Author:Well me, duh Genre: Hodge-podge of fantasy, drama, psychological, horror, thriller and sci-fi Good traits: It is written by that nice person Styx Flaws: It's too long (17 chapters), it's boring, it's confusing, it has too many characters, and that nice person Styx is not a native English speaker. Other notes: Must warn for explicit content. No really. Dismal isn't for the little ones. ================================================ Gondola Drifting Look back Twist your neck Until it snaps See the murderer's cathedral Drifting Past it Can you smell it? The black bile Wherein we're drifting Further away Luckily nobody's Evil enough to play music Yet While we contine drifting Every minute Of every day Until the gondola sinks How should I swim in this? Who can teach me? I don't know how I should be Drifting Past the floodgates Straight to hell Is this still drifting? Behold, our gondola returned And brought along some screams Are we there yet? C1: Carpet ========= "Send in your skeletons. Sing as their bones come marching in." Foo Fighters (The Pretender) It was a real place after all. The Outerhold. He could guess why the semblace of myth was being kept up. Although he couldn't help but wonder if anyone would have actually cared about people like him, and who else could have given the world such a scare that they had been sent here. He would find out soon enough, and he wasn't in a hurry... "Seiryu Raiamma?", a man with a clipboard asked. The boy answered affirmatively. "Passed the detectors...Went to the mana extractors...Alright then: last check-up before the definite designation! Momunofu! Momotaro!", the man commanded. The two heavy goons who had flanked the man up till then positioned themselves next to Seiryu and and started to body-search him. He didn't understand; he had to change into his prison garb half an hour ago. What was the point? "Squeeze his arms. He could've sewn a knife underneath them." Seiryu wondered if anyone had ever been crazy enough to do that, but even if that were the case; (s)he would have not succeeded. The absurdity of this final "check-up" was suitable ammunition for mockery. And Seiryu liked a good laugh. Anywhere but here at least. Hence his face insisted on the expressionless state it had maintained since he got here. "Tongue.", the chief of inspection ordered. The young man obeyed and a thin metal rod probed deep into his throat. The new prisoner wretched and coughed. "Nothing in there either." A coercing "Take off your pants!" announced the most embarrasing part of the inspection (according to Clipboard, it is possible to hide a weapon in every hole of the human body). "Approved.", he concluded. He was brought to sector 7, the place he'd be forced to call "home" for the rest of his life. As slowly as the guards (the same chunks of beef from before) allowed him to, Seiryu strolled across the hallway. To his left Seiryu saw a man sitting in the corner of his cell, his face hidden between his knees. Was he sleeping, crying or going crazy? Who knew? The newbie glanced at every cell. A pale haggard woman and a man with gray stubbles glanced right back, and Seiryu knew that they wouldn't stop staring until he was out of their line of sight? What else was there to do? Seiryu was eventually thrown in a cell next to a woman's, a girl who had probably looked mannequinesquely beautiful in her civillian days. The cell straight across his kept a robust-looking man with a cubical head. That's where his cell was. A cell in the Outerhold, where rights nor laws existed, where living was obligatory instead of allowed.
I havent read the story, sorry, but I think you should take in note that this is a PG13 site and can contain no explicit stuff :3
I see. Thanks for informing me on that! Well, this is quite a violent and explicit story so it might be safer to just have it locked. I think I have another story somewhere with less gore in it.
Exploring his cell took five seconds at most. A board to sleep on was its only feature. The floor was uneven, the walls were moist and cold. Seiryu initiated the first of a long-running series of thoughts on how it had ever been possible to come this far...Ideas which used to seem like utter folly, such as an escape attempt in the middle of his trial, seemed like reasonable options now. He threw his arms into his neck and started walking around in circles in his cell. Suddenly it occured to him; the Cubehead on the other side of the hallway had been staring at him the entire time. It reminded him of animals in a zoo, who gaze with mutual astonishment at the creatures on the other side of the cage. When their glances eventually crossed, the muscular voyeur greeted him: "Hey there." His voice was gruff and sounded like a dog's growling. "Yo.", Seiryu greeted back. First silence. No suprises there. What is there to say to a person who has just exchanged his freedom for a lifetime of misery? "So, erm...Well, you know...Ahum. My name's Barco Di Ulmani.", he introduced himself. When hearing his last name Seiryu wondered what continent he hailed frrom. "Seiryu Raiamma." Seiryu said as little as possible. The more questions the other person had to ask, the longer the conversation would take, and the later boredom would set in. A childish take on the perhaps equally childish it's-all-in-the-little-things philosophy, but it could only do good. Getting acquainted is a mathematical process, in imprisonment as it is in freedom. "Hmmm, I see. New-Asia?" Seiryu nodded. "Really? Great!", the man said genially. Seiryu completely revised his first impression on the bloke, but understanding his enthusiasm was out of the question. New-Asia was only a continent like any other... "Then you speak Japanese, right?", Barco asked enthusiastically. Seiryu nodded again. He demonstrated by outing a few proverbs in Japanese while picturing a human colossus frisking around in his cell like a five-year-old. "Will you teach me then? Please!" Seiryu understood. Learning and teaching would be a complete waste of time, and in the Outerhold that was a good thing. He should consider himself lucky: he had found a hobby on his very first day. "Heh. Pardon the abruptness. You see, I used to be an interpreter in my citizen days. English, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Orbish and tidbits of Exo-Chinese. I was present at some of the most influential meetings of Kalliope!" "Good for you.", Seiryu congratulated. He was genuinely interested but heard Barco's introduction as if it were a pile of bad news. He couldn't help it but didn't really know why. Maybe he liked Barco better when he was still crazy. "Oh please...The guy just got here. The last thing he needs is you bragging about your job!", a woman's voice to Seiryu's left reproached. "I'm trying to have a conversation here, Madison! Keep out of it!" He turned to Seiryu and said: "Don't mind her. She can be really nice when she wants to.", though Barco didn't bother to hide the irony. "Hey, you know what? I'll introduce you to a friend of mine when the sectors gather for eating. We go way back, see?" "So we get food here?", Seiryu asked pleasantly suprised. "It ain't good, it ain't healthy, but I stuff it in my trap with pleasure!", Barco answered winking. Seiryu laughed. Barco was a good one.
