Axel's secrets

Hm.

Just wrote this. Tell me what you think.

**********​

It was lonely again.

Kairi stared out at the ocean, the salt air making her heart ache. Why’d he leave her again?

She sighed heavily, tears dancing on the edges of her eyelashes. She wiped at her eyes. “Why, why, why…†she whispered, drawing a broken heart in the sand.

Riku wasn’t there. But that didn’t hurt so bad as Sora leaving again. Sora was her all, her only, and now he was her nothing. “Sora!†She cried out, the tears spilling now. There was no answer.

His last words repeated in her head.

“Don’t be silly, Kairi. The Organization is dead. The nobodies are gone. We have nothing to worry about. We’ll be back in a day or so, okay?â€

They had gone to get a package from Yuffie, and had not come back. She had sent letters, but none had been answered.

Everything was loneliness, black, empty, painful loneliness.

And what could she do about it? She had been told to stay at home- and the last time she hadn’t, there had been major consequences. So what could she do?

“Kairi.â€

The voice startled her. For a minute…

No, it couldn’t be him…

She turned, afraid to see the redhead she knew it was.

But it was not Axel. It was a young girl, with bright red hair, prominent cheekbones, and startlingly green eyes. “Kairi,†she repeated. “What?†Kairi snapped at her. “Come.†She held out her hand. Instinctively, Kairi backed up. Situations like this were never good. “How about no?†She said shakily. “How about you come with me, or… shall we say, a terrible accident will happen to Sora and Riku.†She kept her hand out. “Are you in or out, Kairi?â€

Kairi debated. She could definitely be lying. But…

Sora and Riku… she didn’t want anything to happen to them….

She took the girl’s hand, and as soon as she did, everything went black.

“What did you do?!†She screamed, but the sound was lost. She rubbed her throat, anxious now.

The girl’s eyes shined through the darkness from far off. “Nothing you want to know. Now, come on.†Somebody’s hand found Kairi’s and pulled her. She assumed it was this girl’s, and followed without complaint. (Voiced complaint, anyway.)

Suddenly, she stopped. A light was pouring down on them, then the light dulled, and they were somewhere she recognized with no difficulty- The World That Never Was’s memory skyscraper. “Why’ve you taken me here?†She asked. The girl looked back at her. “This is Memory Skyscraper,†she said, and instantly, tons of images flooded into Kairi’s head.

It was a young woman shrouded by a cloak, talking to Axel in a dark hallway. Axel said something in a low voice, and the lady didn’t respond. Instead, she handed him a bundle. The bundle gave a small cry, then yawned. Axel looked thoroughly shocked. He said something else, and she started crying and shook her head. He looked sad and put her arms around her.

Suddenly, she could hear the conversation. “She has your eyes,†the woman said. Axel almost smiled. “I’m so sorry, Lily,†he said, and she burst into flames.

Unable to believe her eyes, Kairi cried out. “No!†But Axel didn’t hear her. He just looked back down at the bundle and she heard a small giggle. Axel was unamused and put the thing on the ground, on top of the remains of the woman’s cloak.


There was a crack, and Kairi was back. “Why’d you show me that?†She asked the girl, who’s green eyes were cloaked with tears. “Because. It has more ties to you than you think.†She looked into Kairi’s eyes intently. “Kairi. There’s more than one rea Axel wanted to kidnap you.â€

Kairi’s heart seemed to stop beating.

“And what other reasons were there?â€

The girl sighed deeply and more tears came out. She wiped her eyes. “Oh, Kairi,†she started….

 

Omg Omg!! What Happend!?!?!?!?

 

You'll have to wait :P

 

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*dies*

 

xD

Lol :P

Again, you'll just have to wait :P

 

*lays dead-*

 

CLIFFHANGER!!!!! *spazzes*

 

Lol, supposed to be like that :P

At least you guys want to se the next part

 

lol I know... *waits semi-patiently*

 

Very nice story...although there were some problems I found.

The grammar, the sentence structure, some of it is a bit...confusing, and could be improved upon. Also, some words could be replaced with more...target words, but that's nothing wrong with it really.

Now, for some examples...

Everything was loneliness, black, empty, painful loneliness.

Could be:

Everything was loneliness...black, empty, painful loneliness.

In the original sentence, the comma confuses me, and I have to read it twice. Hesitating longer with three periods (or using a semicolon) would help readers to understand it better.

Original:
They had gone to get a package from Yuffie, and had not come back.

Could be:
They had gone to get a package from Yuffie, but had not come back.
A change of conjunction will make it sound better - just a tip, pay attention to what words you use to conjoin the sentence.

Original:
“Why’d you show me that?†She asked the girl, who’s green eyes were cloaked with tears.

