If someone could review this, that would be appreciated. My original essay, which was done on 12/16/2011, the last day before Christmas break, had a score of 50/85, 58.8% F, with these comments: You did not fully explain these topics. Fragment. Thesis? But what were the drugs used for in the book? The major difference in the revision is the addition of the paragraph before the conclusion. Spoiler Amaury [last name] 2nd Period – Senior English – [teacher name] 1/24/2012 Brave New World Essay – Drugs and Punishment / Violence Brave New World, a book by Aldous Huxley, is a book with a futuristic setting. In other words, experiments take place on children, which have to do with cloning, making them sexually active, and other interesting, but creepy, experiments. In this essay, I will be showing my opinions regarding drugs and violence and comparing them to the current world, as well as some other things from the book. In chapter 8, a simple mistake from a little girl got her several intense whippings from a whip, and this just aggravated me, because I feel as though she was still young enough that she didn’t know better for the mistake she had done. In my opinion, even if the mistake had been something bigger, at that age, most children don’t really know right from wrong, and by the events that happened in chapter 8, I would definitely say that she was one of the children that didn’t know any better. Currently, there is still punishment, but it seems to have really gone down in terms of literally beating one’s kids to near-death – for example, a student receiving bad grades. Parents ground their teenagers over bad grades, which I personally disagree with, and I don’t think it makes them get it up; in fact, quite the opposite. I think it actually lowers their self-esteem, also lowering their ability to want to get their grade up. I don’t think this applies to all teenagers, but I think it applies to a huge percentage of teenagers. This proves that a lot parents ground their teenagers over bad grades and illustrates just how strict some parents can be. In one of the later chapters, Leina (or Linda?) is taken hostage in a church by Bernard, I believe, and is forced to hide in a bathroom. She was being held at gunpoint by Bernard, and he somehow came to his senses or something and let her go, but she’s too afraid to leave, for some reason, and ends up hiding in the bathroom. He ends up pacing back and forth several times until someone calls his name from outside of the church. She carefully opens the door, little by little, until she knows for sure that he’s gone. When she’s sure, she makes a run for it, and that’s where the chapter ends. This demonstrates how a hostage situation can actually end up not resulting in death of a hostage. Regarding drugs, I don’t personally believe in any type of drug. Sure, there are drugs which assist, such as drugs to drastically slow down HIV / AIDS, but drugs, most of the time, can end up causing more harm than good, especially bad drugs, such as marijuana, for obvious reasons. Again, sure, it gets a person high, but I’d rather live my life to its fullest extent than die early because of a stupid decision to take any kind of drugs. This shows that I disagree with drugs and that I’d rather find other ways to get high, such as simply having a lot of sugar. That’s also bad for the body, but it's not nearly as bad to the extent that drugs are. Regarding cloning and sexual experiments, it appears that it was a success, but the way it made the children act isn't how our world should be in the future. If I recall correctly, one of the men in the book, whose name I don't know, kept having sex with one of the girls as part of the experiment; since she agreed, I believe it wasn't considered rape, but since she was underage, there's still wrong in that, regardless of whether she gave consent or not, and this illustrates how cloning and sexual experiments really wouldn't work well for a futuristic world. Overall, I found the book to be very interesting to read. There were some parts to that were creepy, but there were also some very interesting parts. My favorite part was the end, but not because I finished the book, but just how the flow of the last chapter went.