You may not be a native speaker but your spelling and grammar are better than most native speakers'. I question some usage and stylistic decisions you make but there is in my opinion nothing actually wrong with any of the things that bother me. That said I think this needs some work, but it's a lot better off than it could be. So, try to keep your words straight as possible, you know, if something that gives you pause a dictionary is your friend dictionary.com is not. Nothing really egregious, so good work, I suppose.
Thanks for your reply. To anyone reading this: be ready for a long chunk of text. I tried to cut it to size, but I can't make it much shorter than this without ditching important material. The conversation here will seem a bit...unnatural but it's mainly for introduction purposes. Thank you for pushing through. ============ Seiryu had just experienced his first night in the Outerhold. It was...bad, but not bad enough to complain about it yet. Suprisingly, the Outerhold was familiar with the term "breakfast". This was purely for pragmatical reasons: due to them taking turns washing up there was less security available in the morning, hence they stuff all the prisoners in one room to keep an eye them efficiently. "The other guards are mostly standing up there.", Barco said and he gave a nod upwards. On a railing high in the large room, Outerhold personnel was patroling back and forth. They were all carrying a sniper rifle or other weapon of precision, and they could probably count on their magic as well. "Do they shoot to kill?", Seiryu asked while standing in line for food. "If only that were the case...They open fire on you until you're cripple enough to be completely harmless. Then the lieutenants of your sector decide over your fate." To clarify what he just said, Barco added: "You'll meet ours soon enough. Our lieutenant, I mean." Seiryu tried to be optimistic and think about the fact that they at least got food, but that proved to be difficult. "Heya.", a voice suddenly greeted. A blond man with a fringe of beard went to sit across Barco. He had only brought a glass of water with him, apparently. "Morning, Salvador.", Barco welcomed. The guy named Salvador gave Seiryu an intrigued look: "A newbie?" "Yup. Seiryu, this is the friend I told you about." "The name's Salvador Meguerichez. Nice to meet you.", he said. "Seiryu Raiamma. And the pleasure's all mine.", Seiryu replied politely. While they shook hands Seiryu noticed tiny wounds on some of Salvador's fingers. He thought about how that could have many causes in the Outerhold and didn't pay much attention to them. Instead he asked: "Uhm...Didn't you go get a food tray?" "I don't get one. Even if I'd go they'd refuse to give me one. It's been like this for a week. Maybe they're just trying to make me starve to death." The man was suprisingly apathetic. Despite Salvadors I-couldn't-care-less attitude, Seiryu decided to help him. "Then take some of mine. I haven't been here for very long; I haven't been hungry yet." Salvador chuckled and declined the offer a couple of times, but Seiryu insisted. "Thanks. You're a good one." "Just a moment. Let me check..." Barco turned his face towards the high railing and scanned the guards. "Chavez...Hazuma...Momunofu...Kirev...Okay, Kruger isn't among them." Seiryu frowned and hoped that that was enough to make them understand that he needed an explanation for all that. "A talented crossbow specialist. He'd nail your hand to your table if he spots something out of the ordinary.", Barco answered thoughtfully. "Hasn't he learned about the lieutenants then?", Salvador asked. Barco shook his head. "Allow me then.", and he took a pull of water. Salvador looked at the table for Outerhold personnel and gestured to Seiryu that he should do the same. The newbie was all ears... "Kruger Hoveling is Sector 1's lieutenant, and he's often part of the snipers too. If you can see him; it's the guy who dons a ton of hair gel. He's young but he's a veteran. He'll leave you alone as long as you don't make a complete ass out of yourself. If you he'll take you on an excursion to the torture chambers though. Seiryu saw him, eating a sandwich while his crossbow rested against his chair. "Speaking of veterans...Sector 2 has one of those too, though you're not half lucky with him. Quinten York has been here longer than any of the other guards, longer than the Big Cheese even. He even married another guard right here in the Outerhold! Anyway, Quinten is the bloke with the bandana. He's one to fear. Rumour has it that he helps designing the majority of the torture devices in here. "Sick mind...", Seiryu whispered. He tried to find Quinten. The veteran was tall and muscular and was chilling with his combat boots on the guards' table, talking to Kruger. "Since I'm dealing with them in order of sector I might as well continue on that track...The lieutenant of Sector 3 is Paraxea