Hello, welcome to my little corner of weirdness. This, is a fanfiction of what the children of the beloved organization would look like if they had went and had children. I will post the first few characters here. Lea: Here it is guys! *********************************************************** [CHILDREN OF THE ORGANIZATION ~ FANFICTION BY ME SILLYPUDDY] ************************************************************ Chapter 1 I had arrived at the school at about 7:30. It was barely time for breakfast when I heard my name called. I turned to see that my mother was calling me. She’s a super model. Her hair is short but very beautiful. She waved and said, “I’ll see you later dear.†I threw my hand in the air and waved it. She smiled and got back in her limo and drove off. I walked to the entrance and opened the door to head off to my first class. But what I didn’t know was that this school was very different from any other school I’ve been to. Oh, and by the way, I just moved to this area over the summer so I don’t really know what they do in these schools so when I came I was just considered another student who’d been here for awhile and knew what to do. But I wasn’t any student like that. I was really an outsider as you might say. At about 2pm, I was sitting on the wall right about the small pond below. The fishes were jumping about and I laughed. I got up and looked around and thought ‘Wow this school is big’ I looked toward the gate and also thought ‘Well I guess mom is here, I better get going.’ I headed towards the gate and was just about to touch it when I heard someone calling. I turned and noticed a girl with red hair in pig-tails running towards me with a worried expression upon her face. “What is it?†I asked as she began to catch her breath. She looked at me with beads of sweat falling down her face. She opened her mouth and spoke to me. “Y-y-y-you can’t…..go through that gate…until the end of the year…ugh†She fell to her knees and was wheezing. “What’d you mean I can’t leave? Why can’t I go back to my house?†She looked at me surprised and said, “You’re new to this town aren’t you? Well here, we stay in school until Christmas, and then, if our parents choose, we can go home for 3 weeks. But if we don’t feel like it or our parents don’t want to, then we can stay here and run around and spend our hard-earned sans.†I looked at her and said, “Sans? What are those?†She smiled and sweetly said, “Sort of like a pay-check. We get the maximum if we go to class and we get double if we get to all our classes on time for the entire week!†I looked wide-eyed and repeated, “D-d-double? What do we get at the most then?!†She reached into her shirt pocket and pulled out 5 bills. “We get 500 sans maximum, and 1000 when doubled. Some kids even get triple for no apparent reasons!†I fell to the ground and just stared at these 5 bills. Just five bills of 100 each. Triple would equal 1500 sans! I need to get triple somehow. I got up and said, “Show me around then!†She grabbed my wrist and pulled me off to go and explore the grounds. I can’t believe I won’t be able to go home after all. But that doesn’t matter. I have a friend now. I closed my diary and got up. I looked out the window and saw my mom getting in her limo. I saw that she had a very sad expression. I cried when I saw it. I thought, “Mom, wait till you see me after all of this is over…just you wait!’ I climbed into my bed and removed my slippers. I looked over at my friend’s bed and saw her snoring with a little drool coming out of her mouth. I giggled at how silly she looked and soon got underneath my covers and drifted off into a deep sleep.
hmmm seems to me that this is more of a journal entry than a story. You are using way to many three to six word sentences. Try expanding the sentences into more fluid ones, giving more details and don't center judicate everything.
It's supposed to be that way. It is mainly from the thoughts and life of one girl, Lea. I won't change it either. It seems to be working for me and all. Besides, I wanted to be the odd story out so far.
Well, I really liked the text. It was clear to read the whole thing. But I feel that it went to fast in time, (Sorry if I offended you? but overall this is very good by reading it. Keep up the good work;)
