For those who want kids: What will you teach them?

What, in your opinion, are the most important lessons for children to learn from their parents? Is there any traditional wisdom you intend not to teach (like "vent your anger," "if a boy teases you it means he likes you," etc.)?

 

Unfortunate implications for trans individuals.

 

It is a complex subject. I am sure there will be many things I did not expect if/when I raise children.

Things I will teach:

• Choose your own name. Names are important. They affect how others see you and how others see you affects who you become. Choose a name that represents who you want to be.
• Do not get upset about gender. You are who you are.
• Ask questions about things you do not understand. Others often have different perspectives that can help you even if you do not agree with them.
• Understanding the answer will help you find answers to your own questions. Do not stop asking about a subject until you understand why the answer is the way it is.
• Do not do what you are told just because you are told. Stand up for what makes sense to you and do not be afraid to correct me if I am wrong.
• Teachers and tests can be wrong.
• Sex is...
• Think before you act. Put yourself in others shoes' and imagine how you would react to what you are about to do before doing it.
• Intent is more important than impact. Think about what you plan to achieve before doing something. Reflexive actions are often against what you want. That goes for others, too. Think about what would make a person act the way they did before judging them.
• Take nothing on faith. Always question what you think you know and remember that you can never be truly sure of anything. Do not believe what you read without looking into it.
• Don't hold back. When it comes to your own happiness, let nothing get in your way. If you want to be happy, think about how to make that happen and do it; it's that easy.
• There is nothing you can't do. There are things that are hard, but nothing is impossible (except paradoxes). Accepting that you can't do something will not get you what you want; nor will it make you happy. Judge things by what is worth the effort, not by what you can and can't do.
• Do not get emotionally attached to people who don't make you happy. Love should not be a drain on your energy and feeling, but a boost to your happiness and enjoyment.
• Do not push away people who are good for you. If someone tells you you can have only them, they are too jealous to care about your happiness. No one person can help you become the person you want to be.
• Do not rely on or trust in others if you don't need to. Find out how to do things yourself so what when others fail you can still carry on. It will help you gain an appreciation for kindness and keep you from feeling entitled to it.
• People do not owe you anything they have not agreed on.
• Irony is amazing. Come to appreciate it and you will go far in life.

Things I will not teach:

• Do what I say or (I'll spank you, you will be grounded, etc.).
• Everyone who believes differently from me is wrong.
• Everyone who believes differently from you is wrong.
• Ignore bullies and people you don't like. They will go away eventually.
• You can't have boy/girl toys.
• You can't wear boy/girl clothes.
• You need to man up.
• You need to show your feminine side.
• Respect the law [because it's the law].
• Support a person even if what they do is horrible so long as they are carrying a license.
• Don't talk back.
• I am very angry with you. (I intend to not get angry at any children who don't know better.)
• {View} is wrong.
• Someone else will take care those who do bad things. Leave it to them.
• You should be more outgoing.
• You have no reason to be depressed.

 

Best ideas I can think of generally revolve around teaching balance between things. Teach authority and responsibility along with freedom and carefreeness. Show the strength of fists along with the wisdom of mind. Look down AND up in the world. Respect the intentions of laws and not always the letter of the law. Understand that hate and love are siblings, uncontrollable and dangerous yet intense and life changing. Debate before fights, but be ready for both.

It's hard to know, since I think i'm more up for showing then telling, teaching by example I hope.
And honestly, none of us will be able to make our kids perfect or to our expectations. They'll become Christians or atheists, be gay or straight, reject or accept your lifestyle. In these unexpected, uncontrollable ways, they teach us more about ourselves then we can believe they do.

 

I remember having a conversation about that with you. You snapped at me for staying on the fence. As nice as it looked on paper it seemed highly impractical to me. Well I' m now an uncle. My sis didn' t want to resort to physical coertion either, and she held on pretty long, but she changed her tune eventually. Around the time her son reached that age when kids systematically disobey just to test your limits.

I don' t have any big plans myself, I' m pretty sure my kids would ruin them anyway. I just hope I' d be less distant than my parents were, which is doubtful since I' m my father carbon copy.

