A poem about my school

Alright, it’s been a while since I posted here. Feel free to criticise again. Tell me what needs to be improved.

It’s about school, mine in particular.

EVERLASTING TORTURE
As I lay in my bed
Comes another day of dread
The torture, the pain,
The wind, the rain
Is all running through my twisted head

I don’t want to go back to that hell-like place
With ditchers and *****es and everything I hate
It’s a prison over there
And no one will care
That for home, I just can’t wait

My head, it’s a strong cyclone
And now I’m in my crappy zone
It’s like I want to lie
It’s like I need to cry
Now, I want to just be alone

Then I see your everlasting smile
And the sadness that I had to pile
Sure it’s a prison there
Sure no one will care
Except you, and for that, I go for a while

Any comments???

 

Second verse, first line. The "Place" is out of place, if you get my meaning. It does not rhyme with Hate or with Wait.

Nice poem, not so nice school. (Then again, I think "Nice school" is an oxymoron)

 

heh heh, ^_^' sorry about that. I'm not good with rhyming words.

 

Did fine with everything else.


You could try and work one of the following in instead.
ate
bait
date
fate
gait
Kate
Late
Mate
Nate
Rate
Sate


Just trying to help.

 

It's a good poem, and truth. A lot of school-goers feel like you ..

Someone just finished death note *points to Nate* xD

 

>.>

<.<

Maybe...

 

You forgot an e in the title.
Anyway, it's a solid poem. Strong and smoothly flowing.
I see the link with your threads in Help With Life.
I hope things will get better for you soon.
:)

 

Or...maybe it's supposed to be like that?
And i really like it, too.
Me too!
Have fun in school!
It's what i try to do!

 

Sorry about the e. ^_^'
Thanks a lot man!
:roll:

 

Shadow of Sephiroth, that was very well typed. I really enjoyed reading it, with all the ryhming and emotions in it. I have nothing to critique on this poem, it's very good.

 

Thanks Rinoa!

thanks mex! This has got to be some sort of record.

1. the most number of replies I've gotten in this section
2. The most number of compliments I've gotten for my work

Its almost scary, actually

 

this is really nice

its really teen driven, and for its purpose its perfect.

its really good SoS.

 

I really like it! It seems to flow very well, and I can sort of relate to it. I just like it overall and have nothing bad to say. I look forward to reading more of your work!