I put this in the wrong folder earlier...but I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with this. Can ya'll help? My mind is a deadly hurricane, It torments me in so many ways When will I ever see the calm again? The large waves being tossed about Crashing themselves on the shore Fighting against the heavy winds. How am I to escape This torturous storm That’s killing me within? Never ceasing, I cower I fall, weakness fills my limbs Just wolding on by a whim. I search within I finally find the calm Falling in peaceful thoughts Until I’m awakened by another storm.
The numbers count the syllables in a given line and the parenthetical statements are random thoughts I had while reading. No rhyming and inconsistent meter. You need one or both. If you're not going to at least have a rhythm it's not a poem but a random collection of words. I feel like something you could do here is run with the way it's already structured but unify it. You could have the stormy parts be defined by many quick syllables like the first stanza and perhaps have it eb and flow depending on how stormy you want the feel like you have it kind of taper off over the next two stanzas. So redo the last two stanzas and take a syllable out of the second line or something to get a unity of pace. I won't discuss subject matter, but try to use words that match flow. If you want a flowing sound pick words that flow rather than words that have very defined stops and starts between each other or withing them. Avoid hard consonants when going for smooth flow but use them when going for violent staccato. Just so you know, I hate blank and free verse poetry. I feel like formal poetry is superior to most modern forms and my advice reflects that. If you want to achieve a more modern feel ignore everything I said and do the opposite.
The change in tone in the last stanza was too abrupt in my opinion. Free verse doesn't bother me, but the last line was too long regardless. There are simple tricks to reduce the amount of syllables in a line: replacing until with till, over with o'er etc. Then there's the hurricane metaphor. A metaphor is essentially a comparison between two (seemingly unrelated) concepts. This is important to remember, especially when you extend your metaphor over several stanzas. Does your hurricane represent rage, confusion or merely a headache? What are the waves and the winds? Describing your metaphors too literally is a common trap, and admittedly a difficult one to avoid. I myself am probably guilty of the same things I'm warning you for.
