well I got bored and I LOVE to write soooooo... CHAPTER 1 "Excuse me, Excuse me, MOVE!!!" With all of his might he shoved through the last of the crowd and lost his balance. He sat down hard on his butt. The grass was soft but it still hurt. He stood up and brushed himself off, glaring at the mass of people. He looked to be about 12 with raven black hair that hung to his jaw and silvery, hazel eyes. He wore a tan tunic and a grayish cloak fastened at the throat with light brown, leather boots. Taking a deep breath, he walked up to a table sort of thing and looked up. A man was standing at the podium, hands on it, craning his neck down to see him."What's your name, son?" he asked. "K-Kelvin, sir. I'm here to join the mission." The man looked stunned. "Well, erm, I'm sorry but the youngest we take are 16 year olds," he said apologetically. He smiled sadly, "I'm sure your family needs you," he suggested. Suddenly Kelvin's face turned to stone and his eyes were cold. "My family is dead." And with that, he turned and walked away. sorry thats all I could think of for now
O.o o.o o.O ...Continue plz. I likey so far. Re-check your sentence structure, and I think I saw a spelling error.. Hold on, I'll edit this with what I had a prob. with. EDIT: "Whats your name, son," I know its small, but I have problems. Also, since this lil' intro is kinda small, even this tiny error looks big. Well, you'll need an apostrophe, so it'll be "What's your name, son," Another thing. I think you need a question mark instead of the comma after son. So, it'll look summat like this: "What's your name, son?". Hmm... Oh! Here's another wee little thing I found wrong. He smiled sadly. "I'm... It might be better if you take out the period, and put a comma. This will let peeps know that the person smiles sadly right before he says what he says. One last thing, (you must hate me by now): This isn't like, mandatory, but it'll make the reader's reading experience easier. Press the enter key every time the person speaking in the dialogue changes. Soo... CHAPTER 1 "Excuse me, Excuse me, MOVE!!!" With all of his might he shoved through the last of the crowd and lost his balance. He sat down hard on his butt. The grass was soft but it still hurt. He stood up and brushed himself off, glaring at the mass of people. He looked to be about 12 with raven black hair that hung to his jaw and silvery, hazel eyes. He wore a tan tunic and a grayish cloak fastened at the throat with light brown, leather boots. Taking a deep breath, he walked up to a table sort of thing and looked up. A man was standing at the podium, hands on it, craning his neck down to see him. "What's your name, son?" he asked. "K-Kelvin, sir. I'm here to join the mission." The man looked stunned, "Well, erm, I'm sorry but the youngest we take are 16 year olds," he said apologetically, smiling sadly, "I'm sure your family needs you." he suggested. Suddenly, Kelvin's face turned to stone, and his eyes were cold. "My family is dead." And with that, he turned and walked away. Like I said, all suggestions. I can't wait for the next part, this looks like it could be VERY good. Note: I underlined everything I changed.
thanks and yeah I probably did have an error, I was typing really fast and forgot to hit spell check :sweatdrop:
No rush, - any good work of literature needs to be taken seriously, and methodically to bring out its full potential... Probably why there are so many people who don't like writing. But yeah, sorry for becoming ****... Yep, u did spell suddenly wrong. I added it to my "Corrections Report", like, seconds after emo pengwin noticed.
naw its ok and yeah sorry, typing fast+me=spelling errors the chapters coming soon I'm almost done!! Here it is!!!!!!!!!!! CHAPTER 2 part 1 He ran for all he was worth when he got out of sight. Tears streaming down his face, he pumped his arms and put his head down. He shot off. Now running with your head down is ok but not when there is a rather large rock looming up ahead. Kelvin didn't even see it. It caught his foot and sent him flying. He landed on his side and rolled down a steep hill that ended in the river. It didn't even register with him what had happened and by the time it did it was too late. Splash He went under. The clothes that had, moments ago, been warm and light became heavy and cold, threatening to drag him under further. He opened his eyes and tried to swim up but his clothes were dragging him down. He continued to try and was begining to lose his breath. He started to panic, now just flailing around. His strenght was going. Slowly his eyes closed and he went limp, sinking downward. Suddenly a hand grabbed his. The hand was attached to a slender arm and a girl who looked about 12 too. Her golden hair was undone and floating gently. Her eyes were a soft blue color and were kind but there was determination in them too. She pulled him up to the surface and akwardly dragged him to the bank. the reason I'm writing part one and part two is because we are doing fall cleaning and this is my break time and I have to work and then I get a break so when I get my next break I'll do part 2
