I know, I know... No one likes a sad sob story. Most of you know me on here pretty well, or only a little bit. Most of you already gave me advice saying "It'll be okay." But things have been getting worse for me lately. And this feeling I'm having inside of me is gnawing me to death. Literally. It may not seem anything to anyone, but it's pretty big to me and it's seriously drowning me. No one likes a pessimistic, most people get annoyed with those that are thinking of suicide or seriously hurting themselves... But I need help. I need help really bad from friends, from anyone really that will care. You don't have to read through this if you don't want to though. It'll be pretty long anyways... And I don't know if you guys will have the time to read through it. But I appreciate it if you just glanced at it... So thanks for that ahead of time. What I've been struggling with so badly are Loneliness and Friendships. It may not seem like it to most, or it may seem like it, but I hide my negative feelings and try to give off a positive side to people. Then when I start going down hill, I drop little hints here and there to see if anyone would notice (because I'm too freaking scared to ask anyone for help usually), and then I usually just finally break down and nothing seems clear to me anymore. With that, I think I hurt a lot of close friends on this site, off this site, anywhere really, with my negative emotions. I believe I hurt people, annoy them, and bother them too much. Why? Because everyone eventually becomes way too busy to talk to me, I feel ignored, I get blunt replies from people I use to call my best friends, or they just don't talk or respond to me at all, or they do or say things that hurt me so much to the point where I can't take it anymore and I just want to disappear and cry and sob. I've been seriously hurt by a best friend lately. I kept the emotions in up the point where the Crisis Line was called and those were a couple of lonely days. My friend used me as a scapegoat (And I let them, because before when I exposed their lie, they said I took their choice to tell the truth themselves away from them) to cover up a lie to their parents, saying I lied about something, trust was broken with their parents and me, even when the truth was told (was going to threatened to be kicked out of the house it was that bad), went home (was in Texas for a year for college, another story), and then everything rushed up on me. Their parents even made me pack ALL of my belongings in my room they had for me, even though I told them I would be back for a second year of college. And my friend's dad said I could pay for my own boxes... And these were people who saw me as another daughter to them. Then while I was gone, their parents kept asking me over and over again if I was going to stay at my parents or not. And finally, I got the impression they didn't want me anymore and wallah. I moved everything back to my house. Thus comes to this day. I sent my friend a letter, based on the advice of their mom, to tell them how I felt. I did, I said how I felt betrayed and about my struggles I've been having and it hurt a lot, but I didn't want to be angry at them forever. I got no response from them, and soon their mom stopped talk to me too. She even liked my status when I said I was going to leave Facebook because I was struggling too much and needed to leave... And that hurt a lot. They kept ALL of my games (All but one were bought by me, and most of those were Kingdom Heart games and Sonic games) and both of the PS2's (and one of them was given to me and my friend didn't give it to me when I came to get my stuff because "The cords weren't all there for it") And now? Losing a person I was friends with for nine years really has impacted me up to the point where I think I really don't deserve any friends anymore. I mean, I got pretty close with some people on this website, and we don't talk much anymore. And truthfully, it hurts. But I don't know what to say to all of you anymore because I don't know if you're mad at me or what or if you're too busy to be bothered my me. And I understand that, or at least try to the best I can. I'm getting professional help. I'm getting therapy, strong medication for anxiety, depression, and insomnia, but I know meds are not the answer to problems really, and therapy just makes me even more depressed. I just feel like I can't take anything at all these days. I'm afraid to get too close to people now because I might hurt them or they'll leave me without telling me why, or hurt me or use me... But then I get desperate for any friends. And then sometimes that lands me into trouble. Maybe I'm selfish, or being a big brat. But I'm so, so, so, so tired of feeling lonely and breaking friendships. I wanna trust. And I open up way too much to people in the beginning so if they reject me, it won't hurt so much (heck, I'm feeling like I'm saying too much here, but then again this is only the tip of the ice berg of what's really going on in my head). I wanna stop crying every night and hide my emotions because no one can handle me when I get really down. I want to start BEING happy instead of ACTING happy I don't want to depend on medications to keep me from trying to commit suicide again or to hurt myself or to get to sleep and not toss and turn all night or have bad dreams all the time. Just... any words. Be truthful. I need anything right now. If it hurts, fine. Maybe I deserve that. I just don't really know anymore... And thank you to those who have talked to me to try to help me feel better... It helps a little bit. Just anything will do right now.
