Alice In Murderland

Omg, I love it!

Moar chapters soon plez? 8D

 

Typical.....and cliche death...but that doesn't mean it's bad.

Skittles is awesome in this story.

 

I had to add one or two cliche deaths...
'


But their are two refences in that chapter...geuss what they are..


And i thought you would e mad Miele that you had a nut allergy attack >.<

Skittles is an awesome person, it's so easy to take advange of her pervy side

 

I'm listening to a song, and damn...evil. xD I love it all, blood, evil, secrets...all good. I'll be waiting for more.

 

Oh, it's okay, I'm used to having them xD

Just only thing is I'm not allergic to peanuts (Thank god because I live of peanut butter cups)

 

Yeah, E...Youre up next, and you like miele and you BoTHER her


JKJK...but you do like someone in teh story.


NOBODY GOT THE REF. in this part, at all?

 

Imma quote that miele...

But nobody got the ref. to two movie at all T___T that makes me sad...

Bun Bun is one...From OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB

two more, i forgot one >.<

 

"The Wizard of Oz" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer".

Amazing story, Rayku.

 

well....that's why I said cliche. >.>

I don't even watch host club but my friend does...Mr. Bun Bun.

 

I'm quite eager. Perhaps we shall discover Milly's killer.

 

Part TWO

Alice got up from laughing on the floor and said “I got to go to the bathroom, anybody want anything from the Vending machine?” She ask the girls in a giggle. Skittle grabbed her and hugged her close and said “Get me my children…MY COLORFUL CHILDREN!” She gasped as she had crocodile tears came “Allright Skittles! I shall save them..and a billons of coke for you Miele?” She asked her. “You know they are my drug Alice…” she laughed as Alice walked out the door, and walked down the hall towards the bathroom.

But suddenly she knocked into someone and fell on her bottom. “Ow…I am very sorry…” A pale hand reached out to her and said “Are you okay, M’lady?” he had very pale skin and very dark and foreign green eyes, Alice’s face turn deep red and said “I-I am fine..My name is Alice…What’s yours?” She also noticed he had a black top hat and a suit on with a cane. “My name is Prym…” He kissed her hand and her heart jumped. “I’ll see you later, My dear…” He walked away and Alice was pounced on by Skittles and Miele. “So…who was that hunk of man?” Skittles said as Miele laughed. “Oh…that was..” But she stopped midsentence and Miele gasped “OH GOD! It’s E!” She ran behind Alice and he approached the group.

He was a cute guy…Just one problem, He had a crush on Miele…But she had a boyfriend back home in Australia named Jerome. “Hey Alice..Skittles, I just saw Miele…she’s right behind you.” Miele got up slowly and said “Hi…E, what do you want?” She said bored. E got closer and said “I Just want a date..” He almost touched her arm when a scream was heard. “SUPER SKITTLES DROP KICK!!!” A kick was made on his head and he was knocked out “Let’s go!” they ran to the bathroom and entered. Alice noticed the all the showers were on, and their was blood trickling down to the drains. “Guys…” Alice prodded them and pointed towards the blood. “Eww….” Miele said as she walked towards the stall and screamed “MILLY’S DEAD!” She fell into the water and pointed into the first stall. Skittles ran to the stall and took out her cell phone. Alice was fixaded towards the bathroom mirrors, written in blood said.
“ALICE, YOUR NOT IN WONDERLAND ANYMORE!!!”

 

Great, just one liner. xD Nice, I get knocked out and have to wait for...HOW long until I wake up? Two hours? XD

 

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????!!!!!" XD Nah, I'm guessing "Skittles colorful children"? Or how about the classic "Alice, you're not in wonderland anymore..."? I'd say two things....but no.

 

Holy shit, I'm a god in this story...

<33333

"Super Skittles Drop kick", that's a classic.
<3333​

 

No, I'll still kick your two timing ass, but a long as I'M FUCKING KILLER/AWESOME in this story, I can't wait for what for what's to come.
<333

I love it, I haven't laughed so hard before.

KEEP UP THAT KILLER WORK!!
>DDD​

 

You made me and Scarlet complete pervs... Yup, you nailed it, my friend. >D

I like it, keep it just as gory and fix up the grammar and it'll be great.

 

DDDD:<

The light of the colorful sky best bring me back!!

DDD<

I can't Die, not even almost... unless I'm like gonna die, and then I like grope someone, and then live. xDD​

 

I'd like to say right now that I'm just pointing out a things you might wanna work on. I'm not trying to tell you what to do really I just think that your writing has the potential to be better if different decisions were made with the words themselves.

