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Grammar Errors: No ifs, ands, or buts, these are just wrong and need to be fixed. That is, if you don't mind.

• "a place where they come together" could be "a place where they'd/would come together" or "a place where they came together", or you could just reword the sentence.
• "A lanky man". Hayner? Young adult/man at oldest. Saying "man" makes it sound like this is in the far future, which it doesn't seem to be.
• "He was stubborn, determine, honorable, and full of sarcasm." determined, rather than determine.
• "This went on for a few hours, Pence sitting on a piece of furniture". "This went on for a few hours, with Pence" or "This went on for a few hours. Pence was sitting on a piece of furniture".
• "Hayner was writing his essay that his teacher ("It's not fair that Seifer's dad is our teacher! Come on!") made him write after the incident. " ", and Hayner was writing his essay, which his teacher made him write after the incident." You can keep the between text with the speech, but my focus isn't on correcting what doesn't need to be corrected. What incident? Did I miss something?
  
• "Olette was still reading the book, almost finished." Should be something like "Olette was still reading the book; almost finished." or "Olette was still reading the book, and was almost finished with it."
  
• "usual energetic trio" *usually
  
• "Pence furiously taping the keys" *tapping or *typing That is, unless his keyboard fell apart and now he's tasked with taping them all back in. Poor Pence; I can see this sort of thing happening to him.
  
• "turning a page, those were the sounds they made." *"turning a page; those were the sounds they made."
• "Pence who was still typing" *"Pence, who was still typing"
• "too long, before" ,=unnecessary

For reading ease: Caused some confusion due to an error in syntax, but it isn't necessary to change unless you want to be more clear in your narration.

• "But it was theirs nonetheless" seems a bit superfluous, as you have nothing to compare it to and you just described the room as being theirs. If it were me, I'd alter the sentence to fit this "But it was theirs nonetheless; their "Usual Spot"." just to strengthen the general nostalgia.
• "His eyes were usually brown, were bloodshot from", could be something like "His eyes, which were usually brown, were bloodshot", but even that is a little confusing; redeyes don't change the color of the irises, and so the eyes will always be brown regardless of restlessness. So, you should maybe go with "His brown eyes, normally bright and alert, were bloodshot".
• "His name is Hayner"... welllllll this isn't technically wrong. As a rule of thumb, keep stories to one tense. You seem to use a past tense for everything else, so going with a present tense out of the blue can confuse the reader. Now, this is one of those instances where, with fiction, you can make any "mistake" you like, just so long as you know you're breaking a rule. Sometimes, artistically, you can make "errors" to give the story a certain style, but this is better done before being told what the rule is, otherwise it's changing your style to fit someone else's tastes.
• "Olette can hardly wait until next year". It's the same as the previous one on this list. Regard with caution mixing tenses.
• "could have no curfew anymore". The phrasing sounds like she could or could not have a curfew. If the message you're trying to convey is "she wouldn't a curfew anymore", then I would go with that rephrasing.
  
• "he keeps up in a red and white". Your tenses are quickly becoming a tenses match. hehehe... get it? Tennis? Tenses? Oh, forget it. Seriously though. Again. Tenses.
  
• "He's not as pale as Olette and Hayner". Tensssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssss.
  
• "stretched her neck then walked over to Pence" *"stretched her neck, then walked over to Pence".
  
• "watching him glaring" *"watching him glare"

Summary:

Plot:
I like the general idea of looking a this familiar concept through the eyes of characters we know. It gives us a new, unique vantage point, and that in itself is nice. However, just because it's short doesn't mean that all actions have to be rushed. Paint a picture; don't just go from 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, but instead try to have layers within each step that makes the characters more lifelike and relatable. I would like to see where you go with this, and especially at the part featuring the clock tower and the three nobodies eating Sea Salt Ice Cream together.

Grammar:
You seem to struggle with unnecessary comma usage and tenses. Conjunctions are your friends, and not every few words that sounds like an introductory clause is an introductory clause. Keep one tense through the whole story. There were very few spelling errors,

I provided...like...one line before. This is the first one I'm actually proud of.

I don't think that counts...0.0?

One of those elephants realizing you are correct at the same time I do.

I'm taking it as "Sandbox" mode for the moment. Normal players will know there's elements in every game that we can basically operate from. Towns, Shops, Gyms, the Wild, etc etc etc...

I mean, I just had my three characters live in a random, unnamed town and went from there to tell a story; and Myst liked that post. From that, I can gather we have just a bit of free reign as long as our scenarios make sense.

Well, if you want it all, you can't have it.

*Clicks link without reading the second line*

Oh hey, this looks interesting.

