Ever since Demyx got banned out of the Organization for poking Xigbars eye out he's not coming back for a while so he moved in an apartment in Waterford Michigan! (Why cause I live there so BAH) in the USA he got a new job... as a Music Teacher!!!!!!!! In an Elementary school for grades 1-5. Chapter 1 Demyx walked into the principal's office; the principal looked about a mere age of twenty-three. The young woman looked up from shuffling through various paperwork and asked, "Oh, so you're the new music teacher?" “Yeah, how’d you know!?” Demyx replied “You’re holding a guitar.” She said"It's not a guitar its a sitar" Demyx said “so where is your music room?” he asked “Oh yeah I got to ask you questions.Are you an emo or a Goth or something?” “Why do you ask?” Demyx replied “You’re wearing a black cloak next time wear some brighter clothes ahhh…” “My name is Demyx and no it was a uniform in my last job I guess….” “Ok the music room is room 9-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Demyx interrupted the principle “What’s wrong!?” she asked “I WASSS THATTT NUMMMBBERRRRRRRRR” he cried out “It's ok Demyx want a tissue?” she said “I’m ok” Demyx replied “What is your name?” “Jennifer Heparies just call me Ms. Heparies and class is about to start Demyx” Ms. Heparies said “Ok bye now to room 9” Demyx told himself
I think it's funny but, Demyx doesn't play a guitar he plays the Sitar a four stringed instrement, which is alot like a bass...so you might wanna edit the story so he has a bass. Whatever I think it's a great story.
Not bad for I'm guessing your first attempt. You need to work on sentence structure, grammatical issues, always type out numbers, and maybe trying to be more descriptive. Make sure to always proof-read your work or get a friend to proof-read it. If you are have trouble still, I suggest typing your chapters in Microsoft word first; this way it catches any errors you may have missed. Here's an example of how you can improve your story: Demyx came/walked into the principal's office; the principal looked about a mere age of twenty-three. The young woman looked up from shuffling through various paperwork and asked, "Oh, so you're the new music teacher?" ~You could probably remove that "Oh ok," it makes the sentence awkward/confusing. ~You forgot to write how said that statement. I'm guessing the principal did. ~^ Same as above. I highlighted certain things in white in which you need to "tweak." I hope all this helps. ^_^ Keep on writing!
That was good!!!! I like the bit where Demyx cries out because he is number 9....Lol...ME LIKIES THE STORY!!! Yayz! Keep writing!
Demyx walked into the principal's office; the principal looked about a mere age of twenty-three. The young woman looked up from shuffling through various paperwork and asked, "Oh, so you're the new music teacher?" “Yeah, how’d you know!?” Demyx replied “Uhhh... You’re holding a guitar.” She said . "It's not a guitar it's a sitar," Demyx said, “awkward, so where is your music room?” he asked. “Oh yeah, I got to ask you questions. Are you an emo or a Goth or something?” the principal asked. “Why do you ask?” Demyx replied. “You’re wearing a black cloak next time wear some brighter clothes ahhh…” “My name is Demyx and no it was a uniform in my last job I guess….” Demyx said. “Ok the music room is room 9-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Demyx interrupted the principle “What’s wrong!?” she asked. “I WASSS THATTT NUMMMBBERRRRRRRRR” he cried out. “It's ok Demyx want a tissue?” she said. “I’m ok,” Demyx replied, “What is your name?” “Jennifer Heparies. Just call me Ms. Heparies and class is about to start Demyx” Ms. Heparies said, “Ok bye now to room 9.” ~~~ Better. You were still missing some important things, such as periods and commas. I placed them in where needed in white to help you understand what exactly I meant. Anyways practice makes perfect. I would take out that word. In my post before I meant the "Oh ok" made the sentence sound awkward, not put in the word awkward.