Wow....Sorry, I'm just astonished at the way friendships can go. As I read this, I had to read over the story again to understand where you deserved this? I mean, I don't know if your friend and their parents had a good reason to...you know, betray you like they did. I mean, seriously, the mom LIKED that status? That seems to me just plain mean. Everything that happened to you, I would understand that you're hurt. I think everybody deserves a friend. I would not be the first person to talk to about this, because this has never happened to me (although some of my OC's sometimes have that same mindset...I think, but that's besides the point) and I don't know how you're feeling, AND, on top of that, I don't know you, but....well, yeah. I think everybody deserves a friend here or there. I'll be keeping you in my prayers, Sonicfan23
I also had a best friend for, like, 7 years or so, now we barely talk to each other. I understand that it hurts to lose someone you've been friends with for over 9 years, but based on my experience; I learned to move on. I wouldn't say that we aren't friends any more, just that we're not that close as we used to be, I think that's what your relationship is with that friend. How about your other friends? Have you ever thought about them? So don't you even think that you don't deserve friends any more. Having a friend is a gift; and like those other material gifts you receive, no matter how much you think you don't deserve it, someone thinks you're worth it. Besides, I think I you're awesome, I never had the guts to share these kind of stuff. I'd be your friend if you'd want to.
I can sort of relate to this. I know how it feels like to lose a friend, and I'm afraid of getting friends 'cause I feel like they'll leave me anyway. Here's the thing, you're not a bad person. If you lied then learn from your mistakes. (Sorry for my advice it's just really hard to respond to something like this.) Anyway, you deserve another chance and another friend. If they still haven't forgiven you then they're just mean. You might want to let go of the past and forget all of it and just move forward. Hope you feel better, and if you need a friend you can always ask me.
I probably deserved this because I did little white lies before. Just for a house key once, which that exploded into drama with other drama. Maybe I did other things, but I don't remember. I just remembered being stressed out all the time being at the house and being criticized for this and that (like I left cupboards open because I forgot to close them when I was done, didn't clean off my plate because I forgot, being scolded for complaining about work because I worked a 32 hour week with a 15 credit hour school week (then was told to to relax and not worry about it. -__-), I did house chores, but what I did was never enough. I get in trouble for talking about my friend's weird behavior to them since my friend always shut down when I told her how I was feeling and it could be negative, but they told me to do that if it happens instead of bottling it up and then they freaking never say anything to me afterwards and I have to apologize for being mean and cruel to her. I just could never do anything right, and I felt so horrible and lonely and just ready to explode for real. They told me to stop crying though, then later they told me I could cry. It was just Topsy Turvy world when I was living there but my family couldn't support me at the time. The dad never talks to me anymore because he overheard from "another source" that I thought his blessings for me (he gave some sort of special, personal blessings to me to try to help me through my difficult times) were repetitive and it was coming from just him. Not God. And he brought that up when it came time to confront the big drama. And I had to tell him it wasn't what I meant, that I meant the blessings were repetitive, so maybe I was suppose to learn something for myself, and at one point he expressed he was tired of giving them to me. And the first thing that came out of his mouth when we were having a group discussion about this was "What's your problem." And they listed stuff like I don't know how to be happy, I don't hang out with them and watch their shows and I told them before I didn't like the shows they watched, and that I would go hide in my room and not talk to them (because I wouldn't know what to say to them because either they were going to criticized me, belittle me, or help me), made the point that my time to experience a year away from home was up and that maybe if I felt like it I should go home... Just one thing after another... But thanks for the prayers. And you don't have to understand how I feel. I just appreciate that you replied to me. We were like siblings to each other (my friend and I), and they even gave me a big speech of how I've been their big sister and covered for them when they needed it and they were sad because my friend's parents talked bad behind my back and my friend got off the hook a lot just before they made the choice to betray me and I trusted them to make the right choice because... that's how much I seriously cared about them I guess. But on of my good buddies at the time told me never to give anyone that option again to lie or to tell the truth. And I guess I'm very clingy at times, because I'm too flipping scared to be alone all over again like I was in my preteens on up. I try to think of my other friends, but sometimes it just seems like they care one minute, and then they don't care the next minute. Maybe it's the delusions of my anxiety and depression, because it's hard to see good things like everyone else. And I'm afraid they're going to betray me too, or seriously hurt me and screw me over, or just leave me like other friends have in the past. I can't count the number of times it happened on my fingers (especially on this website), but I think it's cause of me and I hurt them, or annoyed them, or something I don't know... And I feel so guilty and ashamed that I can't even hold on to a friend for a couple of months now. It just feels like when I finally make a friend, it's like holding on to a present from Captain Hook and it has a bomb in it and it's going to explode in my face any time. Thank you so much for that. But it's really up to you if you want to be my friend or not.[DOUBLEPOST=1350440163][/DOUBLEPOST] No, no. I appreciate anything right now. Thank you so much. As I've said, it's kind of hard for me to let go because I feel clingy and like I'm just going to be left alone forever because they're the only people I have left... And I feel so bad for it. And thanks for the offer, but it's hard for me to go straight up to people and ask them "Hey, can I talk to you?" because I don't know what they're going to say at all.
