Are you a stand up comic?

Post your jokes here,
Two guys walk into bar what do they say, huh huh?

 

OW!

hahaha
i think ive heard that one before

 

Correct.(^_^)

 

Something around the lines of "So what are you going to have?" they go to a bar to buy a drink, and one of them might ask that to be nice or might be a curious little bugger. Or alternatively they could say "You have some mud on your foot" the friend could conveniently telling them as soon as they walk into the bar that so they can clean up and get rid of, the possibilities are endless. Much like the choice in a Pick 'n' Mix, you could have 4 Jelly Beans, maybe 5 and then their are the other sweets on offer. I could go on and on.

On the other end you could say "Ouch" yes they could be a Sweq equivalent of a human being and walk into a metal bar, or simply the bar in the pub or trip over a Mars bar and fall on their face. That in itself is rather daft, you would consider being more careful where you walk, what's even worse is that both did the same, so both must be rather daft, or some was being ass and took them with them when he fell over a mars bar (if that was possible) or he pushed his friend into a metal bar as a joke and then ironical walk into a bar himself straight after if 2 bars were next to each other.

 

I found this response more humorous ^

Sounds almost Monty Python-y.......

 

Okay, so there's a flood in a village, and the village Priest is on top of the church. A helicopter comes down and tells him to come aboard, but the Priest say "There is no need. The Lord shall send me to safety."

About half an hour later, a white helicopter comes by and tells him the same thing, but the confident Priest still says "That's not necessary; The Lord will save me."

Another half-hour later, the Church collapses and the Priest dies. While he's in Heaven, he askse God "Why didn't you save me?"

God sighs and tells him. "I tried to. Have you ever heard of a white helicopter before?"

 

me chinese me play joke me put pee-pee in ur coke!

me cowboy me shoot fast me shoot bullet up ur a$$

 

bug joke

a termite walks in to a bar and asks is the bar tender here?

Now think about it.

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do you get it is the bar tender as in soft

 

ohhh now i get it lol i guess

 

Because it involves ranting on about alot of bull**** quite intellectual. <>

 

You're one if you actually stand up and perform in front of an audience. Save for DA this is a circle jerk for jokes found on Google.

 

They say piss off, I'm watching Chris Rock...

 

I had this friend in high school, who was a good guy, but he hung around the wrong kind of crowd. This crowd smoked a lot and usually every time they got high. The more he saw, the more he wondered and wanted to know what it was like to get high. Finally, after so long, he smoked some pot...only he didn't know how much it would take for him to get high, so he smoked about six or seven joints...

Later the day he first smoked, I went to his house and found him in his room. He was sitting on a stool, tilted. His legs were tucked up underneath him, so he couldn't see them, and he was also crying. I asked, "What's the matter?" He looked up, and started yelling, "Dude! Dude!" I raced to him, "What? What's wrong?! What?!"

"GO GET 'EM!"

I looked at him, "...get what?!" The guy saw his legs separate themselves from him, and run off without him.

I thought I'm never going to get a chance like this again, said "Okay!" and ran out the room. I heard him fall to the floor from crying, while I was falling to the floor from laughter. After about five minutes (his crying didn't help any) I came back in, looking sad. I said to him, my cap in my hand, "...Dude your legs just got run over by a car."

"NOOOOO!" he fell to the floor, and rolled his way out the door, down the hall, and I fell to the floor again as well.

The next day I went to school, doing my normal routine, and after awhile I thought, I wonder what happened to him... As if on cue, here he comes down the other end of the hall, swaying slightly and with a huge bandage on his forehead. I start laughing all over again, and eventually he sees me, and yells, "Dude, that's not funny!! You knew I was high!!"

I knodded, "Yup!"

 

okay... I have a joke... ^^


There were three guys on a mountain. It was a magical mountain... so if you jumped off of it, you would shout a word and you would turn into whatever that word was. So the first guy jumped off of the mountain and shouted "Pidgeon", so he turned into a pidgeon and flew away. The second guy jumped off of the mountain and said "Eagle" and then he turned into an eagle and flew away. The third guy jumped off of the mountain and said "WEEE!!!" so he fell all the way to the bottom and died.

My question: WTF WERE THEY DOING JUMPING OFF OF A MOUNTAIN?! XD XD

okay... yeah... my jokes suck... >_>

 

O.K. a blonde girl with an ipod walks into a barber shop. She gets seated, and the barber said "can you take off you headset please". She said no. so he tries to take it off her. So she said "NO i need those on to live!". So he thinks shes lying, so he just takes off the headset and she falls on the floor dead. He was very curious on what she was listing to. so he puts on the headset and he heard these words "breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out"

Hey, I called your boyfreind gay and he hit me with his purse! lol

 

Mah Jokes of DDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM

destiny star: The dude that said
'weeee' needed to go bathroom so he said 'weee' instead of a bird?
xD

my joke:

There's a plane falling down to earth. There's an indian Chinese and Aussie.
The indian chucks off some chopstiks and says
'We have to many of those.
The chinese chuks off some rice and says
'we have to many of that'
Finally, the aussie chucks off the chinese and says
'we have too many of those'

._.
Boring...
i learnt that at my sleepover party..
xDD

oh! oh! PICK MEE!!!
I'll just say B1 (Blonde1) B2 (Blonde2)

There is 2 blondes. They buy kittens.
B1 said
'How are we gonna tell them apart?'
B2 said
'how about we but ribbons on them'
B1 + B2 put different coloured ribbons on their kittens.
The next day,
B2 said
'Nope, they ripped them off while playing'
B1 said
'How about Collers?'

They put collers on thier cats. The next day
B1 said
'Nope, they pulled them off while playing'
They thought for several hours unti...
B2 said.
"How about you have the black one and i have the white one?'


Get ittt!!???!?!?!?
._.
*Silence*
Damn you all.
*Walks away*