Dark Hearts of KH-Vids 2: The Requiem

Very nice. The are lesser errors, but still, my advice would be the same, to keep on working on making it smoother, less repetition of names, more variations of words, no short, choppy sentences, more direct words, etc. Also, after a dialogue, there should be a comma at the end of it (except for exclamatories or question marks of course lol). For instance (just an example I made up):

"Yeah, of course," the soldier said.

Not:

"Yeah, of course." the soldier said.

Also, 'some one' should be one word, 'someone'.

And in this part:
“Yeah, I checked the locks on the cell twice.” The other soldiers said. “Good. Because we don’t want Riku Sora Kairi Owns or Risk doing the same thing he did to Johnny to us.” The first KIGA Soldier said.

At first, i assumed the other soldiers were speaking still, until I saw the last part. So to clarify it easier, you ought to just put more space between, an indentation, to show it's not the same person.

In this part:
One of them was wearing baggy gray pants and a gray shirt with a skull with blood coming out of its eyes on it, there was a woman with a red sweater, red beret, and black jeans, and there was another man wearing a black trench coat.

The word 'one' was repeated quite a bit, and well, the sentence was a bit of a run-on and somewhat...messy. It should be written clearer, such as:

The first man was wearing baggy, gray pants, and an arsenic-grey shirt that had a skull with blood coming out of its eyes, on top of it. Besides him was a woman, outfitted in a velvet red sweater, a vermillion-red beret, and black jeans, and standing next to her, was another man, wearing a black trench coat.

Again, try not to repeat words (such as the 'with' in the sentence above), and use a variety of ways to describe the colors so it doesn't become over-redundant. This list of colors should help if you need some reference for colors.

Now, for this part:
It was strange why a former KH-Vids staff member would turn on KH-Vids.

The sentence feels like it's a bit...difficult to understand at first, somewhat. It should be written more like:
It was strange, why would a former KH-Vids staff member want to turn on KH-Vids?
Or:
It was strange, a former KH-Vids staff member, wanting to turn on KH-Vids...but for what reason?
Or if you want to make it end with a period:
It was strange, for a former KH-Vids staff member, wanting to turn on KH-Vids.

For this sentence:
Roxas, Alice, and Risk just laugh.
'Laugh' should be 'laughed,' or, for a more wicked imagery of the sound, 'cackled'.

For this part:
Kiryu looked around the room with anger in his eyes thinking of what to do. Kiryu walked over to a door and opened it. Kiryu walked into the room. The room wasn’t empty.
A few sentences are a bit short, and should be written more like:
Kiryu looked around the room, anger burning within his eyes, as he contemplated on what to do. Briskly stepping over to a door nearby, he reached out and swung it open. Stepping inside, he could clearly see that the room was not empty.
Adjectives help to make the imagery stronger, and using more direct words will make the story easier to read and more engrossing.

Some more words to replace, could be 'frightened' instead of 'scared', and 'shouted' instead of 'yelled'.

In this part:
Now he was in that happen weapons. Kiryu looked at the weapons and grabbed a few of the weapons, because he might need them later.

“This might come in handy.” Kiryu said picking up and shotgun. Kiryu looked around the room looking for a door. He found the door and walked through it. The room he walked into had 20 KIGA soldiers.
It should be written more like:
Inside the room happened to be several rows of weapons, lined on the shelves against the wall. Kiryu quickly looked over the variety of artilleries, and then grabbed a few of the weapons.

“These might come in handy,” he said, as picked up a shotgun. Gazing about the rest of the room, he espied an open door at the corner of the room. Warily, he walked through it - only to find himself in a room with 20 KIGA soldiers.
In the modified version, 'because he might need them later' was omitted because what Kiryu says already shows that he might need them later on. It should also be 'these' instead of 'this' because you pointed out he took several weapons, so it should referred to as many.

In this part:
A man in black cloths holding a staff with a yellow orb with an “X”, on it was looking out a window into the ocean. He sighed and said, “Remember, remember the 5th of November, The gunpowder treason and plot, I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.”
It should be:
A man in black clothes, holding a staff with a yellow orb that had an “X” atop it, was gazing out of a window, at the ocean. Sighing, he recited under his breath, “Remember, remember the 5th of November, the gunpowder treason and plot, I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.”
You might also want to use "in a black robe" instead, or "murmured" instead of "recited under his breath".

