So I made a random story out of bordem. Tell me if you want me to carry on with this... ----------------- Sitting in my seat at the back of the class, I stared out the window, bored out of my mind. Sensei was dully droning on and on about the maths and how it effected everything in life. Normally, we would have our fun, bouncy teacher Tama-Sensei but he had called in sick today, leaving us with one of the oldest, most BORING teachers in school (maybe in the world) - Ourn-Sensei. Everyone made jokes of him saying he liked to ramble Ourn and Ourn about nothing, even the teachers. To make this day feel even worse, dark threatening clouds had gathered over our school, bursting with rain just waiting to be let out a break. How brilliant is that? And how I was just waiting to get outside and breathe in that fresh air. That’s another downside about Ourn. He NEVER opened the windows - even in the summer, so all his classes were stuffy and hot. Why am I even here? I wondered as I wrote down a few notes on Sensei’s lecture. Looking over to the front of the class sat Lucas, my best friend, writing like there’s no tomorrow. We had been best friends since infants and he still bested me at studies. Why? We liked school and studied a lot, spending some nights in his room, reading a book. He didn’t look geeky at all though, which everyone expected him to. Short brown hair, deep green eyes and a slim but strong body. The only thing that showed him as geek was his glasses that took up most of his face but most girls thought that made him cuter. Staring out the window again, I watched as the first rain drops hit the window and then trickled down it. Maybe I’ll be water when I die and come back to life. So I can travel the world by skies, swim the deepest waters and see hidden valleys. Or I’ll just hang around Ourn-sensei and rain on his head since he’s already a miserable old fart. Chuckling, I felt a book hit the top of my head. Looking up, Ourn was lingering over me, happy to be able to tell off someone. “I’m sure you can answer that question, Miss Nanashi.†He smiled evilly at me, like a lion after the kill. I was in a corner. What was the question? I’ll get a massive detention for this! Looking at Lucas, he was holding up a piece of paper, pointing at it. Thank god for Lucas. “Um, 42?†I replied, reading the answer on Lucas’ paper. Ourn raised an eyebrow, wondering how I got the answer right. “Yes Miss Nanashi. 42 is the correct answer.†He walked back to the front of the class, upset for not giving out a detention. The bell rang, signalling lunch time for everyone. Smiling everyone got up heading to other classes, their friends or other things. Just as I expected, the rain clouds let it rip and poured it down. “Rhixan, what am I to do with you?†That was Lucas, heading over to me with his bento. Pulling out the chair in front of me, he put his bento down and rested his elbows on my desk. “You just keep on spacing out! You’re VERY lucky I was listening and gave you the answer.†I rolled my eyes at him, showing that I didn’t care. “Thank you anyway, Lucas. I was just day dreaming of becoming a rain cloud and raining on Ourn’s head.†Lucas laughed and opened up his bento. Snapping his chopsticks apart, he attacked his rice, wolfing it down. “Hey! Slow down or you’ll choke on it!†I shouted at him. Lucas looked up from his meal with innocent eyes. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and smirked at me. “You honestly can’t tell off a growing boy for being hungry.†I frowned at him, showing that I wasn’t amused. “Lucas. You’re 15. 3 days older then me. You’re not a growing boy anymore!†Lucas shrugged. “Oh well. Anyways, how come you’ve been so dozy lately?†I looked down at my hands, resting on my legs. Balling them up, I sighed. “I don’t know...†Lucas gave me a questioning look. “You’re not day dreaming about a guy are you?†I looked up at him and shook my head with a surprised look on my face. “What? NO! I don’t fancy anyone! You should know that. Its just.... I’ve been getting a feeling that I’m not supposed to be here. I should be somewhere else, doing something else.†Lucas frowned, chopsticks half in his mouth. “That’s odd. I get that feeling every so often but I ignore it. May it’s just some faze that evryone gets.†I sighed, looking out the window. Lucas didn’t understand. I really didn’t feel like I should be here. But he did have a point, it probably was just some faze.
Weeaboo. I had to get that out. Other than the fact that it really bothers me when clearly western writers go and try to make a school life drama in the quintessential Japanese comic book fashion I don't have any issues with this. It's not like it's got too many technical issues but it's pretty simple and straightforwards anyways so it doesn't have much to trip you up on. I'll give this a Meh/10. You could be a good writer but you don't really show this here.
An opening is a crucial and important part of any written work, to ignore it would be wrong. A cover is a cover and an opening is an opening. I'm judging what you have placed before me of your own free will with the implied intent of getting other people's opinions.
What the hell is "Ourn and Ourn". Meant to be a play on words from his name? It just makes it look like you cant spell. First sentence is too long. Good writers use a short and sweet sentence to start, to grab the readers' attention. Honestly, drop the japanese stuff, nobody here will appreciate it except the hardcore weeaboos. I guess the first part was alright. Moving on. P.S- it should be affected, not effected. c: Moving on ~ Should be in speech marks or something, to show its thought and not just normal text. You said "Why?" and yet you STILL didn't actually explain why he bested you at studies. Doesn't make sense. D'aww, this part was sweet. Nice idea. ...what the hell is bento? You could have atleast explained it. The constant reminder that everything is Japanese is sort of annoying. If you're going to do it, make it subtle. Finally, I see some kind of plot towards the end. Final thought- Wall of Text. Although the story so far is short it still needs to be broken down into bitesize chunks, aka paragraphs. Don't be disheartened by CnC, it's a way for you to learn and improve. Keep going with any story if you feel like, regardless of the comments you get- you'll progress and learn by your mistakes.
Very nice. I don't like the japanese parts, thought. Im sure you wanted to do something that related to japan, but it doesn't work quite well. I'm guessing that you still need to practice not sounding like a "Weaboo", but it's the practice that makes perfect, so, either drop it or perfect it. Another thing is the blocky text, you don't have to space out every small paragraph, but at least leave space between starting dialogue, etc. I think you should also try and not rush things, get details, paint your story world with details that we can grab an image of. Your writing is good, but you barely described anything. It's nice to weave lavish prose once in a while. Overall, this is good, but I think you need to work a bit on the aforementioned. It's only a matter of time, but I think you'll get better.
@Obsessed: Ourn and Ourn is supposed to be a pun for on and on I believe. Also, in the strange thing that is the first person perspective, you don't need to put distinct thoughts in quotation marks. It's not a hard and fast rule but it is negotiable. Just thought I'd mention it while I was still here.
Yeah I got the pun, it was just awful :v Since in this case the story is one giant wall of text I didn't think the thoughts were particularly distinct xD Most stories I've read either have thoughts in speech marks or italics; it just seems to flow better in my mind.
Eh, it's a matter of preference at this point. I hate that grammatical and stylistic grey area that changes from era to era and style to style but we all live with it. I agree with your layout preference myself but I've read many published works where that kind of thing isn't included. There is a particular genre that the name of escapes me but either way I'm leaving the bounds of my knowlege at this point.
Probably, the pun should go in Italic. In the end the main concern is the impact the writer wants to give and what he truly wishes to convey...I think.
-sigh- okay then. Take out japanese bits, add more detail, add sweet bits in every so often, make it better. I just made it out of bordem. I honestly didn't expect it to be good. (just so everyone knows) I wanna continue but I try harder this time. :D Thanks for you comments. (note - i'll change the colours of whos talking/thinking etc)
