I just thought of this little story here, and it will be told from two perspectives- Rosaline and Adonis, who meet under the worst case scenario. Heres a bit from Rosaline.... Fragments- Rosaline Why do we fall in love? People tell me they fall in love because of their qualities or that their love oversees boundaries of time and space, that their on a different plain then normal people that are in love. Some even go as far as they complete them, like one half of their soul, their body, their mind. I wished since I was little for a princess wedding, the ones like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty had in those Disney stories, when my knight in shining armor comes and saves me from falling grace, a fate I cannot escape without my other part of my soul being there, without my puzzle piece that completes me to make me whole. A person, who I actually like….instead of these fragments that I am stuck in, forever bound by the laws of false love, and me falling into the trap and stuck inside till someone gets me out. I thought I loved Matt with all my heart, I really did…I catered to his every need, did what he wanted to make him happy, and to him, it wasn’t enough. He was the school’s star lacrosse player, and major player. Every girl wanted to get with him because of his Ice blue eyes that stared at you with a sense of lose and determined look that he wanted what he set his goals on, and this time it was me. I didn’t want anything to do with him, but his hands….they were destructive. I remember when he first approached me. I was by the school soccer field waiting for girls’ gym to start, bored and cold in the girl’s gym uniform I started to shiver and I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice that felt out of place on this boy’s stature, he was so big and his voice sounded so small and breakable, like porcelain or china. “Your hair reminds me of the sun, but you seem so cold…” he said, and I laughed for some reason, I still don’t know why….but I seemed to fall in love at that instant….and his voice asked a question. “What is your name, sunshine?” he smiled a bit while he sat next to me on the cold bleachers, why does it have to be so cold in March? I asked myself as I thought how to answer this in a cool way, but nothing came up. “My name is Rosaline…” I said playing with my blonde hair, avoiding contact with his blue ice eyes that strike my heart to skip a beat. He got closer and held my hand and I yelped a bit, why was he talking to me? There are so many girls out there to pick, and he chose me out of the sea of petite dolls and picked a plain rag doll from a second hand bin. I soon found out he chose me because I was easy to succumb to his hits and scars without fighting back.
Well...I must say this IS better than all that you've written. It's nice and all, but it somehow lacks a bit in style, in which case can be overlooked since you're just beggining. I'm somehow thinking the last sentence could have been played out better, instead of saying in one sentence everything that happens between them... Then again the former is more something out of personal opinion...so that isn't something you need to change. Overall this is good...what matters now is where you can take it.
Fragments-Rosaline The Light at the End of the Tunnel See, after that day of gym when I met Matt, he invaded my every thought, every time I would think of something….he would pop into my head like a jack in a box. It bothered me so much, I never had feelings like this for someone, but soon I would regret what I did next to stop these intrusions in my mind. I asked him out a few days later and he said yes. I was on cloud nine for days, I’d never been happier in my life until now. He was the greatest boy I had ever met, he treated me like a princess, and I treated him in any way. I still had a feeling that he was using me, but my emotions and his complements covered it up almost like it was never there. In June, about a month after we started going out, I found him nearby a group of friends after school had let out, his voice quivered as he laughed at some joke they cracked and they stopped, dead cold, in their tracks when they saw me. One of them, I think his name was John pointed towards me and said “Hey Matt, it’s that girl your’ going out, why don’t you talk to her?†he cracked a smile and snickered and it caused a chain reaction of giggles and smirks. I felt my face get red hot and I can just imagine what I looked like to those jerks. Matt looked towards me with a half crooked smile that showed that I was right all along, he was just playing me all along . I pulled my school sweater a bit closer to me and said in a stammer “F-f-forget it, I don’t have to deal with you Matt!†I walked away from the OOHs and BOOs and heard someone run after me; I made my pace quicker and turned the corner to the parking lot to my car, when someone grabbed my arm. The grip was hard and it was getting tighter. “Let go of me!†I screamed and pushed against the person’s body while he grabbed my other arm and pushed me against the locker, my head bounced on the lockers surface with a thud and I felt a cold breathing rhythm on my neck. “Why did you have to embarrass me like that? HUH!†he shook me harder and I started to cry, the tears running down my face and into his clenched fists that were on my upper arms, pinning me with no escape. His actions were the total polar opposite from his calm, and soothing nature. “P-P-Please……Stop…your hurting me….†I gasped from the pain when he made it tighter on my arms; I thought they were going to snap into twigs when I heard a girl shout. “ROSEALINE? IS THAT YOU!?†the girls voice got closer and I looked from the corner of my eye and through my tears, it was Harriet who came to save me. Matt saw her and let go of me, I crumpled to the floor and she advanced towards me with him still there, a looming bear ready to attack anyone for its prey. Harriet looked up at him and took her hand out and smacked him cleanly across the face. Matt staggered and stood a few feet from us and looked like he was going to attack her also with his might. Harriet put on a face I never seen before, the look in her eyes were ready to kill. “DON’T YOU TOUCH ME OR HER EVER AGAIN? YOU HEAR ME?