Ok, I lurk on a fair few forums, What I'm about to post is already posted on Deviantart, but since simply linking poses all kinds of problems I will post the entire thing here. First let me warn people that while I am looking for constructive criticism I will ignore any insults about my work or about me (not that I am saying people here will insult either me or my work, I've just taken to putting this up since other sites I have posted this on I get nothing but crap from members. So it's strictly precautionary.) Anyway, This is a rewrite of something I wrote 9 years ago, when I started I had very bad writing skills and zero imagination, so I apologise in advance if anyone finds this opening generic at all. I salvaged what I could from my atrocious handwriting to end up with this. Over all I'm quite happy with the end result, but I want to see what other people think. --- Disclaimer [This has become something of a habit now so ignore reading this bit if you wish] --- Everything you are going to read here has been created by me, the characters, the world and the creatures (albiet somewhat inspired from other sources are still my own creations.) are all directly from my imagination and as such any other writers will HAVE to seek my expressed permission before using any of them. --- Pro-Logue It All Falls to Blind Eyes “Nothing can ready one for the sting of a betrayal they never expected!†--- She ran up the winding stairwell as fast as her legs could carry her; her armour rattled with each hurried step she took, in the grip of her right hand she carried the pike she frequently used as her weapon, its weight all too familiar to her. The small round shield she commonly used was firmly buckled to her left forearm, while being supported by her left hand, perhaps they should have seen this coming, everything did after all seem a little bit too perfect. “I had received word not five minutes ago that one of the better trained infantry men had raced up to the rooftop of this tower in order to stop him, I had been sceptical, the man was a master, what chance did a mere infantryman have against a master? I could only begin to speculate what would become of me once my fight began, would my death simply come as no shock to a crowd of blind eyed watchers†The thin red carpet covering this stairwell did nothing to quiet her frantic footfalls, the portraits of previous rulers hung on the walls here, each one beautifully painted, every detail of that rulers face had been painted to perfection, the frames of gold only adding to the magnificence of each masterpiece that now looked down upon her with a firm glare, that unseeing glare, those blind eyes, they were more than enough to make the skin on the back of her neck prickle uncomfortably. “I couldn’t help but shoot each portrait a quick glance as I raced toward what was going to be my final battle. Seeing the glares of the rulers of bygone days normally brought hope to many soldiers, it normally made them feel as though they had been blessed by the gods themselves before they would step out onto the field of battle. But looking at them now, they felt to me as more of an eternal damnation, looking at them now I felt as though I was being led to the hangman’s noose, encountering nothing more than the firm gazes of the ones whom had sentenced me.†She rounded the final loose turn and the heavy wooden door came into sight, she could feel her heart hammering in not only her breast, but in her own ears, and in her own throat. The cause for this may very well have been the forced rush through the winding stairwell, but she was not going to lie to herself, no, she felt genuine fear. Not only for herself, but for the man that had rushed up here beforehand to stop the murderer, fear. She drew in a shuddering breath as she finally came to the door and rested the edge of her shield on the brilliantly kept oak door; the latch had been snapped in two and there were multiple dents in the woodwork. She heard a scream of agony on the other side of the door which was quickly ended by a sickening gurgling sound and she felt her heart skip a beat, she could not waste any more time, in a single kick she emerged onto the roof of the tower, taking in the sight of her surroundings. “Master Ruien!†Was all that she could call as he walked up to the edge of the tower, his long black battle robe lashing out harshly with the wind, that was enough to stop his march and get him to turn to her, giving her the brief chance to get a look at the infantry man. Again she felt her heart skip a beat as she noticed him lying on the floor with his throat cut. But she allowed herself a small sigh of relief when she noticed that he was still breathing, she snapped her attention back to the matter at hand. “Master Ruien! If you give yourself up now! Then we may just decide to slap you in irons for the night! Then narrow your torture down to simple lashes before execution!†She bellowed, letting him see the seriousness in her hazel coloured eyes, letting him hear the authoritative tone of her voice. There was a tense silence between the two of them and then he, began to laugh, the two flaps on the back of his battle robe were now being blown into his legs, while the two on his sides were still lashing with the wind in a furious attempt to be carried off with the gale. He wore a simple light-weight chest-plate under the battle robe and a pair of dark blue slops on his legs, stopping just under his knees were a pair of boots with large silver buckles meant for defence. “Irons? Lashes? I knew that you were in to that kind of stuff! I LOVE IT WHEN A ***** TALKS DIRTY!†He managed to strain after his fit of laughter, the tones in his voice were mocking through and through, the expression on his face was one of extreme arrogance, that cocky smile, the look of pity toward her in those ruby red eyes of his. His long dark brown hair lashed out with the wind, imitating his battle robe, only here his hair was covering one half of his face, making the look of arrogance seem more like a look of menace. She could not help herself; she took a step away from him, even when his expression changed from that of arrogance into that of seriousness. “Can you prove I did it soldier?†He asked “We found your!-†She began but found herself stopping. He was holding in his hand, the weapon they had seen stuck into the throat of the king, a moderate length hunting knife made of solid gold, a single ring for his finger at the end of the hilt to prevent it slipping from his grasp which also had a small blade on it. “I could hardly believe what I was staring at. That was clearly the weapon that had been used to assassinate the king, yet here Master Ruien stood, holding the knife in his hand, not a speck of blood on it. The pause had left me wide open, yet he stood still, simply holding the weapon, refusing to come with me quietly. I had my orders, I was not about to let them be disobeyed for a split second of deceit.