*Reads the second line*

...

Just think. Any of us can just put that address in our own browser and steal this gym girl out from under you. You may not be gullible, but you must also not be very clever. HAHAHAcorr




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"WATCH IT WITH THE FLAMETHROWER, WILL YOU?!?!" Evie had to duck her head to avoid a river of flame spewing from Flarabelle's mouth. Evie was just rising as the flames died down and were punctuated by a drunken, meek "urp... scuze me..." Evie sighed exasperatedly as she took the sake set up in hand, cleared the kitchen table of empty bottles, and wiped up spills. Luckily, they lived in an apartment where the walls were fire-proof---Evie was always glad she'd had that foresight---, but this was the third time in the month that she'd walked out from the hallway to almost be scorched by a blast of sake-fueled belching. Evie's brown eyes were pulsing with intense rage as she dumped the glass in the sink and the empty bottles in the recycling bin.

"Do...t... spucha spoill pert..." Flarabelle was ten sheets to the wind and barely conscious enough to speak before her pretty face splatted into the wooden table with a thunk and her red locks flopped around her clogged noggin. Evie moved closer ever so carefully, and was relieved when she heard the sound of impossibly loud snoring. She shook her own head and took her older, larger sister over her shoulder in a fireman's lift and adjusted for the extra weight before she made the usual journey from the kitchen table to Flarabelle's bedroom. The elder sister was draped onto her bed and tucked in with her head at an angle and tilted so that anything else that wasn't fire wouldn't almost asphyxiate her like it had once when Evie was younger. Taking care of her sibling, Evie rubbed her sore back and shoulders; Flarabelle was skinny, save for the rather obvious reserves in the spots Evie lacked, but she was harder to carry than she looked. "You sound like a sleeping Snorlax, you know that, right?" Evie took a jab at her sister's obtrusive noises that were, indeed, not too far off from a sleeping Snorlax's. Of course, Flarabelle couldn't hear her. The lights were out, and it was about time Evie would make her rounds at the shops to pick up the groceries they would need... maybe she'd play Caretaker and not buy anymore Sake, but... it was pointless.

Flarabelle would lose another audition somewhere eventually, and the process of the moment would repeat itself all over again one way or another. It not only pained her to see her that way, but it broke her heart and confused her too. Flarabelle had always been so talented---Self-centered, arrogant, and a diva to put all others to shame, but talented---, yet could number her jobs within the past year on one hand and mirror the sum on the other for how many times she'd been fired.

Evie took a solemn, reflective moment to look down at her pitiable sister. This proved to be disastrous however, as a sudden eruption of blame (burped flamed) caught her tail on fire and sent her running out of the house to douse the flame. Grumbling all the way back to the door, she locked the door for her sister's safety and own good before taking the road in town towards the grocery store.

She never saw the shadow from across the street descend upon the locked door and crush the handle to pull it out of the metal doorway with the lock attached. Evie never heard a thing as Tria broke into her home.

Pokemon Gijinka: Mightyena
Nickname: Tria
Favorite Moves: Strength, Thief, Sucker Punch, Dark Pulse
Nature: Crime is her life, her rush. Crossing her unleashes her powerful temper, and she has a very easy to cross nature. She has an intidmidating air constantly about her, and she seems amicable most of the time, but this is to woo her intended targets and she treats her family and allies with the utmost respect...unless they cross her, then she is especially cruel.
Age: Same as Dyo
Bio: When Dyo left the pack, Tria had tried to do everything to stop him. When she failed, she swore she'd bring him back. When he became a detective, she decided the traitor must pay... at any cost. She's never been above picking victims that would lead Dyo right to her, but despite skirmishes in the past, she's failed since to exact her revenge. She's followed him and baited him in a game of chess that has cost other Pokemon their lives, but even as her endeavors do not succeed, her riches grow. Using her mob influence and monetary powers, there's few hurdles she can't jump.
Image: Left
Other: She is psychotic. She will literally eat another Pokemon raw, but will also cook them Hannibal-Style. She can move boulders using Strength, and her prodigious strength allows her to break bones and compact pliable metals with relative ease.

"And other Doctor Who fans".

*know
*blew
*some

Geez, Knight, you can really overreact sometimes. Seriously though, newcomer, I should politely reccommend his work as well. You'll find him in the Original section, to where I rarely venture with my own, safely guarded work in tow. Yes, so safely guarded, I dare not yet even put it on paper lest someone steal my ideas. Wellllll, no, not paranoid, just, I reiterate, lazy. Here's where I would sigh heavily with disdain.