Could be:
“Why’d you show me that?†she asked the girl, whose green eyes were cloaked with tears.
Basically, the 'she' should be lower-cased, since it always is after dialogue (except for names of course xD). And well, 'who', 'whose', that's a commonly confused word. But I have to say - I love the words 'cloaked with tears,' it's so vivid in imagery...

Anyhow, for the most part, you did great - you did better than most other writers. :) Also, the story is very intriguing, and I can't wait to happen next! *goes to give you rep*

 

Eesh, grammar nazzi :P

Joking. I'll try to fix those, and rememer them as I'm writing the next part :D

 

Haha, sorry, but as I told you before...I'm super-grammar-critical. xDD

Anyway...again...can't wait for what happens next...be sure to make it just as intriguing! :)

 

Okay, part 2.

I don't like it that much. But oh well. Enjoy! And there is no part 3 for quite a while ;P




Sora looked at Riku. “You know, I think Kairi is probably really worried by now,” Riku sighed. “She’s probably at home spazzing because we aren’t there.” “No kidding,” Sora replied.

They were indeed at Hollow Bastion, but for reasons entirely different than their excuse. In fact, they were being held hostage. Not what they had originally intended.

“I think maybe we should’ve taken up Yuffie’s offer and stayed at Merlin’s house,” Riku said. “Yeah, I’m thinking so.” “Well, too bad!” A voice said. “You’re stuck here, whether you like it or not.” A silver haired boy came into view. “Let us go,” Sora yelled, wriggling against his bonds. “Uh uh uh,” the man said, wiggling his finger. “Not so fast. I need you to tell me where Kairi is.” “We’re not telling you,” Riku said firmly. The boy laughed and got right up in his face. “Then you aren’t leaving.”

Sora growled. “What’s it to you, anyway?” The boy snorted. “Kairi’s about to get a piece of information she’s not supposed to ever have. This information will change her life, and yours too, probably. My job is to make sure she doesn’t get it.” Riku looked sideways at Sora and breathed, “Lies.” “I guess you think you can psyche us out by saying really random stuff!” “That’s not a nice thing to say to someone trying to help you. No matter. Tell me where she is, or things will get…” He paused, and his eyes flashed. “…deadly.” Sora’s eyes widened, but Riku was unfazed. “I’ve been to a living hell and back. Nothing you can do will scare me,” he said defiantly.

“That’s too bad,” the boy said, and turned around, leaving them both.

Sora looked at Riku. “He’s a nutcase,” he said. Riku opened his mouth, shut it, then opened it again. When he spoke, his voice was slightly cracked. “What information do you think Kairi’s getting, that could possibly change everybody’s lives?” Sora shrugged. “It was probably something random.” Riku nodded, but didn’t look swayed.



Kairi watched the girl almost break down right in front of her. “Are you going to tell me or what?” she asked. The girl rubbed her eyes again.

“Sorry.” She paused for a long time, then started talking in a broken voice.

“You may not have noticed…but there was more than one baby in that bundle.” Kairi failed to understand. “So?” “Well, one of those babies was me.” Kairi nodded, her mouth dry. “And the other?”

“The other baby barely surived. The other baby was picked up by some generous soul, who apparently either didn’t notice me or didn’t think me worthy of taking home. Somehow, this baby ended up with a home, a life, and two of the best friends the world could give.” Heart beating exceedingly fast, she whispered, “Who was it?”

The girl sighed and choked down a sob at the same time. “Kairi, isn’t it obvious? It was you.”


Everything faded away. Everything became nothing, and Kairi plunged into a darkness she’d never felt.

 

The grammar's much, much better, although some of it is just a bit...not so smooth, but for the most part it is. :) I love the imagery and it's so intriguing...can't wait for part 3!! Whenever that is!! lol

 

nice story!! interesting take on the 14th member and a connection between Axel and Kairi keep it up

 

Are you serious?!

AGH!!!
Oh my goodness.
I'm once again... addicted to yet another fanfic.
You are talented and I love your choice of words.
Keep up the good work and dont make us wait too long, kay?


*Oh.. and I'm repping you. This story gets you hooked in a milisecond.. and I plan on continuing to read.

 

Excellent job. Chapter 1 was better than Chapter 2, I think. But it's some good writing, which is hard to find in fanfics.

Remember, always start a new paragraph when a new character speaks.

Like this:

Sora looked at Riku. “You know, I think Kairi is probably really worried by now.â€

Riku sighed. “She’s probably at home spazzing because we aren’t there.â€

“No kidding,†Sora replied.

And if only two characters are talking, it's pretty safe to leave off the dialogue tags every once in a while.

 

Dang it I am hooked now i will wonder when the next part will be.