†She readied her pike in less than a second and had thrust it forward, however, her strike met nothing but air as Ruien simply span out of the way and then grabbed the haft of the weapon himself, securing it in place with his right hand, his free hand. “You saw what has become of the first? The both of you were my pupils; if he fell what chance did you think you would have?†He asked, his tone by this time was like scalding water, he was chastising her for making a mistake and a second later she was going to pay for it. In a single movement with the knife he had cut the haft of the pike cleanly in half and dropped the half he was holding to the ground, she was quick to follow suit and quickly reached for the short sword that was held by the sheath on her waist. Before she had even managed to wrap her fingers around the exposed hilt she found herself on her knees with her arm wrenched behind her back. A moment of silence followed. That was when she felt it, the knife slipping into her skin where the neck and the shoulder met, the pain coursing through the entire right side of her body like a blazing fire, she would have screamed, but she shock alone was enough to prevent it. Finally it happened, she let out a scream, announcing the pain she was in as she felt her skin, flesh and muscles tear as the knife was twisted violently in the wound and then torn out, that was all, she fell to the ground, trying with all her strength to keep her eyes open. “How disappointing! I expected more from the ones I trained!†He spat, that tone of arrogance returning to his voice, that cocky tone alone caused an untold fury to well up within her very being, enough to spur her back to her knees, enough to make her reach once more for her blade. She felt a heavy impact hit her in the back and she fell once more, this time her remaining strength left her. Her peripheral vision was lost to an encroaching black mist, her arms and legs felt like little more than lead weights, all she could do was watch as once again Master Ruien walked toward the edge of the tower. “I avoided anything vital, if the healers find you fast enough you’ll live. Otherwise you will bleed to death.†He was speaking calmly, in a voice of reason again, and a brief moment later he closed his eyes lightly and was once again looking down at her through eyes of arrogance before he simply let himself fall from the edge of the tower roof. Her last thought was how much she hated him, and how much she hated their foolishness for trusting him, the black mist became slowly thicker and the urge to sleep became overpowering. And then. There was nothing, everything to her was lost through a veil of the deepest black and to a wall of the coldest silence. “For what might have been the longest while of my life I thought I was dead. When I awoke, my heart still beating, my lungs still drawing breath and my wound healed I thought that it was a miracle that they had managed to find the two of us. Yet I was to learn soon enough that what I had first thought of as a miracle was nothing of the sort.†She stood in silence, her blond hair reaching the length of her shoulders, her figure somewhat petite despite her being a soldier, this coupled with her hazel coloured eyes often made adversaries underestimate her, a mistake which they would always regret later on, she had long since forgotten her true name but that no longer held any meaning to her, she was commonly known by her codename “Nullâ€. The infantryman whom had, had his throat cut had also been revived, in the days they had been speaking Null had learned a great deal about him, he was younger than her by some years, in his early twenties, his short hair was black in colour and was always an untidy mess, his face was defined by the strong chin and jutting jaw he had, he was always clean shaven and had an unusual shade of green for his eyes. He was quite well built, his figure lean, but not overly muscular. He stood at roughly six foot and had not allowed anyone to give him a codename. It was because of this he was not very well known despite all the progress with Master Ruien, he was one of the only soldiers to be known by their birth name, Denego. “The two of us, Null and I had become friends ever since our run-in with Master Ruien. In fact, the reason for this was because I had been able to gather the strength to drag the both of us to the healers. My throat had been cut, but not deep enough to kill me. We knew that the terms of our healing weren’t going to be of the same as previous soldiers almost immediately, we knew before we had even been called upon by our superiors that our terms would undoubtedly change our lives forever.†He stood at the side of Null, the two of them could do little more than stare silently at their superior officer as he stood pacing the room uncomfortably, this officer had been a soldier in this army coming close to forty years now, he was greying and his face was wrinkled, but that was the only giveaway to his age, he was still built well enough to beat even the most promising of young soldiers in a single punch. “We do wish we could disregard terms of healing.†He said, his voice still strong despite his age, but there was always the slightest hint of a raspy wheeze and vocal cracking whenever he spoke. “But you are aware that the healing magicks practised by any mage enforces them to take the pain your feeling away from you before they can effectively heal your wounds.†Denego could only nod, healing magic had indeed come far, but it was not yet refined enough to allow instant healing, no, healers first had to take the pain of the person that they were healing for their own before they could even think of starting the healing rituals. And then even during that there was always the risk of a healer dying simply because the pain was too much for their body to bear, it forced their body to shut down in defence. “Master Ruien. Or Ruien. Is a traitor. You know this so I’m going to get straight to the point here. We cannot let this assassination go unpunished; you two are the only ones that have been trained enough by him to know the way he fights. The terms of your healing are to hunt him down. And end him.†The old veteran concluded, Denego looked at Null through the corner of his eyes and noticed her shrink as they were told this, their chances at living again had just been torn away from them, now they were to go on a suicide mission, looking for the man that very nearly killed them in the first place and fight him once more. Denego simply nodded to his officer, showing that he understood, but deep down he now held a deep fear, his stomach had tightened into an uncomfortable knot and his chest began to feel heavy, as though his lungs were there to do no more than to weigh him down, no, this had not been a single betrayal by Ruien, they had also just been betrayed by the kingdom which they had served so loyally.
