Enough

well i was attempting to write a poem and i came up with this i don't think its very good but i don't know what do you think?

Enough

I sit in my room as
I hear the screaming
begin.
I listen to my ipod
raising the volume
knowing I won't
win.
I hear the glass break
and rush to the door
Just in time to see a knife on the
floor.
I rush to my
mom's side pleading
her to speak
as my dad
tries to pull me away
telling me to not
freak.
I free myself from
his grip to get the
cell phone.
I dial 911
and tell them to
hurry as I hear
someone moan.
I rush back to my mom
only to see my dad dead
beside her.
I fall to my knees and I feel
the pain in my heart burn.
It is hard to believe
that in a flash both of my
parents are gone.
Something is buzzing in my
hand and i look down to see
the phone.
I ignore the call
because nothing can be more
important than this.
I grab a piece of glass
and I try to cut my vein
but miss.
Instead I have made a
long gash next to my
wrist.
I cry in dispair and continue
to cut myself because
I just can't resist.
The pain of my wounds
is nothing compared
to the pain of my
loss.
The police arrive
and take me to their
boss.
The boss takes the
piece of glass away
and sends me to a
nurse.
I go to the nurse
knowing that life
is a curse.
Three days later
I am with a shrink
who I really
hate.
She is upset because
I have arrived
late.
I tell her that
she can't help
because I am mentally
dead.
She writes some notes
down and nods
her head.
I get up and without
a word I leave.
Conclustion to My life:
I'm alone and dead. Day and Night I walk around
seeking physical death, something I will never get.
I continue to cut myself because i have no life and
no family. I'm forever waiting the day to serve the
same fate as my parents. But while i'm confined in
these white walls no matter what I do it won't be
enough...


​

 

It's pretty good, but this would be better as a story IMO.

In some parts it's not very clear. Like, where did the glass come from? and how did his/her parent's die? Was there like a break-in?

 

yeah thats what i was thinking i'm planning on changing it and member she heard the glass break and well her dad killed her mom and then himself i'm kinda creeped out cuz i can't relate to this at all and its like the first thing i wrote after not writing 4 like ever

 

i like this one, but i think that the structure is kind of confusing and i agree that this would make an interesting story

 

its really good!=D

 

thanks i'm glad you all think its good but i agree with those who think i should make it into a story i might if not i'll just leave it cuz i don't like that this is the first thing i wrote as a "poem" after taking a vacation

 

VB that is so, I can't think of a way to put it other than intense.

A very dark piece of writing but I really liked it. I do think there was a little bit of a forced feeling to the flow in places, but that is countered by the deep emotion that is shown.

I don't know why you were so worried xD​

 

eh.. not rly worried more like creeped out cuz like u put it its a dark piece of writing and i don't do dark i do more sad and depressed