Destiny: a story UPDATE: (5-28-09) You know, what I changed my mind (again) and this time i'm going to keep it this way. It WILL be a vampire story, and I don't care what you say. If you've read this story before I changed it back and loved my characters as much as I have, please continue reading. If your are sick of vampire stories, please don't post in here about my story being a bad idea, I know it's over used. Again, these are based off real life vampires, not the fictional kind. *** Destiny: A Vampire story Chapter One: My name is David Khells, i'm named after the father died with my mother in a tragic house fire. The fire fighter that rescured me said that I was lucky to even be alive. To me however, it wasn't luck but some kind of fate that I survived that night. After my parents death I was put into foster care.I traveled to many families around the Las Cruces, New Mexico area; sometimes I got as far as Alberqurqe on my travels. Growning up in different homes every few months started to take affect on me once I started my teenage years. I grew up with so many different kids and "parents" I decided to stop counting at age eleven. There was one family that I would always remeber, the Mathews. I met Elliot and Penelope Mathews when I was thirteen years old. Penelope seemed like your typical housewife while Elliot would work during the day as realtor. I remebered that Elliot would have different hobbies he'd be obsessed with before he got to bored with them. One thing I rather enjoyed about them was they allowed me to be independent and do anything that I wanted-as long as I didn't break the law of course. After many other moves to different families, I discovered that I would live with the Mathews again. It was still the summer vacation before I began my junior year of high school. I enjoyed the thought of a reunion with these two parent-figures. On a warm Friday morning, I got into the car that would take me to my new home. They were still living in a one story house a little on the outskirts of Las Cruces. There were a total of six bedrooms-including the master bedroom-and one public restroom/shower. The woman who was like a mother to me, Penelope Mathews, waved at me once the car pulled into the driveway.Penelope had long red hair, she was tanner than I remembered, but she did keep her old perky attitude. She told me that her husband had begun another one of his obsessions; this time it was fishing. She gave me a tour of the house, showing me all the new things they bought since I left three years ago. One big change that I noticed was they were able to afford a pool, which was covered out back. Running from the back door were two boys; one that looked my age and very slender; the other boy was slightly shorter and younger than the other boy but had more wieght. The two looked as if they'd have a water balloon fight. I suddenly felt like I was going to be the mature on in this "family." "Let me introduce you both to David," Penelope said in her sunny tone. "These two are Ken Jacobs and Chuck Laz." She first pointed to the younger boy, then to the older one. "Boys, this here is David, he's an old friend of mine." Penelope then walked away in the opposite direction. "Nice to meet you David," Chuck said to me. "I just turned fifteen and Ken here is thirteen." I went to shake both of their hands. "How old are you?" If I wanted to stay here for any period of time, i'd have to play nice with the people who lived here."I'm also fifteen," I told the two of them. "I'm going to turn sixteen in August." "Wow, a whole month away," Ken commented. "Let's hope we're all here that long." I could tell by Ken's attitude that he was more of a follewer than a leader and Ken was his king. After having a quick snack and a glass of water I decided to finally put away my items. I was glad that they gave me my old room from when I was last here; the closest bedroom to the restroom/shower. When I entered my room,I looked out side the window and saw the spectacular view I had of the outside. It was close to sunset now-the driver wasted most of the day trying to find the house. We had one big tree in the backyard with many flowers that Penelope planted last year. I liked how the sunlight came through the leaves at this time of day. As soon as I finished unpacking I decided to see what Ken and Chuck were up to. After I closed the bedroom door, I noticed the door just across from mine was slightly open. To peak my curiosity, I knocked on the door and waited for some kind of a reasponce. In the back of my mind, I expected it to be one of the boys playing a prank on me. "Hello," Asked a feminine voice. I guessed that since I already interupted whatever she was doing, I might as well see what my new house-mate looks like. "Who's there?" "Hello," I said as I slowly opened the door. Inside the room was a slender, dark-haired girl with gothic clothing on. Most people would probably think