Well, I won't go into the mistakes(if it had any) Because i'm no good at spotting them. But I will go into the overall. I think it was very good. I especially found rather interesting the way you incorporated magicks. that was rather amusing. And the story has good potential.
Each paragraph of critique corresponds to a matching one in your story, okay? Pro-Logue = Not a word or valid use of a dash. Prologue. Remember it. Redundant as can be. Of course nothing can ready you for the unexpected, because you did not expect it. No need to know how often she used a weapon. To convey familiarity, adeptness, past, or experience you can use other phrasings of the same basic idea but sound more sensible at the same time. Also, don't use "while being" like that it sounds bad when added as an afterthought. Skeptics are skeptical not sceptical, which is not a word. Blind watcher = oxymoron. It's not deep, it's not metaphorical when used without any context or purpose and just sounds forced overall. Commas set off statements; "The thin red carpet...did nothing to quiet her frantic footfalls, each one beautifully painted..." = Nonsensical. Separate into separate sentences what cannot be crammed into one sentence, your words will have some breathing room and you can understand what is being said better. So this huge run on sentence here should be made into many more that actually convey your thoughts without hurting grammar's feelings. Glares do not bring hope, they make people uncomfortable and sometimes nauseous. Gazes on the other hand are up for more interpretation, as are stares and other ways of viewing people sternly and powerfully. Commas are sometimes used set apart ideas; they should be able to be taken out without any kind of problem. You'd do well to remember that when you fling commas about so haphazardly. Loose turn? You can make a loose turn I suppose but a turn in a hallway or something will not really be loose will it? Why even specify really? Does it matter how large the turn is in the grander scheme of things? If it's in a tower, then shouldn't it be a spiral which can already be visualized without further aid since this has no bearing on any story or plot factors? Fear. Yes, now don't tack it onto the ends of sentences where it doesn't belong. Return of the run on sentences. Split your ideas when it makes sense to. You also use the active voice every so often, it's not like they don't tell us to use it all the time for no reason at all. Commas aren't used in places like, "...then he, began to laugh..." That makes no sense at all, you are not pausing, setting aside an idea or for that matter even listing anything. A comma is uneeded so just leave it out and stop forcing it to si where it gets bullied. The gale is the thing performing the action the clothes are just along for the ride, they aren't doing a thing, if you want to use personification make sure it makes sense. Defense is protecting yourself, defence is not a word and means that these large silver buckles have no purpose. You can just say that he had a hard time keeping himself from laughing long enough to speak another way you sound awkward as is. Arrogance = unrelated to menace. I thought you'd ought to know. It's sensible to stand ones ground against a master fighter who is serious and totally logical to step back when he's arrogant and wide open according to you. -ing = unnecessary to the word; she can stop just as easily without it. Hunting knives are very plebian and gold is not a strong metal, it is a logical fallacy to describe an arm as you have here. Hm. Sloppy transition. it makes this whole thing choppy whenever you switch perspectives. Use more sentences, the periods are crying at being left out like this. Hm... ... Choppy transitions, and use full, correct, and normal length sentences for god's sake! Who'd he train, I thought the other guy was a just a random bit character with no part to play and was sent randomly to stop an important criminal for some reason or another. At least that's what I was told. An impact doesn't hit you, a fist hits you, a leg hits you, a club hits you, my music hits me so hard it makes me sing "Oh my Lord", but impacts don't hit. When things are hit that is impact. Yeah... Yes, surviving that manner of injury is not a miracle even when using hyperbole it's a common occurrence and happens to everyone at least twice. Ew--so awkwardly phrased; I wanna tear this up. A lowly guy like him doesn't allow people to give codenames, which are official and thus only performed by the lowest ranking people with no power or influenceover anybody. Yeah, that one makes perfect sense. Choppiness isn't new but I need to point it out again for emphatic purposes. Forty is not that old. Wrinkling and greying happen after you are over the hill generally, not when you are in your thirties the beginning of which is the time when you are naturally strongest. Again, he's seriously not that old, if you want him to be like this just make him over fifty and be done with it. Pain is a nervous reaction to damage; if there is pain but nothing important is injured you will not die, this is why torture works. Defense. Way to fizzle. Overall this is a very, very immature piece. You have grammatical errors abound and you don't really know what it is you're even saying half of the time. You must think through these things and make sure it makes logical sense because the story doesn't follow a really definite line and leaves out so much necessary to give context and meaning to what you have written. This has the beginnings of a passable piece but it's unfinished right now and only constitutes a very rough draft. Keep trying though, the only way to get better is to keep trying.