Red is a misspelled word that I've made an attempt at correcting.
Blue is incorrect grammar that I've tried to correct.
Purple is a questionable stylistic decision in my opinion.
Nothing I say is guaranteed to be accurate or even close to being so, I'm just a girl trying to lend a hand. Sorry if I seem a bit arrogant or impolite in doing this.

 

ummm....spam way to much?

You have an interesting concept in changing the original story and giving it a new twist, however, your sentences sound bland, dialogue should be formatted better, and you have a number of spelling problems. The chapters are also i feel just barely squeaking into existance as chapters and they need more description about the setting without speeding up the plot which you have been doing.

 

CHAPTER 3 is UP!!

Chapter 3




“Life is but a dream…”



The flashing red and blue lights covered the dark hallways of the school. Police were scattered everywhere like mice on the school grounds. The zipper’s sound of Milly’s body bag closing stuck within Alice’s mind to haunt her forever.
“Why…Would they kill Milly!” Alice cried into Miele’s shoulder. “This cannot be happening at a boarding school, It just cannot happen!”

Alice cried more while Skittles just stood there in shock, unable to say anything for once in her life to help Alice. The world just seem…darker for her now because of Milly’s death.

“Who is sick enough to kill someone in school?” Miele said to the air, addressing nobody. “Nobody can have such a vendetta on Milly to kill her!” Miele patted Alice’s back, but Alice moved away.

“I’ll be right back…” Alice said as she walked away from them, Miele reached out for Alice but Skittles shook her head no.

“That guy…he must be here..” Alice thought as she turned to a empty hallway, and sure enough. Hiding in the shadows was Prym, a sly smile that ran across his face.

“You called, Milady?” Prym said as he bowed and took of his top hat for respect.

“I know you know something about the stabbing, SPILL!” Alice got up to Prym with demand, the hate burning in her eyes.


“Let’s just say I am the Cheshire Cat in this story, Skittles better not lose her head…” He chuckled and moved away from the wall.

“What are you going to do to Skittles! TELL ME!” Alice screamed at him and he laughed again, but with more amusement then before.

“But…that would ruin the fun, Alice.” He chuckled at the thought. “Why so glum? It’s not you who’s dead…your friend Skittles, on the other hand…Might not be so lucky!” He cackled and walked away and turned the corner. Alice ran after him, but bumped into a tall man with a beard.

“You must be Alice Rodwood…correct?” The tall man said to Alice. “My name is Eric Carrol, I am the part of the police department looking into this case?” Alice sighed and said

“What do you want?” She had a cold edge in her voice. She didn’t want to deal with police today after what happened.

“I just need to ask-“ Mr.Carrol said but he was cut off by Alice,

“Leave me alone!” She pushed her way passed him and headed towards her room. He just stood there and walked down the opposite direction. Alice got her key out, but the door opened and Miele grabbed her hand.

“Were going to see E, NOW!” She said with such anger that it scared Alice.

“But where’s Skittles?” Alice asked to Miele.

“Read this, E has her…that *******!” Miele handed Alice a note that read.

“You didn’t want to go on a date with me? FINE! I have your colorful friend hostage in a broom closet in the school. Meet you in the school yard, babe. XOXOXO E-.”

They turned to the grassy lawn and saw E standing there. Miele let go of Alice’s hand. E’s hands were out to hug her.

“Come here baby!” He said, he didn’t get to say anything else as Miele’s fist hit E’s mouth hard. He fell to the ground with a thud and yelled at her. He had a face they never seen before. Like something out of a horror movie.

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!”

Miele picked him up and slammed him onto the wall and slammed her knee into his nuts.
“Where the hell is she! You *******!” She slammed him into the wall again and he answerd with blood dripping from his mouth.

“Near the nurses office…” She let go of him and kicked him in the gut hard, Alice was stuck, she never saw Miele this mad…

Soon enough they had gotten to the closet next to the nurse’s office, and Miele had opened the door. The room was empty as it always is.

“She’s not there Alice…” she punched the wall and walked away.

“Where can she be?” Alice thought to herself. “What does E want to do to her…”

Somewhere in the basement of the school there was Skittles, she was blindfolded and shaking from the severe cold. She was dropped into a vat of water before she got locked in here. Skittles heard footsteps near her and she moved away, scared at what might happen to her.

“Let’s play a game, Skittles…” The voice said coldly with a hint of amusement. Skittles started to cry, She knew deep in her heart... She was going to die.

I knew i promised AXEL 000 a spot, you have a greater role in the next chapter...which might be posted on tuesday..>.<

ONE REF. this one