sit with her brothers,andrea and jayden hugged her and albus and james clapped her on the back,
"weasley lewis!"
lily watched lewis walk forwards after a minitue or two the hat shouted
"GRYFFINDOR!",Lewis joined lily and the others at the griffindor table,after a spech and feast..they went to their dorms to do as they wished,lily and lewis...went to bed because they were so tired.they couldnt wait for the next day...

 

Whoa whoa whoa, what? It's text massive and it's really annoying that you don't capitilaize names. You repeativly use visuality and words. Otherwise it's okay.......(use my advice and work on your weaker points.) I hope to see the rest of the story.

 

What Xaale said. You need more periods, proper punctuation, and I think this belongs in the Original Work section.

 

Okay here:

Add more periods.

Try writing like this:

"blah de blah" said blah, "blah blah"
(space)
next line.

it will make it neater and not too bunched, and it won't look so long =]