Blood

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It's thicker than water.
Thinner than skin.
It pumps through your body.
Waiting to escape.
Waiting to drain.

When your in pain.
With a cut or scrape.
Your blood starts to leak.
Until you can stop it.
The cut or scrape will heal

But there's something that can be really wounded.
Your heart.
When you feel like your alone in the world.
It feels like your heart starts to bleed.
Your yelling in serious pain.

Your heart starts burning.
You shall keep this pain.
Standing in a pool of blood.
While all you watch me drown.
While i speak my last words "i love you..."

A few weeks later you'll forget all about me.
just spit on my lifeless body covered in blood.
Just saying how happy you are im dead.
When in hell I'm yelling in terror
I'll become Satan.

Like you care.
No one cares.
Until I rise from the depths of hell.
Setting fire to anyone i see
I'm getting my revenge to get back at them that didnt care.

You shall all die at my hands.
You shall all feel my rath.
I shall show you what it means to be me.
You shall all suffer.
I will make the world collapse.

Then everything will grow silent.
Everyone died
Because of me.
Their all laying in pools of blood.
**************************************************



Don't ask....

 

Wow made at someone?

Well anyway nice job

 

... um... You ok?

 

Good length....doesn't rhyme, but thats cool.....hmmm atmosphere of poem is depressing somewhat in my opinion.....more of a happy poem person....but overall good poem....

 

Wow...

By the way, if your writing a piece called blood, don't start it with that blood is thicker than blood.

 

oh shoot that was a typo i didnt notice it was supposed to say its the thicker than water -.-

 

That was really good, Stan.

 

w/e...............

 

Critique

Hmm...It's a pretty strong piece.

However, I'd have taken out the "It's" and "It" in the first stanza. Gives the lines more emphasis.
Second stanza: It's "you're" not "your." The second "Your", the "can" and the second "cut or scrape" doesn't seem necessary.
Third stanza: Maybe a colon instead of a period at the end of the first line. The "your" in the third and fifth lines should be "you're." Probably remove the "like" in the third line. Instead of "starts to bleed," maybe "bleeds" would work.
Fourth stanza: Both "I's" need to be capitalized in the last line. You probably don't need the "all."
Fifth stanza: Either capitalize the second line or remove the first period. The "justs" don't seem necessary. Apostrophe at "I'm."
Sixth stanza: Capitalize "i", apostrophe at "didn't."
Seventh stanza: Probably don't need all those "alls." "Wrath" not "rath."
Last stanza: "They're" not "their."

And you don't need periods at the end of almost every line. But they are necessary for complete thoughts or sentences.

Those are only some of the stuff that I found. Other than that, pretty good. ;)

 

GIVE THE DUDE A BREAK!!!
I LOVE THAT NAME STAN!!STAN!!STAN STAN STAN STAN!!

 

wow wat a reply XD

 

Great job, Stan. :) I hope everything's better now though? *hugs*

 

i creeped out my friend with that poem XD

 

i liked it alot! but then again i am weird so you might not want my oppinion

 

Everyone has a right to let out their opinon Amy.
Mine is............WHOOOOOOAAAAA!!

 

i'm weird too and i LUV this poem and his name!! STAN !! but i found another kool name COOPER!!

 

ummmmmmm ok lol

 

^^ how did u come up with tis poem anyway??? *~^^stan^^~*

 

i was like really pissed off

 

at wut?? O.O