†she yelled as she took out a bottle of mace spray and had one finger on the trigger to release the spray. Matt staggered again and ran away in the other direction. Leaving my sight of tears, Harriet bent down and held me in her arms trying to soothe me. “It’s okay Rose, he’s gone…okay?†I kept crying while she let go of me and took out her cell phone and dialed 911. I looked at my arms and they were forming bruises already…big black and blue blotches on my skin to remind me of the pain I would endure later on, my head pounding like a drill made me disoriented and I blanked out. I found myself in a white van and heard people talking into receivers. I found Harriet sitting next to the bed they put me in the van, she smiled when she noticed that I was awake. The police came and took me inside the hospital, the white room they put me in with Harriet gave us some time to talk. My head was bandage because I had a concussion and the doctors said that I would have to stay a few days. My eyes scanned the room till they hit the window, distracting me until I heard Harriet. “What exactly happen, Rose?†As she wiped the tears on my face away with some tissues, and some dry blood that the doctors missed when I bit my tongue. “He was with his friends when I saw him…and one of his friends made a comment...and he didn’t defend me like he was supposed to...or how I thought.†I looked out the window towards the sun, now setting on the horizon and orange glow danced inside the room. “So he came and attacked you? Because you told him off?†she asked in a whisper. She looked to the door, and got up and quickly closed it. ‘Look, Rosaline….you can’t tell the police he did it…If you do he will attack you again...and he might kill you.†Her tone scared me, it was frantic and pleading. “B-but…why?†I paused and thought about what she said. “It would be right to tell him what he did…so other girls would not have to go through the same as me!†Harriet’s eyes widen when I said this... “He’s….done this to you before?†she was shocked, I was her best friend, I would tell her anything. I looked down, defeated and said “He didn’t hurt me like this, he would grip my wrists until it hurt or mush my head...or even kick me lightly, but it would still hurt. He told me it was tough love…†tears streamed down my face, it was stained from too many tears already. I didn’t want to cry anymore. She looked angry when I said this and she got up again “Then why did you stay with him? Huh? Did you like the beatings?!?†she yelled at me and then I stopped her. “BECAUSE I TRULY LOVED HIM! OKAY, YOU HAVE YOUR ANWSER NOW!†I screamed back at her, more tears streaming down my face while she stood in disbelief, the machines connected to me beeping franticly and a nurse showed up in front of the door window, Harriet waved her off and she backed away from the door hesitantly. Harriet looked at me for a few minutes, just staring at me, trying to find a falter in me. She suddenly rushed towards me and hugged me. I flinched, but I held still, baffled at why she did this and I finally spoke. “Harriet…why†but she interrupted me and said “We cannot tell them because his family is very powerful, Rose, he will make sure you will suffer every second of your life…†she finally let go and walked across the room towards the window seat, looking towards the now fading sunset. I looked at her with pleading eyes and said “But If I don’t tell, I will still suffer every second of my life with these beatings…†Harriet looked lost and confused, he mouth tried to form an answer when I heard a knock on the door and it opening; a lady with a suit walked in and said in an official tone “Hello, are you Ms. Rosaline Woods?†she had brunette hair tied up in a tight bun and looked tired behind her frameless glasses. I nodded my head towards her direction and she spoke again. “Hello, I’m Detective Anne Corrine...I would like to speak to you about your attack…alone.†She glared towards Harriet and she got up and walked out the room, and Detective Anne closed the door behind her. She wlked towards the bed seat and fixed her pants and took out a note pad and pen and coughed “Now, let’s start by asking who attacked you.†Her pen stood ready to write, and I opened my mouth to answer, but I did not have an answer.
Bad Rayku. You know bumping is wrong. Here's my CnC: The fact that we get don't get any information about the boyfriend being an abuser after she actually says it to another person isn't very good, this means that you aren't giving enough info in the narrative, this does not mean info -dump which is basically dumping the info. You throw us into the situation, and we never know how bad he is to her, even when the narrator(herself) could easily tell us this. The same thing applies to Matt being of a powerful family. She could atleast make allusions to it in her narrating, because she is his girlfriend after all. There are some spelling & Grammar issues too, so try to check those out 'cause there are quite a few. And so...this story will be told from two different perspectives you should show their personalities through narrative, also.
I see...so in the next chapter I should explain some more on the boyfriend and more on personalities.
That is basically what I mean, but not exactly. Now that isn't even required because now we know(from last chapter) We don't really need those explanations on the next chapter. We need her personality to shine through in the narrative. Is she smart? Is she shy? Those things should reflect in the way you're writting, since it is from HER perspective of things. No info dump. When I say info dump I mean this: And so on. Perhaps she nottices how he sometimes embraces her a little too hard, or hugs her a bit too tight, making allusions to how he might have been a little too brutish. The reader isn't stupid, they will figure out that something is wrong just by you making brief mentions here & there. That's basically it.
I see, I never noticed the info-dumping in stories before untill now, so since I now know what to do...I shall work on it this week. The week I have off : D
Dude; this is getting good! But i see where Hymn is getting at. It's got a very interesting plot but it's got very little life. More feelings. =D I've got nothing more to say cause it's already bed said but keep up the good work! =DD