 

Children will test boundaries. I won't contest that. But there are other ways. Punishments I might resort to are things like withholding meals, not doing favors, not buying things, and refusing entry to my living space. I won't outright restrict or lash out against their behavior. I don't want them to think of that as a point to be respected. I want them to respect the people they want things from, because those people do not have to give it to them. In my experience this is even more effective than immediate lashings.

Still have a problem?

 

That is all meaningless to them at such a young age. They live in the now, and right now they' re not expecting anything from you other than to let them have their way. My nephew wouldn' t mind letting himself starve to death, he' s actually doing just that whenever the meal doesn' t suit his whims, so quite often. Both his parents and the police would beg to differ. One of my cousins used to bang his head against the marble floor up until his parents would give up. If you expect decent reasoning skills from babies you' re in for a surprise is all I' m saying.

Dude, no problem here. If that' s what you intend to do by all means try it. My sis still avoids it, but sometimes she just doesn' t have the time to bargain or make up a diversion.

 

Natural selection has a part to play here.

Babies are one thing. I will force feed them if necessary. I will stop them from doing things that are dangerous.

My problem starts when I am relying on them remembering the pain and using it as a reason not to do it in the future.[DOUBLEPOST=1401848640][/DOUBLEPOST]Sorry for being defensive. I have been called out too many times for my views on this. Gotten used to it.

 

A major concern about being a parent, for me, is raising bad kids. Now I know that's obviously subjective but parenting is extreme complicated and there's no absolute right way to do it. So at 19 & with no children, I really can't answer, or presume to answer, this question. That said, I took a class in ethics & morality this past semester and for part of it we looked at how children learn right from wrong. Overwhelmingly, children learned by example rather than by lecture; the parents' values were, in many cases, unimportant to the children's development. Therefore, I think the best way to "teach" your children is to be a moral character yourself -- and they will likely follow. The study also said that one should encourage good behavior from the child through praise of their character rather than through some kind of reward or praising the act:

By the same coin, if a child does something wrong, they learn best when guilted rather than shamed:

Now obviously one can't base their entire parenting philosophy off of one New York Times article, even if it does quote a number of studies. But to me, the findings seem rather intuitive -- I believe strongly that my mother raised my sisters and myself very well despite some rather notable obstacles. She is a single parent and we have always struggled financially; she had to work long hours so I would often only see her in the mornings and after work. Even so, at a very early age I feel I had a good sense of right and wrong and rarely acted out. I've often looked at her parenting in my early childhood as rather harsh, but I've come to appreciate that in hindsight. While I'm unsure if I would be able to be as harsh with my own children, I do think it's important to not go too easy on them as well.

In terms of punishment, I'm very undecided. The pacifist in me wants to say that physical punishment is never right, but I was spanked as a child for acting out and I still consider my mother a good parent. Other forms of punishment usually seem rather cruel and, in some cases, ineffective. Something to think on, I suppose.

 

I disagree with this one, as far as punishments go I think it unnecessarily cruel and more or less useless. Forcing a child to go hungry will not make them submissive (which is not the sort of response a parent should hope to incite anyways), in most cases it will simply inspire volatile/angry ill-tempered behavior. The child will not learn anything from it, therefore it is an unproductive measure. They'd just throw a tantrum.

I believe children aren't very unlike dogs in this case. The alpha/beta/omega dynamic circulated by "renowned" trainers like Cesar Millan is outdated. You don't train a dog by asserting your authority and punishing poor behavior, it's far more effective to encourage good behavior by serving them treats when they perform adequately and ignoring them otherwise.

I know this is more or less what you were arguing for, but as a child that often starved themselves independent of parental supervision I hold a special distaste for the "no dinner" tactic.

 

I will keep that in mind.

I believe that treating the children like adults is the best way to get them to learn, but maybe you are right about this one.

 

It' s also plain unhealthy. Not just regarding their immediate mood and stamina, having meals and naps at regular hours regulates their biological clock (which impacts their brain development and their overall mood).