she's weird from the way she was dreassing.She was wearing glasses when I walked in but then took them off once she was me. She started to stare at me, almost as if I was a piece by Da Vinci. If I wasn't afraid by her looks, it was her stare that got to me. "Oh," She smoothly said to me. "You must be the new kid." "Y-yeah; my name's David," I told her after I got out of my shock. After taking off her earphones that she had connected to a CD palyer, She got off her bed and went to go shake my hand. "Nice to meet you, My name's Selena Estrella," She softly said to me. I noticed the black book with a ribbon on the cover on the top of her bed. "I hope I didn't disturb you," I told her shyly. It finally came to me that none of her lights were turned on and her blinds were closed. "How can you read in the dark?" "I don't," Selena told me, almost laughing at me. She then pointed to the desk lamp right next to where she was sitting before I came into her room. "I turned it off when you knocked on the door." Suddenly, Penelope was walking down the hall. "David, Ken and Chuck said they were looking for you." She then noticed that I was talking to the gothic girl. "I see you've finally met Selena on your own." I then was comparing the two girls to eachother. Penelope had a very bubbly personality like the wives in old television shows while Selena had a very dark arura around her. "Yeah; it was nice to meet you David," Selena told me. "Same here, I guess i'll see you around," I stupidly said as she was closing the door. I could softly hear here laughing at what I said. I couldn't find the reason why I became so nervious when she came over to say hello to me... Both Ken and Chuck were in the living room playing one of their fighting games. Watching the two constantly try to out beat each other was halarious but Chuck always came out on top. As soon as Ken lost three times, I was able to sit in for a game while he relaxed on the couch. "I hear you met Selena," Ken told her. "Yeah, she seems... nice," I told them. "She's a weird chick dude," Chuck told me. I began to wonder if Chuck was really fifteen years old, he acted way too immature to even say his age with even the slightest bit of honor. "I heard her parents were killed when she was four. I've been around here since Febuary and she came in at the begining of March. She just always keeps to herself, reads books all alone in her room. She also doesn't talk to any of us; her greeting you was a big breakthrough." "At least he made a breakthrough with her; unlike you two," Penelope said with disgust towards the two boys. I gave up the video game and went to my own room until Penelope called us for dinner. I finally got to see Elliot for the first time in three years at the dinner table. He told us about the fishing trip in Anthony he was going to take us on tomorrow. Selena walked in and sat next to me once he finished telling us about what kind of fish there was in the lake. The nervious feelings around her came back when I tried to make small talk. The main dish was steak, my favorite dish to have for dinner. I couldn't help but notice Selena's steak was was cooked rarer than others; it looked like there was still blood on pieces of it.Just the thought of eating blood made me sick to my stomach. Chuck mouthed the word "weird", to which Penelope responded with a swift kick under the table. After dinner, I went to my room to relax and listen to the iPod I bought myself a few months ago. I quickly changed it to my favorite song and closed my eyes. I tried to remeber what my original mom looked like. I remebered she had black hair like me but that's all that would come to mind now. As the years went by, I slowly began to forget about what my birth parents looked like. I even forgot the true cause of the fire that took my family away from me. As soon as the song ended, I noticed the door was open and I noticed Selena sitting in the chair across from where I was lying. "Finally," She said almost sarcastically. "What are you doing here," I asked trying not to be rude. "Well you got to see my room earlier, so I decided to see what yours looked like," She told me. I saw her face as she slowly looked at the walls with posters of my favorite bands, slowly judging my taste in music. "What song were you just listening to, it looked as if you really enjoyed it. Can I hear it?" I willingly gave up my right earphone while she went to sit on the floor next to me and hit the playback button. She seemed to enjoy the song as much as I did. "So why don't you hang out with everyone," I asked her as soon as the song finished. "No one's really invites me to do anything," She slowly confessed to me. "How about you come with us on the fishing trip tomorrow," I asked her. "No thanks, I don't really like to fish," She admitted. "And who else is going to keep Penelope company during the day?" We both began to laughed. "YOu're right, then how about