Friendships and Relationships

Where does the line that separates friendship and relationship end?
Can people really become close friends, and not be attracted to the other either physically or mentally?
Have you ever had a very close friend that you grew attracted to? How did it make you feel; happy, scared, confused?

The main purpose of this thread to see what you, the members of KHV, think about the questions above. I'm interested to see the responses~

 

oh my goodness this reminds me of a similar situation i'm in/was in. in my first semester of college there's this guy who is totally funny in every single way, he has the type of humor that i like and at first i didn't really see him attractive in any way more than a friend. it wasn't until i spent more time with him and my other friend started to become "the three musketeers" of our class (eating lunch together, walking across campus together, etc.) that he really started to interest me in more than a friendly type way.

so i guess it's probably when i start to spend more time with someone i become more attracted to them. out of sight out of mind kind of plays into this, and the more i'm around a cute, friendly person, the more i can potentially see myself with them. but it bloooows because i'm not the kind of person to be straight up front with my crushes sooooo waaah.

 

So do you agree that people cannot become close friends without feeling some kind of attraction?

And also, your story is very touching. c':

 

i think in my case it was. but it made it even harder to try to keep him as a friend in my mind especially because he was physically attractive. and although it's not all that should matter, don't you think physical attractiveness is a factor in whether or not you see someone as a friend or a potential date? cause i think so in a way.

 

Oh yes, definitely. At the risk of appearing a tad snobbish, physical features are a somewhat large factor in a potential date. Not to say I wouldn't befriend somebody because of their looks, ugly or not, because personality is what matters for me in that category. But when it comes to dating, I want someone that is emotionally and physically appealing, don't you think?

It may come from the fact that I want to be... popular and well-liked by everyone, however shallow that may sound. I feel that if I don't have an attractive boyfriend, people would look at me and think, "Why would he date someone as ugly as him?" I always concern about what others think of me, so I also think that plays a role.

 

yeah that's how i feel sometimes too, it's not shallow at all. everyone has their preferences and especially in our friend circles we always want to choose someone that will be approved by our peers. like i personally know i'm pretty picky and have a tendency to friend zone a lot of people because i think my standards are pretty high. but i think there's a point where eventually if you don't have contact with that person after a while you can get over that initial "hmmm do i want to be just friends or something more" and become really close friends with someone. it's definitely a confusing time until you figure it out, almost like a chess game where you have to calculate every word you say so that you don't give them the wrong idea.

 

I find it very possible to be close friends yet not be quite... 'attracted' to them. The line between friendship and relationship is purely emotional, in my opinion. Although the dive into relationship may grant you more of an opportunity for a more physical passion, like they say, it's 'the thought that counts.' You reach the line of relationship when both you and your partner feel that you are in a relationship, and think of each other in that newfound light that is love.

I suppose I don't know too awful much about this kind of thing, for I'm newly fourteen and have yet to quite experience a real relationship, but that's my two sense.

 

I agree completely, especially your point about the chess metaphor. When you want to be more than friends with someone, it may actually demolish the friendship. Building on what you said, you may not want them to know that you like them, so you'd act distant and watch every word/action you say/do towards them. In friendships, being close to the person (like still on speaking terms, no matter what their location may be) is of major importance, at least to me. If one of my friends liked me and acted distant in the way I described before because of their hidden attraction, I may not want to be friends with that person anymore, thus shattering their hopes of becoming more than friends and the friendship itself. I also think that if you manage to confess your attraction to your friend, their reaction may not be so pleasant. Your friend may not want to speak with you, or interact with you in anyway, because they're uncomfortable with that new found knowledge. Like I said before, it's another way that a friendship can die. And for what; to get rid of that aching feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are too afraid to tell them how you truly feel? It's very tragic, yes?

But wouldn't you find some kind of quality in them to be 'attracted' to, whether in a friendship or relationship fashion? Almost like that first impression you get when you meet them that makes you want to befriend them.

On a little side note, I am also fourteen and don't have much experience in this type of discussion, so I most of this are things I've witnessed. :x

 

I think everyone has a differing definition of this. Some people keep their friendships strictly platonic, while others are far more open to "friends with benefits" type situations. It all depends on what you and the other person are comfortable with. Personally, however, I'm uncertain. I haven't found myself in many romantic situations, and basically no serious ones, but I have felt some attractions for friends. When it's to the point where you are thinking of them excessively, in a romantic manner, you need to start questioning whether you may have some feelings for them, and whether it's fleeting or something more.