Allot, allot, allot. Welcome to the forum. If you dig decent fanfictions, I suggest mine. If you prefer okay fanfictions, then I suggest the work of the good fellow above me. Well, let's not argue over who's the better writer, but instead focus on who's less lazy than the other and gets their work actually don- oh crap, I'm the lazy one. Either way, I have yet to hear any complaints in the Writer's Nook for either of our stories, as the Writer's Nook is a pretty positive place for judgement and enjoyment.

Another spot you may enjoy would likely be the Role Play Arena, as a writer. We could always use fresh players and fresh ideas.

Welcome to the forums!

So I made a tribute video to a hero of mine. He replied to it. That was a day ago, but still feeling great about that. Make someones day too

Pokemon Gijinka: Flareon
Nickname: Flarabelle
Favorite Moves: Return (Powered by how much she loves herself), Attract, Flame Thrower, and Rest
Nature: A Southern Belle who suffers from delusions of grandeur and is quite a narcissist. She dreams of being in beauty paegants and grand screen productions. She sings wonderfully, but overacts and often overREACTS.
Age: 23
Image: Flarabelle
Other: She likes her drinks and has no shortage of worldly vices. Previously known as Evana.

Pokemon Gijinka: Eevee
Nickname: Evie
Favorite Moves: Charm, Shadow Ball, Detect, and Tickle
Nature: Level headed and rational, she keeps her older sister in check and is a bit of a tough nut. She can carry her sister out of a tavern rather easily, after brutally wiping out the Blastoise that tried to take advantage of Flarabelle once. Once. She's tough, fearless, and great at math, strategy, reading, science, art, and history. She's the academic to Flarabelle's dreamy airhead.
Age: 14
Image: Evie
Other: Found the stone Flarabelle evolved with, and intended to evolve into a Flareon with it, but it was stolen by her selfish sister. Now, she aims to evolve into a Vaporeon to teach her sister a lesson. (I'd appreciate it if you let me evolve her for plot purposes eventually, but it is not needed.)

And for the love of everything good in the world, please let Beucedoof in. I can swear that Beuce is being serious, and he is fully capable of portraying him with grace and artistry. Plus, you don't see a lot of Pokemon like that in Roleplays. Everyone goes for Ralts, Eevee (Guilty), or the main starters from the games. Stuff like that. Beucedoof is a National Treasure and deserves his spot amongst the ranks of Pokemon Warriors. (Exits with "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah" playing softly in the background)

Disney Castle Dungeon

Prompted by the sound of flute, the book made a slight tremor on its stand that steadily grew into a full out shake. It raised in velocity so quickly that nothing could be done before the shaking began to crumble the age old stone flooring to rubble beneath feet and stand that plunged. Smoke erupted from the book in a foggy mess that preceded all in the room falling into a dark abyss a few feet down with a great splash as the floor gave out. Not a sight could be seen, but a snake's hiss could be heard.

“Whoooo hasssssss releasssssssssed meeeeeeeeeee...?” Called the voice. The voice did not wait for an answer to repeat itself angrily. “WHO HAS RELEASED ME!” Just as the tension threatened to break dangerously, the sound of fingers snapping accompanied the soft glow of softly vibrating orbs in the palm of a lit hand that was not Anadi's. The fingers were long and thick, with thick hair on the back of the hand and even across the knuckles; the knuckles of someone who'd had them broken many times before. The hand raised itself to illuminate a face. “Because I really would just like to say thanks.” It was a stern, solemn face with a humorless stare from two heavily-lidded hazel eyes on a face cloaked mostly in a thick, black beard underneath neatly cut black hair on his Noble head. He cast out the small orbs to light up the room and revealed an even deeper, watery prison coated in pieces of what was previously the ceiling. The man rolled back the sleeves of his fine suit jacket, despite the fact he was ankle deep in the murky water and his suit pants seemed to be of the same fine make as the rest of his sharp attire. “I'm assuming you had no idea what you were doing when you did it. I doubt anyone will hold you accountable... not like anything read “Dare not play, ye who wish to stay, safely kept inside this tome, a danger known to all worlds and home. Time and Measure keep the pace, to save the people of every race. Careful ye who play the notes, for inside it's he who gloats: No use of sword nor use of axe, may keep you safe from the No One, Sebax.” He picked up the book he'd been referring to, and the one Anadi had released him from, and showed her the exact passage in the book that gave the very same warning on the page before the musical composition. He gave her time enough only to see it briefly and closed the book before lowering his hands to his side, giving a nod, and dissipating with the sound of bats fluttering and screeching as he vanished.

Concerns the character(s):
Anadi
Sebax