You' d better pinpoint the one part of the meal he likes the most and hold that hostage. That' s what my sis does to get hers to finish his plates. "After you' ve finished" doesn' t work though, too far in the uncertain future. Gotta keep that carrot dangling in sight, so he ends up alterning with a bite of each. I don' t even wanna know what chocolate and mashed potatoes taste like together. xD

 

Jumping on the band wagon of ripping apart Makaze's statement, one of the worst things for a child's mental and physical development is an unhealthy diet or lack thereof. A number of sociological studies argued that the reason middle class children are, on average, better in education than the lower class is based around the better lifestyle of their parents, which includes dietary needs and general health care. It's detrimental to restrict any food unless it's for an optimum diet.

Positive and negative reinforcement through conditioning are both proven as effective means to mould early behaviour development. It all comes down to our ancestral and instinctual need to separate good from bad. I don't mean morally, but what is beneficial and what is damaging. Milgram's obedience theory of following the commands of a superior actually disputes the idea of positive reinforcement, where simply having the feared authority position means people listen to you. Worked for Nazi controlled Germany. Though I suppose i'm going a bit too grandiose when we're talking about kids, still I think it applicable to any human.

 

I got the point on refusing food a few posts ago, heh.

I think the principle behind my post shines through even if the methods that came to mind don't fit.

 

I think most of the things I will teach them will be about equality and to accept everyone even the opinions you don't agree with, as long as you respect other people despite their beliefs then you're fine. People will think differently to you and that's okay, in fact that's fantastic- find those people and discover the differences in the world, experience everything that you want to and get stuck in, don't let the consequences of failure or embarrassment stop you from enjoying yourself.

If you find something you like then don't let anyone take that away from you or belittle it, it's importance to find joy in the small things in life. I have come across people who would belittle trivial things that make me happy and it makes me feel so sad because these things are so important to me and they don't understand so they crush it.

Positive thinking, finding the best in people because people will either think themselves a failure or be a bully and it could help both you and them massively if you help them see their own positive traits.

Stand up for what you think, your opinion is just as valid as the next persons but, at the same time, your opinion is not more valued than theirs.

You are not stupid, a failure, ugly or anything like that- society pushes these views on you and gives you measurements to live up to that may not be on the same wavelength as your talents. Find your talents and be proud of them.

And of course: follow your dreams. Dream big and be happy.

 

1. You can always come to me for anything. While I don't wish to be a friend to my kid, I want them to trust me enough to come to me when they need help. This can be from dealing with a bully at school, doing something that they want to do, or just aren't feeling well. Honesty and trust is a two way street in my book.

2. Be proud of what you do, and I'll be rooting for you. One thing that bugged me growing up was that my family wasn't always there for me when I was doing soemthing that wasn't sports related. And it sucked. I don't want my kids to go through that. Let it be they want to go to an anime convention or take up knitting, as long as it's something they take pride in, I'll support them. And even though I do not care for sports, if my kid wants to join a baseball team, I'lll be there in the stands cheering for them.

3. Don't allow people to ever look down on you. This one is specifically for when I have a kid that gets my bad genes and grows up with heart disease. You're different, you're special, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's okay to be upset, but dont' let it define you. You're still a person, and you can do anything. There are great people out there who've been in your position and done extraordinary things. So don't allow others to have that "poor baby" mentality about you and be proud of who you are.

4. Swearing is okay in the house. The thing about swearing is that it seems like so much fun because it's forbidden when you're a kid. If you take that "forbidden" element out of it, it means nothing. Now I can't have my kid blurt out "that ******* hit me" when we're in public, or else people will get the wrong idea. There has to be some rules about it. So as long as they're at home, and you're around people who don't mind it, swear away!

 

I like this one. I think you can turn it into a bigger lesson: "Be courteous to others: Learn what's acceptable and comfortable for them and oblige if you can." And to apply what Misty said, you could teach it by practicing it in public settings, treating those you speak to with the utmost respect.

 

Exactly. Kids are young, but they're not stupid, and they'll know when an adult is BSing them (or at least my kids will). While they're not adults to who you can talk to however you like, it's important to talk on their level so they feel equal.