Well, it depends on what sort of attraction it is. The traits that we look for in a partner may overlap with those we look for in a friend, and vice versa. In friendships, we will usually seek someone mentally compatible; someone who shares similar interests or is of a similar mindset, belief system, whatever. The same can be said for a significant other. Physically, I do think it is a lesser standard for friends than for a romantic interest. Anyone who says that they don't notice physical appearance is lying; whether you can move past it and appreciate someone for their mind and not their outward appearance is one thing, but we will always judge books by their covers--some just to a lesser extent than others. Still, I do think we want to have friends that are personally (doesn't have to be sexually) attractive to us, it's just far more pronounced in a romantic context.

Outward appearances are how we first get our bearings on someone. If we see that a person is unwashed and is wearing a tee shirt with grease stains all over it, we conclude that they probably care little for themself and society's standards of hygiene. That isn't usually someone we want to associate with, either friendship-wise or romantically.

The only time I can ever think of this applying was in the ninth grade, it was a very transient feeling and nothing serious. Since that is puberty time, everybody starts looking different & so on, and one of my friends lost quite a bit of weight and began dressing a lot better, and I felt an attraction there; he was also a friend who, though I hadn't maintained consistent and close contact with, was always friendly and welcoming to me. So I suppose I did have some feelings, but they faded quickly and he remained a close friend.

In my hypothetical romantic land, a partner would have to be a friend before becoming something "more" to me. I'm not the type to meet someone and immediately peg them as you are a nice boy and I would like to date you, it's something that develops very slowly for me and is based largely upon growing more intimate over time, perhaps several years. I think it's fully possible for me to have male friends without developing feelings, same as having female friends (I'm a heterosexual female, for reference). One day there will just be someone that I realize is something more to me. I guess. I don't really know, haha. Interesting thread though~

 

I think it's possible to be really close with someone and not be attracted to them. I have a lot of people that I'm close with that I don't find attractive, but that doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with them. The only close friend I've ever grown attracted to is someone that I'm still friends with. He's been one of my best online friends for a long time, but the whole distance thing put a wedge in the middle of that idea.

I do agree with you that in order to date someone you have to be attracted to them. In fact it bugs me when people shut that down and say that it's a shallow mindset. A lot of people have great personalities, but that is something that separates a friend from a boyfriend or girlfriend. It isn't shallow to have taste or a type of person you want to be with.

I also agree with this:

I mean of course there is no sign or light saying that you're in love and you could be in a relationship before you fall in love with the person (I'm living proof of this), but I agree with this idea. I have always seen love as a key to a successful relationship. Why stay with someone for a long period of time or become more than friends if you don't think you have a potential love? I also think that in order for physical passion, there needs to be emotional attachment. I don't consider hookups "physical passion". I'm talking real connection. I also think there is a line between loving someone (family, friends, etc) and being in love with someone. Where that line draws is different for every person.

 

Very true, but doesn't that attraction still exist (the attraction of friendship, to clarify)? Like I said in reply to Krowley's post, wouldn't there be an attraction that'd make you want to befriend the person? And isn't it possible that this quality you find attractive may grow exponentially and cause you to have feelings for your friend?

I agree, but what if the qualities you look for in a friend are the same as those with a partner? Wouldn't that mean that you'd be attracted to them, almost "love at first sight" type of situation? This would erase the line that separates friendship and relationship, and may also blur the two together in a confusing matter. One day you may feel nothing for them, while the next you may feel strongly for them. If your standards for both friendship and relationship are the same, how would you be able to tell whether or not you're attracted to them?

A very good point, but like you said in your example of the immediate 'pegging' of a boy, wouldn't that 'peg' eventually develop into a possible attraction?

When I said attractive, I didn't just mean physical attractions. Some people may find other attracting mostly on their personality (but as Misty said, physical appearance always plays a part). As you said, personalities can be the separation between a friend and a boyfriend/girlfriend. But wouldn't you find their personalities attractive, since you wanted to be their friend? I mean, you don't just walk up to a random person and say, "Hey, I want you to be my friend!" unless there's some feature (whether physical or emotional) that you find attractive.

 

Many of them came be, just as there can be differences, but they are fundamentally similar. In my head, there are agreeable qualities in a person; if you exhibit a few of them, awesomesauce, let's be pals. If you exhibit more than a few of them, I'm more likely to be close to you. So I suppose we can quantify it like that. But I don't think that love or attraction is really anything that can be quantified or defined. The human qualities you find attractive or agreeable are often the same in friends as they are in partners, but a partner may display more of them, or them to a stronger extent than any of your friends.