we walk by the rÃo sometime, or go to the mall the day after tomorrow?" I was planning on going anyway to buy some new shirts. I also felt this girl didn't have a life and wasn't widely accepted by everyone. I could feel that Penelope would try to include her but she seemed to secluded. "I'd like that," she said to me while she flashed me a small smile. She then handed me a book with the word Twilight on the cover. "I'll lend this to you." She then got up from the floor and headed to the door. "Good night David, see you in the morning." "Sweet Dreams Selena," I softly told her. I opened the book and read up to the end of the first chapter. I turned off my lights and slipped into a deep sleep. In my sleep I couldn't dream, but instead think about the day's events. I began to thinkabout the mysterious girl known as Selena Estrella. The image that kept reoccuring of her was the small smile she gave me with her black lips as she softly said "I'd like that". Chapter Two The next morning I woke up at around four-in-the-morning. After a quick change of clothes and the basic morning routine, I went to the kitchen to make a small bowl of cereal. I sat down in the living room with my breakfast in hand, and lightly turning on the television so I would not disturb anyone else. Selena woke up ten minutes later-wearing a red shirt and a pair of red pajama bottoms-and came to sit next to me with an orange in her hand. When I asked her if she had a good night, she just gave me a slight nod. Pretty soon everyone started to wake up one by one. I couldn't help but notice how the two boys stared at Selena, believing she was some kind of an alien. After the rest of the of the "family" finished thier breakfast, we were ready to leave for our fishing trip. Both Selena and Penelope walked us out to the car when we were fully loaded. "I'll see you later then," Selena said to me before I strapped myself into Elliot's van. The scenery at the lake was beautiful. It was a clear day so the relfection of the water was flawless. The leafy green trees moved smoothly as the summer winds flowed all around us. To me, it felt like the sun was shining harder that day, but no one else seemed to have the same feeling. A previous "fater" taught me how to cast a fishing pole before, so I was glad I had that small expierenc with me. The fish that were at the lake were not biting our bait sadly. At the end of the trip, each one of us caught only one fish. Most of time Ken was complaining about every small thing; but I was greatful because we got to leave earlier than expected. When we got home, I was surprised to see Selena reading her book in the living room instead of her secluded, dark bedroom. After I closed the door-being the last one inside-she looked away from the book for a moment and stared at me. I could hear Penelope skipping her way out of the kitchen to greet us. "Hey guys," Penelope said in her bubbly tone. "How was it by the lake?" "The fish didn't seem to want to bite today," Elliot told her as he walked to his office. Selena seemed like she wanted to move from the couch any time soon; which caused Ken and Chuck to play one of their games outside. Afraid of getting a sunburn, I set up a little spot on the floor next to Selena and continued the book she gave me. "Good to see you came back in one piece," She told me as I was sitting. "I could say the same," I joked. "How was it here with Penelope?" "It was...good," She told me. "Once you guys left, I asked her if she could show me how to bake something. You should of seen her face light up when I asked her, she was so excited." She softly laughed as she was telling me. "So what did you guys end up making," I asked her. In responce to my question, Selena closed her book and walked towards the kitchen. A few seconds later she was walking back with a folded piece of a torn paper towel in her hand. When she handed me the paper towel, I opened it which revealed a small round cookie. "Eat it," She instructed me. I began by taking only a small bite of the cookie. It was still warm and crunchy, but there was also an unexpected flavor that gave my taste buds a mild kick. The new flavor was something very familar to me but I couldn't trace it back to its name. "This is really good," I told her after taking another few bites. "These are incredible, what's in these cookies?" "Just your average cookie recipe, with a small amount of cinamon on them," She told me. The ninja kick on my taste buds suddnely made pefect sence. She then moved her face, blocking it with her long black beautiful hair. "Were you serious?" "About what Selena?" "About...going to the mall tomorrow...with me?" She then hid her face inside her small legs. "Of course I was; it won't be any fun without you around," I told her. Her personality suddenly lifted up again even if her face wouldn't show it to me. * * * It had been a full week since I first was welcomed into my new group home