Also, for Zero smiled evilly, you might want to say 'smirked' instead, but 'smiled evilly' is fine, really. Just a suggestion...!

For this part:
A robot then walked out of a dark corner, the robot looked almost similar to Kiryu. “Query: Is there something you need killed, master?” MechaKiryu asked.
You might want to write it something like:
A robot then walked out of a dark corner, an android who appeared almost identical to Kiryu. “Query: Is there someone who requires to be eradicated, Master?” MechaKiryu inquired.
The robot needs to talk a bit more mechanical (if that's what you're aiming for), and 'master' should be capitalized, since it's like a name. If you need help knowing whether to capitalize it or not, just pretend it was an actual name instead, and see if it looks alright. For instance, if it was 'my master', the word would not be capitalized, as if you imagined it was a name, say 'my Mary', it'd sound strange. But if addressing someone, it would sound fine, such as, "Is there someone who requires to be assassinated, Mary?"

Anyhow, the imagery is great, but sometimes should be a bit more detailed, such as involving scent, a more vivid description of the surroundings, and other sensory details (such as a 'cold handle' or something like that). However, compared to most others, you're doing an awesome job so far, already involving some details of the imagery, some of the characters' appearances, etc.

Overall, the entire second chapter was done wonderfully - the dialogue is good, an enigmatic plot is unfolding, and it is alread intriguing me. I actually tend to have a very low attention span, but this story already rivets me, so it is definitely not boring and I love reading it - and I'm not just saying that. I really can't wait to see what happens next, and again, I especially commend you on how original the plot is, with its fascinating plot twists and elements. And I can tell you're enjoying yourself while writing this, so by all means continue on! I really must know what happens next...!

 

Err, thank you. :mellow:

edit: Chapter 3 is out.

 

Wow, chapter three is awesome! For any errors, basically the same advice I said earlier, but there are actually a bit less mistakes so...awesome job! :)

The action was really thrilling, and the dialogue is great. I love the addition of the ninjas, and the fact that someone died makes the story intense yet, not that serious, being able to have a touch of humor (such as in the end a bit). So, all in all, great job! Also...mentioning me makes me feel quite warm inside so, thank you! *hugs tightly*

Anyway, I can't wait to see what happens next! The mystery and fights really keeps you on your toes, and I really want to know what happens next!

 

I'm glad you liked it. And ninjas make everything better. :)

 

Kool. I like it.

I want to be in one of your stories..... TT.TT

 

I'm glad you liked it. And don't worry, you might be in the next sequal.

 

I hope so!

Even if I'm not, nice work!

And if I am, Thanks!

 

:) *fillers*

 

Still don't understand that: *Fillers*

What's it mean...?

 

It's to fill in the rest of the space left over, you need to have 10 characters in a post.

 

Oh yeah.

*fillers*

 

Hmm. *fillers*

 

Hm.

*filled*

 

O_o I'm never putting marshmellows in my microwave again.

Nice chapter, poor old fart got exploded with the ninjas!

 

I'm glad you liked it. :)

 

This is coming along really well dude <3

The imagery you use is really good, xD I have a vivid imagination anyway, but your wording helps build a really clear picture of what you are describing :)



Also


<_>


Ninja's FTW! <3333333333​

 

I'm glad you like it. :)

edit: Chapter 4 is now out.

 

:O I thought the "angel of death" was Kiryu but I guess not, this is getting intersting. That was a suprise that Catch the Rain was there, I was all like "OMG! D: NUU~!" untill I learned that she didn't want to be there.

:/ how is Kiryu 'spost to complete his mission if he doesn't even know what the heck he has to do?

 

I'm glad you like it. :)

 

RSK is such a sadist *le gasp* beating up Catch the Rain xD

Another very good chapter <3

I Love the tension that is in this one, with Cronoking being mysteriously murdered whilst the others are in the same room.

I love that Khamelion(spelling?) has made another appearance xD

This one is fast becoming as addictive as the last one, xD​