Topaz. It's the gal with her blue-ish dyed hair; you can't miss. I don't understand why she'd do that by the way. Does she hope to pick up a guy here? Well, she's said to be a mean ***** so I guess this is the place for her." Seiryu had indeed no trouble finding her. She was very young, perhaps younger than Seiryu even. The girl had her eyed wrenched tightly in the direction of the prisoners' tables. "Then we're off to Sector 4, which means good news at last! Imeyuchi Nezuke keeps eveything in shape there, and to be honest she's doing a fine job with that. She's strict but just, and that's a rarity over here. Unfortunately...Sector 4 isn't my own.", he complained. The tour was paused briefly. Salvador was staring at his glass of water, and Barco at his mate. Seiryu didn't get all that and tried to find Imeyuchi. He spotted an elderly woman with long gray hair and a sheath strapped to her uniform that looked like a katana's. He couldn't see what she was doing. "Is it the gray one with the long hair?", Seiryu asked after noticing another, much fatter gray-haired lady next to her. She was nipping for a cup of tea and looked like your average granny. "Yeah, that's her. The other one's just some old hag, named Zuuk Bandovere. She never takes up her post in the hallways and we only see her at the lunch table. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad one. She's the lieutenant of Sector 5 but don't ask me how she got that post." It was silent for a while again. Seiryu took another peek at the guards' table and saw two more unfamilar faces. A small bald man with round glasses who was solving a word puzzle and and a guy wearing sunglasses who apparently just returned from washing up. One of them had to be his own lieutenant, although Seiryu could have sworn that there were 8 sectors alltogether... "Anyway; Sector 6. The Head Of General Misery over there is called Brynn Foxer. It's the guy with sunglasses. I hate him with a passion. He's got nothing to do with me, but I hate him." "Why? What's the matter with him?", Seiryu wondered. It was Barco who answered him: "Brynn frequently rapes female prisoners. He doesn't bother keeping it a secret of even finding a reason for it either. Nowadays he lusts after Coalie Ebeneezer from his own sector, but in reality anyone clad in orange and having XX-chromosomes is a potential victim..." It took Barco some effort finishing those phrases. Seiryu's sector mate was, despite his appearance, a sensitive soul. "But on the other hand, Sector 7's lieutenant is a great chap, ain't he?", Salvador said, partly to console and partly to inform. "Hmm-hmm, yes. I'll take this one. Won Gui Yo's a good man. No torments, no intimidation, no nothing. Very reasonable. It's just...He's lacking in the authority department so he has to bring two assistants with him, and they are real jerks..." "Momunofu and Momotaro?" "Oh, you've heard of them?" "Weren't there 8 sectors here?", Seiryu asked eventually. Nobody responded. As if the question had to get to them first... "Hey, weren't there-"? "Yeah, yeah, I was getting to that. Sector 8 is mine by the way, and still somewhat new. The Outerhold bigwig didn't find a capable lieutenant to run it anymore so we have the sad honor of having a lieutenant that owns this entire hellhole." Seiryu was curious about how that person would look like, but didn't find anyone else who wasn't named and described by Salvador yet. "I don't see anyone else among the jailers." "Later.", Salvador said. "Paperwork and stuff, often runs late." Seiryu was feeling uneasy and nervous without knowing why. The strangest thing was that Barco and Salvador appeared to have that exact same feeling even though they might have seen the big boss millions of times already. Salvador had put a full stop behind his presentation. No name, no description. No food. Not even hate to feed on. Only a glass of water being filled with terror sweat. Like an arrow shot through his head by Kruger Hoveling a realisation, or even revelation, snuck into his mind. The Outerhold's iron hand has been among them all this time. Not between the snipers or guards or even within these four walls. But within every seam and crack that had been formed in the heads, in the resilience of the convicts. This particular individual had the ability of nesting in every breaking point, and expanding it. The host was left shattered and the perfume of their panic diffused across the entire Outerhold. A door opened. A man-sized behemoth was unleashed and threw itself on the poor prisoners. Seiryu could smell its breath, its attempt to nest in his breaking points, its perfume.
Haven't commented recently, but this is fairly good. I only notice grammatical errors and I won't nit pick since you apparently aren't a native English speaker.
well....i've read thus far.....certainly not PG-13...but, its good read. i have a feeling this is going to get even darker....