and met the interesting girl named Selena. After our afternoon at the mall, we started to hang out more and more; we already walked by the rÃo around the area twice during the and even lounged around by the pool on lazy afternoons. After dinner, we would go to my room and listen to some music from my iPod; take in each other's company. Tonight-a warm Saturday evening-Selena turned off the music in the middle of a slow rock song. I could tell she was already having trouble speaking to me for the past hour or two."David, can I ask you something?" "Of course," I told her. "What do you want to ask me?" "Well...these past few times we've hung out-just the two of us-felt like dates to me; so I was wondering if I could call you my boyfriend?" She made each word very open and clear and her tempo was slowing down, especially the final word. "Boyfriend." I never met a girl who I could connect with on so many levels the way she did, but would a relationship be the right step to take next? "Forget I asked David," She said with anger in her voice. She forced off her earphone and swiftly stood up. To stop her from walking away, I grabbed onto her wrist. "What is it David?" "You just caught me off guard,that's all," I told her. "Just give me a few moments to think." I felt the air change around us as she slowly sat down where she was only a few moments ago; awaiting for my answer. I had already made a decission-ever since I saw her beautiful smile my decission was made-I just didn't have a good way of saying it. I just decided to clear my head by taking one deep breath. "Have you decided," She whispered to me. "Yes I have," I whispered back to her. Words failed me now, but I had to let her know. "Yes, i'll be your boyfriend." Selena's suddenly started to cry as I gave her my answer. She was able to calm down after a few minutes and we continued talking to each other. After noticing what time it was, she got up and left to her bedroom. "Good night David," She softly said, almost about to cry tears-of-joy again. "Yeah, i'll se you later," I told her. About five minutes after Selena left my room, I heard someone starting to knock on my door. I wanted it to be Selena so we could just be with each other for a little while longer; but it was Penelope who opened the door. "Penelope, how are you?" "I'm doing good," She told me. She then gave me a huge smile. "So, what was your answer?" I was puzzled by her question-at least unti she pointed to the bedroom across from me. Penelope's curiosity in our personal lives did surprise me, even though she looked like a gossip in her younger days. "I told her yes," I confessed to her. "I'm so glad," She said to me. "You should've seen her face the day when we were making cookies for you. I even noticed how her face lights up when you enter a room or if someone even mentions your name." She then changed her happy tone into something more serious. "I'm happy for you two, but just take some advcice; remeber that you two are foster kids." She didn't need to go on with what she was saying. I truly wanted to get closer to Selena, but the odds of us of being together in one place until we're eighteen were not in our favor. The next time I would leave this place, it would slowly kill me on the inside. "I understand Penelope." I began to think into the near future. "Can we keep this between the three of us? The guys keep harrasing her all the time and i'm starting to get really sick of it!" "Well, maybe you shouldn't care what those two boys think at all," She told me. "Just be happy with who you're with, and ignore everyone else." I had a strange feeling that she had to go through the same thing with Elliot. I softly chucked. "You're always right Penelope." Chapter Three I couldn't beleive what was happening right now. For the first time in years, I actually started to dream again. I was walking down by the RÃo Grande on a dark night, and there was a full moon. I saw a girl sitting on the side of the river. As I slowly approched her, I began to recognize the woman. It was Selena, but she had red eyes instead of emerald and she was crying. I started to pat her back, hoping to sooth whatever was harming her. "Selena, are you alright," I asked her as I started to sit down. She then launched herself into my arms, but she wasn't trying to hug me. I was afraid because she was gripping my body, feeling almost like she knew I was going to run away. As I turned my neck, she was opening her mouth--revealing her own set of fangs--and bit my neck. For some reason it didn't hurt, but it actually felt good. As soon as she released my neck, she moved her hair from her neck; ready for me to take a bite. I quickly showed her my own set of fangs and bit her neck. The blood didn't taste awful like most people think, the blood was actually...appatizing. I suddnely woke up in my same room, four o'clock in the morning. I felt my neck to see if i had any scar from the bite, but