Heyy! This is my frist Fan-Made Story on KHV, but not my first in my life. I used to have a FanFiction, but I just 'died' on there...I made this story out of boredom, and I wanted to make one about Roxas and him turning from a boy to a man. Or guy or something close to that. XD But please, comment so I can my thoughts of making a second chapter. Chapter One: Scharacters (scare·ct·ers) The moon shown brightly over the streets of Central Square of The World That Never Was. Roxas stepped into the moonlight, from an alley, with both keyblades summoned. There were over thirty-five different heartless, with even more to count of each. Roxas smirked sickly, and swung Oblivion into a shadow. There were only a couple left after minutes of swinging and twirling. Suddenly there was banging like chimming, ringging throughout the Square. Roxas turned slowly, towards the sound. It was the clock-tower, reading exactly twelve AM. He sighed tiredly, and swiftly turned back to his practice. He blinked, confused, from the darkness being empty. Have the Heartless suddenly given up? But they wouldn't do that...Roxas thought to himself, as he tried to pear into the shear shadow of the city's alley opening. Suddenly, there was a light tap of foot touching ground from behind, as Roxas looked that way. There was a pale boy, about Roxas's age, wearing dark clothing. He wasn't part of the Organization, and Roxas knew that for sure. The boy just glared with golden eyes, at Roxas's keyblades. Roxas tried to look at his other features, but as soon as he moved an inch, the boy crouched, as if to spring like a cat with a moth. Roxas moved back some, and suddenly, the boy sprang towards him. Roxas imediatly blocked, and tried to strike. But Roxas let his gaurd down, and he was hit. He was hit on the shoulder, and was wounded baddly. He needed to get help, but he was caught in a fight. He swung his key blade with his good arm, and missed. The boy was in the air now, and was showing pointy-white teeth. Roxas was on the floor in seconds, and was knocked out. All he heard was a rip, and crack. Then silence. · · ·"Roxas? Roxas?" a sweet voice asked, with a hint of concern. Roxas recognized the voice imediatly. It was Naminé, and he predicted that she was close. He opened his eyes then, and saw Naminé, only inches from his face. He noticed that her face smears of blood on the cheeks, and her white dress was stained with brownish-reddish colors. Roxas suddenly squinted at the brightness of light, and noticed that he was in the White Room. He sighed slightly, and started to sit up. He was sore, but he has been in worse conditions. He was up after a few grunts, and Naminé was at his side at every moment. "What happened?" Roxas asked, rubbing his head in agony. He felt as if he was thrown down a building and dragged all the way back up the stairs. Naminé shrugged, and sat on the bed with him. "I was hoping you would tell us." She said sweetly, with releif that he was alright. She smiled at him, even though she should be crying for his pain. Roxas looked at the floor, deep in thought, thinking about what happened last night. "All I remember is the boy attacking me, and I wasn't able to do anything about it. He jumped on me, and then just blackness." Roxas mumbled, as there was a knock on the door. It was Axel, with a plate of grilled cheese on it. "I thought you might want this. With you being all hurt and all." Axel said, scratching the back of his head. He walked in, and handed Roxas the plate. He then leaned against the table, to get a better look at him. "Did you get paler, Roxas? You look like you need a tan. And your eyes, are you wearing contacts?" Axel said, bending everywhich way to get a better look. Roxas shook his head, and put the plate on the table. He was tired, and he wasn't feeling himself. He wanted to suddenly be in darkness, and have something to drink. His throat was burning like wild fire. "Can I have some water or something?" Roxas asked, grabbing his throat. Naminé nodded quickly, and strode out of the room. Axel then went serious, and looked at Roxas in the eye. "Where were you last night, Roxas? You wern't here with Naminé like you normally are." Axel said leaning in towards Roxas's face. Roxas leaned back, as Axel went forward. "I was at The World The Never Was. Why?" Roxas said, looking clueless. "Axel then leaned back suddenly, like Roxas had cooties. "When? And Why?" Axel said, astonished. "Uh, around twelve in the morning. I was trying to see how good I would be in the dark." Roxas responded, still clueless. Axel then pushed him against the wall, and Axel pinned him, so that he couldn't get away. He avoided Roxas's right shoulder, so he wouldn't cause anymore damage. "Don't you know that anything could be out there when it strokes twleve AM? That's why none of the Organization members are there. Trust me, I would be there. Anything could've gotten to you. Like I dunno. You look like you have a pretty good bite on your shoulder. What were you thinking? I'm going to have to bring you to DiZ. He would know." Axel said, paniced. Roxas remained silent, and pushed Axel away. Seconds after, Naminé came in, with a wine glass of water in one hand, and a pill in the other. "For your arm. It'll take the pain off for a while. And probably the headache you have." Naminé said, giving him the pill first. Roxas took it, and chugged the water. He then looked over at Axel. "So we're going to DiZ, right?" Roxas asked, grabbing Naminé's hand. Naminé squeezed his hand, as Axel responded to a yes. Naminé then waved her other hand, and a portal appeared. "Are you ready?" Naminé asked Roxas, looking over with lightness in her moving. Roxas sighed, as he knew what he was going to find out wasn't going to be good. He nodded, as Roxas and Naminé stepped through the portal. Axel stepped in after. ------------------------- So what did you think? Comment and tell me what you thought. Please, don't be shy! ;D
Okay... CnC Time :] I really like this idea that you came up with, it is a great story, and you're doing so much better than i did when i first started. Your description is good, and the fast reaction scenes are also placed greatly. A good way to make your story seem more basic to the 5 senses, is place yourself in that situation, imagine what you would hear, see taste, touch and hear... Usually, it's raining in TWTNW Here's an example. That's only something from the top of my head.. Also, your doing your story from a Second person point of view, which is most common in fanfiction... I'm just suggesting that if you tried first person, you'd be able to get more information from the leading character. Such as more thinking, what they're feeling, and etc.. I quoted your story and bold the spelling errors and bold and italicized the grammar mistakes.. Great Job on the fan-fiction though. I wished someone gave me as much CnC as I'm giving you <3 I can't wait to read the next part ;]
Hmm, well it's good for your first fanfic here.. but a few things. Cut the paragraphs down a little. Big paragraphs look daunted and aren't very attractive to read. Also what Cupcake said, try and use more description, involving the five senses. It's mostly action in what you just wrote and mixing in description makes it much better. And I'd advise starting new paragraphs everytime someone new speaks. Dialogue is smoother to read like that, and the reader won't get confused about who is talking. But overall a good effort, just mind your spelling, and I hope you continue writing this, it's been a while since I found a promising writer. <3
Wow, I really like it. And like ObsessedWithSora (hi!) said, cut the paragraphs down. Remember, 6-8 sentences. But i can understand, because i hatehatehate the paragraph rule. In all my little stories that I write, I just use one big one until it comes to dialogue. That's also when to start a new one.