It simply takes you deciding whether the chemistry between you and that person is strong enough to develop a romantic relationship upon or if the two of you are better suited for friendship. As Famous said, there are no signs or explicit indications that you've passed from friend territory to romantic territory. You have to decide for yourself whether the feeling is something permanent, that won't go away unless expressed (positively received or not), and you've got to decide if it's a chance worth taking. It's certainly a confusing place to be, but life rarely provides guarantees or clear "this is a real romantic feeling and you should act upon it." It's something you must define for yourself, calculate the risks, and take that jump.

I'm discussing the emotional aspect, of course. I think we all know how sexual attraction works, haha.

 

Ah, I think I see what you're saying. And basically, you're saying that there virtually is no line that separates friendship and relationship, because it's something you "define for yourself"?

 

There's no universal one--universal in that it applies to all people, or universal in that it applies to all relationships. It's something you have to decide given the specific circumstances of that specific situations. At least, that's what I believe? haha

 

I have to disagree and say that I find this very shallow indeed. If you are concerned about what your peers think, then you are only a step away from dating someone in order to please them, as they are included in your peers. A heart that is guided to love by the standards of others will have trouble finding any true friends, let alone someone they truly love. Perhaps I misunderstood, but you both make it sound as if a lover is a matter of business. It sounds as if you would pick your lovers in the same way that you would pick the clothes to wear to the wedding. Both choices are equally shallow in my eyes. I feel like more of a romantic than both of you as things stand.

But do not mind me. Who am I to say what you meant? Please clarify if you feel that my judgments were misguided.

As or the topic at hand, I find it easy to stay close to people without getting attracted to them. I have not struggled with this before. I am not sure that I can sympathize with those who grow attracted without wanting to do so.

 

Socially, we judge whether what we are doing is normal or right based on what everyone else is doing. I learned about in my Sociology class, forgot the technical title for it, but we used the concept of laughtracks as an example--if we see/hear others laughing, we will laugh too. We're prone to questioning ourselves if what we're doing is acceptable and normal, and for much if not all of the population, part of that is determined by the approval of others.

 

Well, that's my opinion, here it goes:

I believe that, at least for me, there isn't a "line" with contains both "Friendship" and "Relationship". I think that you unconsciously or consciously know how to divide those two things.

If you like someone, you will feel "attracted" to this person. You will want to become closer with him/her, but not a "friend", another kind of bond, the bond which both of you would share... the bond that each of you would have and can call "in love".

For Friendship, you will want to stay with this person too. But you aren't "in love" with the person, you just love her/him as a friend.

So you can say you love your friends, and it's true, depending on the friend you love him/her. But don't feel "attracted to be in love". You just want to be with the person because of your friendship. So you can say "yes it's my friend, I love him/her!" But when it comes to someone you feel "attracted to and want to be in love", you can question yourself "...as a friend?" or even confess "I'm in love". But when it comes to a friend, you will only say that it's a friend. And you know it's just it. If you don't, then you feel something about this "friend".

That's my opinion, it's a bit confusing because we're talking about feelings, but I hope you understood it.~​

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It is shallow. Interesting to note is how I hadn't seen a photo of my very first lover many months into the relationship; likewise, he hadn't even seen a photo of me until well after the relationship was over. He had not even seen a photo of me, I had not him, and from what I can recall he hadn't even known what I looked like. He thought me a blonde for the longest time, in his imaginings.

I was okay with this. If that alone, a rather extreme example, is not enough to disprove your saying that physical appeal is always a factor-- he was a cripple, and much older than I. I was very young, and I do not use that lightly. Creeping into paedophilic territory. Tho I'll admit I am omitting, for instance, how it was entirely a platonic 'ship. On my side, that is. Vaguely I recall that, the same could not be said of his side. Ya, talks of sex were met with my disinterest. This however had I believe, little to do with his lacking physical attraction and more to do with my simply being too young to care for such sexual things. But I digress. Perhaps too personal.

I do not know that I have a physical preference, sexually, honestly. I do not care for peer approval, either, if that was not made clear by the rather paedophilic relationship...

A Pansexual I suppose, until proven otherwise.
You should not speak as if you are familiar with others' positions really.
I will be honest, I narrowed my eyes at some of these responses. Much irritance.

FORZIE, ARE YOU READING THIS? PROUD PANDASEXUAL, PRIDE MY LITTLE PANDA

 

Yes, and now I am sorry that I did not utilize the word 'social' in my post like I had planned. I change nothing about my position. If you make romance a social concern, then you are not acting of your own accord and the love is shallow. Just as laughing with a laugh track is shallow. Do you disagree with that assessment?

 

I said that it was merely a human tendency, and one that isn't really worth faulting. It's natural. There are, as with all things, outliers here, and perhaps you are one of them, but I don't believe it's really fair to say it's shallow. But I digress, a bit off-topic now.