there was nothing. It was only a dream, I said to myself. It knew it has been a week since Selena first asked me to be her boyfriend. I rushed out to the bathroom to clean myself up before I went out to eat some breakfast. I was surprised to see that Selena was sitting on the couch, eating an apple while staring at the television. I grabbed a few grapes and put them into a small red bowl before sitting down on the couch next to her. Without even looking at me, she slowly started to lean on my chest. I kissed the top ofher head, as I did many times before during the past week that we have been a couple. "Good Morning," She quietly told me. "Did you have an interesting dream?" I didn't want to tell her about the nightmare I had about her. She did have that gothic feel of a vampire but I could never believe it to be true. She was too sweet, to kind hearted; and she would never believe me. "I can't really remember, but I know you were in it." "Oh," She said. "Well, you were in my dream." "Really, what was it about," I eagerly asked her. "I'm not going to tell you," She told me. "At least not yet. How about we go for a walk?" I looked out the glass door and noticed that it was still dark outside, except for the crecent moon and the few stars we could see. It wasn't exactly bright enough for us to go walking, especially at this hour. "Man, can you beleive these late night television shows," Selena commented. I'm glad to see that she did notice what time it was. She then looked at me with her lovely emerald eyes. "So, do you want to go; I can go grab a flashlight from the closet." At least she knew what she was doing after all. "Okay, let's go down by the rÃo and see if we can find La LLorona." I was obliviously joking. "Yeah, that sounds like fun," She replied, but she didn't see it as a joke. If there was one thing I knew, no one messes with La LLorona, unless they wanted to dissappear. La LLorona is an old legend that everyone around here knew. It was about a woman who drowned her children in the RÃo Grande out of jeliously and later that day died by tripping on a rock, looking for her dead children. She now haunts the river, looking for her children; and all young boys and girl meet the same fate as her children if she gets her hands on them. She grabbed the flashlight from the closet and grabbed my hand as we walked down the driveway into the woods around our house. A small part of the river did reach the woods outside our house, which meant we did have a small chance of finding the frightening ghost. It felt as if she was dragging me through the woods, but I did keep up at my own pace. At one point, I jumped at a passing road runner and Selena was laughing at how cowerdly I was. We finally reached a bridge that extended about three yards to the other side; a full half mile away from the Mathew's house. She finally stopped and stared out into the river. The moon light reflected across the water, making the moment silent. The moment was beautiful, peaceful, and perfect. "Hey, you wanted to know what my dream was about right," She softly asked me as she was still staring out at the water. "Uh, yeah." It was bitting me in the back of my mind on what the mystery of her dream was. She started to lean on my shoulder and I kissed her head again. She then turned around and looked me in the eye. I started to stare at her, staring into her beautiful green eyes. She then softly closed them, and held my hands. "Kiss me," She whispered. She let go of my right hand and I touched her cheek. It took a few trys for our lips to touch and even more for them to stay together. I finally was able to keep our lips touching and she wrapped her arms around my neck. "You weren't so hesitant in my dream," She quietly joked after she released my lips. I let out a small chuckle. I then picked her up by her waist; she was surprisingly lighter than I expected. Selena then let out a scream of excitement and then wrapped her legs around my waist. "What the hell are you doing David?" "Like you didn't see this coming in your dream," I told her. "No, I woke up before this part." She wrapped her arms around me and gave me another kiss. Damn my stupid dream. Selena wasn't a monster at all, how could she be one? She was a kind hearted person who might look scary on the outside, but that's what makes her so interesting. She wasn't trying to suck my blood but really kissing me. "Let's head back home," She told me after I carefully put her down. "To bad we didn't get to see her tonight, huh?" "How about we don't mess with the supernatural for a little while Selena." She held onto my hand, her grip was looser than usual. On our trip back she was humming to a song, one that I could remember. I tried to hum along with her, enjoying our quiet moment. There were no birds or crickets chirping, no water swooshing; there was only our quiet footsteps and our musical humming on our way home. TO BE CONTINUED...