This would probably be best in the Original Work section of the Writer's Nook, but anyway: I agree with your teacher on these points: As well as have a few of my own. For starters, never use the word "I" in an academic essay. If that is the one thing you get from this, please let it be that. Pound it into your brain as many times as you can, please. It makes the writing sound elementary, and most importantly comes across as a list of opinions for the reader to read instead of what it should be doing, which is to persuade the reader to your line of thinking. Spoiler: Thesis Anyway, first and foremost, the first sentence is very weak as the opening line. The first sentence of your introduction should grab the reader's attention and make them continue wanting to read the essay. Personally, I have used quotes by writers such as Walt Whitman, Oscar Wilde and so on, as they are attention grabbing andsobeautifulomg, so long as I can relate it to what my thesis is. Anyway, your thesis should be a somewhat broad, but specific statement of what your essay is going to be about. As I said above, the first sentence is weak as the opening line. Second of all, beginning your following sentence with the words "In other words" is implying that all futuristic worlds are riddled with human experimentation using drugs and alcohol, so that should be cut in favor of something either more neutral or more specific to the novel That also brings me to this: Name examples of the effects other experiments had on the children. As it is, it is incredibly vague and makes the reader wonder what you will be on about after the effects on their sex drive. Arguably another point in equal importance to the "I" matter: Your entire essay is supposed to focus on examining events from the novel and interpreting them in a way in which can persuade the reader to your thinking. Real world examples are great at times, but when they begin to crowd out the examples from the actual novel you are supposed to be analyzing, the result comes out much weaker than it could have been. Spoiler: Everything Else As it stands now, your essay is weak. It doesn't explain or expand upon the points you raised in your thesis, nor does it introduce the reader to a new way of thinking of things (persuading them to your thinking). Now, going by paragraph to paragraph: There is a lack of continuity. You started with an example from the book, and ended up at parents grounding their children. Also, you were not specific at all in the example(s) from the novel. Even though your teacher has read the novel, even they would have trouble figuring out what you are discussing (especially from my position as I have yet to read Brave New World). Name more events from Chapter 8, specific ones, that show the brutality of the experiments upon the children. To be frank, every sentence that had the word "I' or did not contain anything relevant to the book can be nuked. As it is now, you go on a tangent about your own opinion on grounding children, which makes o sense in the context of the essay. This is about the novel, not the grounding of children. And if you are to use examples from the real world, I would suggest having either a proficient knowledge on them or using historical examples (proficient knowledge also applies here). You could relate the condition of the children to the Lowell Mills girls, or just about any example of child labor conditions, really. That's another thin you have to keep in mind as well. What is Huxley trying to say through the novel? Is it a statement about what the future of experimentation can lead to, is it something about returning to the ways of the Lowell mills, or what? Your options are either to cut that last line, or just completely nuke this paragraph in general. You had not stated anywhere in your thesis about anything regarding hostages, nor does this really make sense following the above paragraph. Furthermore, this is plot summary, which should be avoided at all costs in favor of analysis. Why is this important? What does it have to do with your thesis, aka, what point you are trying to get across in your essay? If you are going to talk about it, include drugs in your thesis and the effects on them and children in the modern world. Also marijuana isn't necessarily bad for you. It's a more soft drug than something hard like nicotine or crack (not to mention it is legal in quite a few places, and used in medicinal practices). :v aww yeah health class If you do not know it, do not include that as an example. (Which, of course, you can just look up on SparksNotes as well). Also, not entirely sure how we ended up from your opinion on rape to how sexual experiments and cloning are bad for the future? If anything, take out the 'I" and make a statement about rape in the novel (and include rape in your thesis) and the effects it had on the children. Also, anything sexual with someone underage is rape, regardless of consent or not. Unnecessary. You can delete this. Your conclusion should be a reiteration of your thesis, and the closing line should have just about as much impact as your opening line. The essay is weak and still needs a lot of work. You should aim for using examples as specific to the novel as you can, analyzing them without regurgitating the plot. Also, you need a thesis statement that says what you will cover in your essay. I'd say shoot for three topics, and the rest in your essay you can forget about. Overall though, not bad, but just needs quite a bit of work.
Thanks for the review. Also, my teacher has no problem with "I." The only thing that bothers him is second-person "you." EDIT: Also, yes, please move this to Writer's Nook, thanks!
Just thought I should give you guys an update. According to him, my re-write got an 80/85. This can also be locked now, too.