Ok, first off let me just say that grammar is the most commonly pointed out thing so I always take that into consideration. Secondly, I'm British so Sceptical and Defence are spelled correctly. The statement in italic was actually an inside joke with some people I know, I just forgot to take it out before I posted it else where. The continual use of the words "Blind Eyes" or some similar variation were not intended to be "deep" nor metaphorical, that is actually meant as a reference for when the story goes into greater depth. Meaning it's nothing more than a referencing tool. Your statement on age is not entirely true, I know a guy who is 42 and his hair has gone past being gray, he is balding, has frequent vocal cracking and has wrinkles. Remember that upbringing, current living style, day-to-day stress, outlook on life, bottled up emotions and repressed memories can actually effect how a person ages. "Yes, surviving that manner of injury is not a miracle even when using hyperbole it's a common occurrence and happens to everyone at least twice." Ok, that confused the hell out of me for a number of reasons. 1) This is entirely irrelevant as this fiction. Written from the perspective of the characters in question, I could just as easily say that they were stabbed in the leg and thought of it as a miracle that they didn't die. The injury could have a 0% chance of being fatal and the characters could still see their survival as being a miracle. 2) So everyone has their throat slashed and the pressure point where their shoulder and neck meet stabbed and then torn apart at least twice do they? That in my minds eye doesn't make much sense, care to elaborate on it? 3) My knowledge on the human body is sketchy at best, I'll admit that, however, as far as I'm aware having your throat slashed has a good chance of cutting the jugular vien and also carries the danger of having your windpipe cut, to which I am pretty sure that either of those can cause death very quickly. And I haven't the faintest idea how pressure points work when they get punctured and the pressure is released. 4) It's stating the obvious, Ruien said before he left that he avoided anything vital, so their deaths weren't very likely at all. I would post more but anything else I find strange eludes me completely right now.
Someone's never had an emergency tracheotomy. All joking aside: I'm sorry that you're British. Sceptical is a new one for me though. Okay, now all joking aside for real: Inside joke = not reader friendly. You act like you don't like readers very much when you leave them in, this is why you edit. Well, my point remains. You do not really have an answer here, I assumed as much as you have just told me and yet that doesn't make it better. When you want to embed things to go back to make sure they are strong enough to stand alone without their buddy "later on" propping them up. I'm simply stating that most people, yes most people, in good physical condition as maybe a soldier might possibly be at one time or another in his life of fighting and running around do not age that badly. I know bald 28 year old people so it's not a matter of not knowing, it's a matter of making sense. Go with the average, not the aberration. It'll get you fewer question marks from readers and fewer snide remarks from me. Sarcasm, man. I was being as sarcastic as text allows and it flew past you, in a big way. That said I did mean to use two commas and forgot to. I should have set aside "even when using hyperbole". So in case you haven't noticed I meant that it was in fact that saying it was a miracle was kind of ridiculous and redundant. Your first point is self answering, pointless, and should not be dignified with an answer. Second point has been addressed earlier in this very post. The third point shows that you need to research rather than make up your facts, and look at the first sentence in this post. Fourth point is answered by your writing. Though he said that just as you said you made it seem as if he were speaking only of the girl, not the random person you added for no reason. If you want to be indignant you can, I have been known to be a ******, but just remember that I'm being nice here and that you should just take or leave my advice that is meant only to help you. So we can have a ****** off here, I'd win, or we could try not to be so disdainful of one another if we can help it. It's your choice not mine.