ITT: I'm not actually trolling. This isn't very well written. It's obvious you didn't proofread before you posted it. You can't just leave out verbs, by the way, it makes for a very confusing story. Sentence structure isn't good, it doesn't flow well, dialogue needs work, hell everything needs work. Actual story content isn't bad i suppose, though i can't say it's very original. Try again, bro.
Yeah, I keep forgetting to profread, and I know that I have to. I just wanted to post this real fast so one of my friends could read it. I am working on mistakes now, but i'm being honest when I say that I actually did think this out. And yes, I know it's not original but here's the thing, this is MY story, and MY characters; so it will differ from others. And I said this is a different kind of vampire story. Thank you!
Alright, well, past that, it seems a little bland to me but that's most likely my tastes. Also vampires seem to be a bit of a generic topic these days for obvious reasons, so make sure you come up with some new ideas, okay?
Yeah, I know they seem to be all mainstream and stuff. I have some ideas that i'm really looking foward into using. In my previous post I did say that this is my story, so it will be different. I can tell you that in this version there will be NO SPARKLE VAMPIRES!
I won't express the depths of my disdain for your premise because I'm not gonna be an ass and judge you purely on that. As Atlas pointed out your grammar and spelling are broken and confusing at points and your characters are two dimensional, barely on that second dimension. Main character needs to have actual thoughts and observations in the first person, things that give you a sense of time and place other than here in this room in a house in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors, or skies, or roads around it. Other characters need to have quirks and personality traits not just bits of AIM level conversation. The biggest weakness I see here is probably the style, which is not very good. It's highly inexperienced and thrown together feeling; everything is so utterly generic and empty of a personality and flavor(god I hate using that word in this context even though it is the one thing I can think of) that you come off as a bland "me too, me too" kid that can't come up with a single thought of his own without basing it in a world he's read about not two months before. So as bad as this all may sound I believe you can keep going with this and improve, but you need to be more self critical and you need to strive for better or you will never improve.
Okay, I did make corrections and change some stuff. I do admit I do have a "not-as-avanced" way of writing things on here (I haven't written many stories), but that's mainly because i'm writing this for fun. I know even if it is for fun I still have to use proper grammer and all that BS but I'm a kind of writer that focuses a lot more on the main story. I also want the reader to fully understand what's going on in the scene, because it's not mandatory for them to read it, it's for their own plesure. And I know the premise is kind of weak, I even hesitated posting that bit of information to you guys, but cut me some slack. I'm not a published writer like Meyer, Rowling, or King;I'm just a normal teenager with an over active imagination. UPDATE: Okay, I decided to not make this a vampire story after all for the simple fact that it's become unpopular. It will be the same story that I originally invisioned, I can promise you that. There were some key scenes that involved the whole "revealing" of "OMG, you're a vampire too" thing, but I guess now isn't the time for it.
Nice! You captured the essence of foster family life very well. I should know. I was in that boat from the ages of 4 to 18! As already stated, grammar is an issue, but not a biggie. It's nothing that a few read-throughs/edits won't fix! Keep it up! =D
Thank you Ol'Sephy!!! BTW Chapter Two is up, so If you wish to read it, here it is. EDIT: You know, what I changed my mind (again) and this time i'm going to keep it this way. It WILL be a vampire story, and I don't care what you say. If you've read this story before I changed it back and loved my characters as much as I have, please continue reading. If your are sick of vampire stories, please don't post in here about my story being a bad idea, I know it's over used. Again, these are based off real life vampires, not the fictional kind.
