‘Conor’ Conor Byrt opened his eyes to see complete darkness around him. Where was he? He was unsure. Soon his eyes adjusted to the unusually dark darkness suddenly a small dim spark shined in the distance. A soft possessed sounding voice spoke out with a giggle. ‘Conor’ As the voice spoke the dim spark became brighter and brighter till Conor was engulfed in the light when Conor looked around, it wasn’t complete dark nor was it complete light either it seemed to in the in between. ‘H-Hello?’ He called out, the small giggle happened again. Conor looked around. He could hear the shuffling of small footsteps but each time he turned his head in the sounds direction it stopped and then happened in the opposite direction after a few seconds. ‘Whose there?’ Conor demanded. Then out of the in between shadows stepped a girl with raven winged black tony pale tied up hair which was neatly tied up with a thin ribbon, she was wearing a worn out dress which seemed to have faded red colored stains on and in her left hand she carried a broken doll with a stitched on smile it oddly seem to resemble a person. The girl did a curtsy then began to hum a lullaby of some sort. She pulled up the doll she was carrying then pulled out the small thread which was holding the stitched smile together, out of the dolls mouth poured a black reddish liquid it kept on pouring out to the doll was reduced to a empty sack the girl shook the sack and few more drops for the blackened red liquid dripped onto the floor. ‘Looky’ said the little girl pointing to the floor her voice sounding otherworldly and dark but at the same time it held the child like sweetness sound of a little girl. Conor looked down to the strange liquid on the floor. ‘Dolly’s blood is no longer red...Dolly is no good to me now’ Said the little girl. She giggled and reached her free hand to Conor. Conor unsurely reached his hand out; the little girl took a loose grip of Conors hand and began to walk Conor stayed still. ‘C’mon!’ Said the little girl with a smile. ‘Just follow me’ the little girl began to walk again still holding Conors hand, he unsurely began to walk beside her. The little girl began to hum again, her voice made Conor shiver never had he heard such a sweet but dark otherworldly voice. ‘W-what’s..Your name?’ Conor asked as him and the little girl wondered into the in between shadows as they stepped it was like somebody had switched on a flickering light switch which shined a dull dim light. The little girl carried on humming the empty sack which was once a doll was swinging violently at her side Conor waited a few seconds more then repeated his question. ‘What’s your name?’ He asked again. ‘My name is Ella. Ella-may.’ She said ‘Erm..N-nice to meet you Ella-may. My name is- ‘No need to tell me your name’ Ella said letting go of Conors hand and stepping in front of him. ‘I already know it. I’ve always knew it.’ She then smiled and began to skip further into the flickering darkness. Conor stood still, unsure if to follow the little girl or stay in the darkness which appeared to be swallowing him. ‘Conor! C’mon this way’ Ella May’s voice echoed creepily. Conor ran till he was by Ella May’s side again. They carried on walking for what seemed like forever to Conor till Ella stood completely still, dropped the once doll sack on the ground and clapped when she did it a white bubble like dome appeared in a blink of an eye. She picked back up what remained of her doll and put into the dome and fiddled with it till it was sat up right, Conor took a closer look at the dome he realized there was other people resembling dolls that sat beneath which were now just empty lifeless sacks all with stitched on smiles. ‘They were all once my dollies’ explained Ella sensing Conor curiosity. ‘But there blood turned black. When blood is black dollies are no use to me. No more life. No more soul. No more fun for me. I like to store them in this dome. It’s kinda like a prison. Even though there life and soul is gone there still trapped here. Forever. With no escape.’ Conor could feel a lump at the back of his throat. ‘Enough looking Conor’ Said Ella may, she grabbed Conors finger and started to drag him away. Conors eyes were fixed on the once doll sacks and there dome prison as it got further away Conor swore he could faint tiny whispers telling him to run while he could. Ella only walked about 25 steps at least that’s what Conor counted too still she stopped again and let go of Conors hand. She peered around. ‘Oh where did I put it!?’ Ella shouted her voice angry dark and deep. ‘Where is it? Where is it?!’ Ella’s screaming was overwhelming, Conor desperately tried to look around for whatever Ella was looking for. He looked around a few giant steps beside him was a small brown box, there was nothing else in the flickering darkness Conor could see so he picked it up and rushed it over to Ella her screaming stopped and turned into a delighted giggle. ‘Thank you so much Conor!’ The child sweetness returned to her voice she sat down on the floor. She began humming as she opened the box, Conor looked on as Ella pulled out a needle and some thread she held up the thread in air and seemed to be comparing its color to Conors hair color. ‘No that color won’t do!’ She spat and began to rumble through the brown box again. ‘Ella….why I am here?’ Conor asked finally. Ella didn’t answer him she was too busy fiddling through and comparing needles and thread colors. ‘Little girls should not be allowed to play with needles’ Conor said. Ella giggled still searching through the box. ‘Funny?’ Asked Conor. ‘Yes. Yes it is. You see Conor’ Ella said pulling out some thread and comparing it to Conors skin before finishing her sentence. ‘I’m allowed to play with needles since I am not a normal little girl’ Conor could feel all the air escape from his lungs as Ella May stood up and kicked the brown box containing which now occurred to Conor to be sewing equipment to the side, her once blue eyes had turned to a horrid dead pale yellow color she smiled and twirled the needle around with her fingers. ‘W-what you gunna do w-with that?’ Conor asked once he managed to get a gasp of air. ‘Do you remember how you got here?’ Ella asked ignoring Conor’s question. Conor thought hard. He was just in a dream…wasn’t he? Just a nightmare nothing more. Then he remembered. He had crashed his motorcycle. ‘Am I…dead?’ Conor asked panicking. Ella gave a cute giggle. ‘No. Far from it. But in the same way very near it. You’re body is in lying in a hospital. You’re in a coma. Everything that matters, your soul, your mind etc is here with me.’ Ella explained she found it greatly pleasing to sense Conors confusion and fear. ‘So I am dreaming? I’ll wake up..Right?’ He asked desperate for the answer to be yes you’ll wake up. Ella did a lip sealed action by pretending to stitch her lips together when she was done finishing the action she smirked. Conor swore under his breath ‘Answer me!’ He demanded. Ella eyes grew angry. ‘I’m not a normal little girl- ‘You’ve already told me that!’ Conor said ‘Just tell me..why? Why I am here? And how can I get back!’ ‘It’s very rude to interrupted people in mid sentence.’ Ella said glaring. ‘If you want to know the answers to the questions you’ve asked you need to listen. My mummy the purest of angels and my Daddy the darkest of demons put me here. I’m in charge of the in-between. The in-between of life and death. My job is to look after the people who are not ready to pass with care.’ Ella giggled before continuing ‘At least that’s what my Mummy says for me to do. But I’m a Daddies girl. Daddy says to torture those who come here. It can get very lonely here. Not many people come in the in-between; they normally go straight to hell or heaven. The people who normally come here are in a coma the only thing keeping them alive in the living world is the life support machine. Like you. You’re just being kept alive in the living world by a machine. You can’t go back. I’m never gunna let you go back to the living world. Your gunna stay here.’ Conor refused to accept what he was just told he wanted to scream but a small whimper came out. Ella laughed she began to fiddle with the needle again. ‘All my other dolls. Life support machines were switched off. Some took years to be switched off others took a matter of weeks. But either way. I made them suffer. They stay here now. In the little prison Daddy made me. I need a new one. I need new playmate. I need new company. I need a new dolly’ Ella said as if it was causal the child side to her voice was sweet and slightly high pitched like when a child is asking very sweetly for its mother to buy it something. Something clicked inside Conors mind. The faded red stain on Ella’s dress was blood. The dolls didn’t just resembled people; it was the person it resembled in a way. He was trapped. He was going become Ella’s new dolly. ‘Ah. You finally get it?’ Ella said smiling ‘I think I’ll stitch a big scared face for you’ Conor found himself shuffling backwards. ‘You can’t run’ Ella said in a whisper as she started to walk slowly toward Conor. Run!’ Said the ghost whispers in Conors head he turned and began to run. ‘There is nowhere to go.’ Ella voice echoed. Conor stopped to catch his breath the sound of wind happened Ella was stood beside Conor once again. ‘I told you not to run!’ Ella whispered darkly pulling Conors wrist down to her level. Without warning and with inhuman strength she pinned the needle into his skin Conor was screaming with pain, blood started to pour he did his best to wriggle free but it was no use. ‘Let go!’ Conor begged Ella didn’t let go she just smiled and pressed harder, Conor thought quickly he kicked Ella’s leg which made her pull out the needle while she was piecing together what just happened Conor ran, and ran into the flickering darkness. He had been running for a few minutes he stood still and listened. No little footsteps. No angry sighs. Have I escaped? Conor started to think. She..Hasn’t found me yet. Maybe I could get out of here somehow, maybe there’s a passage way or something that could-Conors thoughts turned into a blood curdling scream. Ella had got him. Ella’s was happily humming as she tugged the past piece of thread into place. ‘There. All done.’ She said with a smile then a giggle. She held up her new creation. It was a sack doll of Conor. His blood, his mind and soul all trapped inside the sack body. ‘Let’s go and play Dolly’ she said to it before skipping off. ‘I could hear the doctor’s voices from the hospital earlier. They said your parents are going to keep you on the machine for a long time. Till you wake up they said. It looks like I’m going to have a lot of fun then.’ ~ Sorry for the long ish read. Thoughts? How to improve it? All welcome. Sorry if theres any errors or anything...
*Shudders* Bleh heh, it did give me mental images. D: Anyways, creepy for a short horror story but it seemed like you were rushing it a little in the beginning. And it seemed like Conor was blank or something in the beginning, because he didn't acknowledge the fact that there's red liquid dripping out of a doll. It just seemed odd to me, like he took it as "Oh, well I see red stuff pouring out of dolls every day.". And with the way you had Ella describing no one ever gets out alive in her prison, it just made me go "And now he's going to die, unless there's a plot twist." So when it did happen, it was like the story called it ahead of time. It was a little suspenseful, because you didn't know what was going to happen until it happened... but then you knew it was going to happen and woot, there's the end. The adjectives you used seemed a bit repetitive and awkwardly placed. Like you didn't know yourself how to describe the situation. There's a website called rhymezone.com and it'll help you pick out new words to use in your story. Also from my previous experiences of writing suspense, put yourself in the character's situation. Take on their personality and look through their eyes while you're writing the story. It'll help you know what to write and how to write it, because you witnessed it through your characters. So pretty good job. If you learn how to work with the elements of greater suspense and use different adjectives to give readers a greater sense of dread, then this story will be even more epic.
Thank you for the criticism. Yes I know I repeated some things. I think I mostly rushed it because its an assignment for my English class ^^''I think I'll try to improve the parts you pointed out. Thanks.
