Aura

You.
are.
A.
Buttery.
Bitter.
Biscuit.
Weird.
LYING.
Vivie.
Cakes.
Bear.
Lamer.

I'm.
Getting.
Tired.
Of.
Typing.
Like.
This.

YES AND THERE IS SO MUCH SNOW OUTSIDE.


I can't because I can't sleep at night anymore so I'm tired during the day >>

Yeah, I thought it was a sword that shoots.
I was ddisappointed.

Which.
Is.
Obviously.
False.
Because.
I.
Smell.
Glorious.

Y
E
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S
S


Not lazy, tired B| I haven't been sleeping right lately.

Gun-sword. Her original one is Blaze Edge
But I think that's how the gun blade should have been.

I.
Am.
None.
Of.
Those.
Not.
Even.
Jeffrey.
or.
Poo.
You.
Lamer.

YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am not lazy!! Although I just woke up from a 6 hour nap that was supposed to be a 1 hour nap <<

Aww that sucks.
It's like the Gunblade from FFVIII
but done right.

Ah, I see. That makes more sense. <<

That would be kind of funny. xDD I have to show you something on webcam sometime. How my friend Serena types. XDD ...Selective memory? :'D

That's really sad. How did she die? Yeah, I remember you telling me that. :/ And the loneliness is a really awful feeling, I can understand...Um. Let's change the subject. It's depressing. D8 Let's talk about ponies. :3

And I understand. :3 I normally like to talk about things. But mainly because I get annoyed if something's going on with me and people constantly change the subject and ignore it. <<; It's good to laugh. 8DD How are you today?

I.
Have.
Never.
Stolen.
That.
Phrase.
From.
You.
Butter.
Bitter.
Biscuit.
Weird.
Lying.
Vivie.
Cakes.
Lamer.
Scaredy-cat.
Bear.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
H.
I.
J.
K.
L.
M.
O.
P.
Q.
R.
S.
T.
U.
V.
W.
X.
Y.
AND.
Z.


You mean....YES.

It was barely any at first, but it's coming down hard now. I'm too lazy to look out the window.

She doesn't make "boom" sounds?
She has a gun!
Sword
thingy

How.
Dare
You.
Accuse.
Me.
Of.
Stealing.
I.
Am.
A.
Very.
Honest.
Person.
Thank.
You.
Very.
Much.
Buttery.
Bitter.
Biscuit
Vivie
Cakes.
Bear.
Lamer.
So.
You.
Can.
G.
T.
F.
O.



You're only saying that because I'm right. B|

Yes, let's switch!
I usually like the snow.
But not when I have to walk 10-20 minutes for class. But it didn't start until after class.
But my bank closed early because of it, which I needed to call because I have a problem with my billing address so gamestop won't send me the PS3 I ordered.
So I decided to just go to Gamestop store, but need to buy a bus pass
Which I can't do because they closed earlier.
And I was too busy walking to my bank to find out why they won't answer my calls to notice the buspass office closed.

xD I remember you being scared of thunder.
Which is ironic because your avatar is Lightning.

You.
Can't.
Say.
S.
T.
F.
U.
That's.
My.
Phrase.
I.
Own.
It.
You.
****in.
Lamer.

Noo, I started the chorus and the second verse!!!

It's snowing here and it completely ruined my day.
Like I am really angry.
Snow is such a troublemaker.

You.
Can't.
Make.
Me.
Because.
You're.
The.
Loser.
And.
A.
Lamer.
Viviecakes.

I started the chorus!

Oh yeah, I forgot it wouldn't be hidden on your profile >>
Yes
You
Are!


You called me strong, you called me weak....



Never mind the first verse. That's for losers

.
.
.
.
.
y
o
u
'
r
e

a

l
a
m
e
r
!
Hidden message^


I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT.

Butterybitterbiscuitviviecakesbear!

Copy and pasted^
But I would occassionally add something like Butterybitterbiscuitweirdviviecakeslamerbear! xD

If I go crazy then will you still call me SUperman?

xD Good. I actually had to search through our conversation to find that name.

He will...eventually...after many more sexcapades.
They don't call him SUPERman for nothing.

Well, that's good. So you can't be Butterybitterbiscuitviviecakebear anymore without hte bitter Dx

Well he's not Superman yet, in Smallville.
He was a stupid teen.

Well, it's been awhile B|
True, especially when you're Superman and you're under the influence of red kryptonite.

Lol you scare easily then.
I think he was under the influence

What's so scary about my sig?
Superman can't partyboy a girl topless?

o.o And they're only to 41? D; I'd be really impatient. <<

Well hey, you never know. xD And oh. o.o That sucks. Dx At least it wasn't totally ruined. "Genki desu ka?" You must have a good memory then. << Thank you.

Roar. That's exactly what this girl Judy did to me after Winter Vacation. We saw each other in drama and she said, "We didn't hang out over break!!!" I was thinking, "Who's fault is that?" B|

I remember my first funeral was my great, great grandmother's. (My other great, great grandmother is still alive. @-@) And I didn't know what to think about it. I ended up going home and crying but that was only because I didn't know her and my grandmother was sad. It only scares me a lot when I think of what happens after that. I wasn't too scared with my Great grandmother because I knew she was in Heaven, at the time, and I believed that was a much better place then here and I hated watching her suffer. But now that my faith has dwindled considerably, it only scares me to think that after someone dies, nothing happens. Or that they went to hell to suffer forever. Or something like that. ;-; I hate the thought of masses of people just dying. I mean, if you think of it as something like a nuclear war, and you have the TV onto the news or something and some terrorists dropped a nuke in Northern California...It's one of those desperate moments where everyone's suffering and scared because we're all going to die, even slowly, from radiation poisoning and mutations and more bombings and...*Shudders* That scares the hell out of me.

Well, that's natural. You're not a terrible person. Everybody thinks thoughts like that about someone every once and a while. The good thing is you have a conscious. Some people go insane and are more comfortable there than in any other state of mind. That's baaaad. Dx

Yeah, I know. It's harrrd. v_v Bah, you'll get through it. I'm just not sure what it's better for me to do. Stay quiet about things, avoid talking to you about the stuff your sad about, try to help, be super silly, be serious. @-@ I don't know what's better.

For some reason I thought that it'd be further ahead. x_x

Does he type hard? O.o And oh. Well...o-o How much Japanese do you know? And seriously, I was just kidding and stringing Spanish words together with "y". << But thank you.

I hate it when I run into people and they're like, "Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you textttt? Sorry, I've been busy." It's like, if you really wanted to hang out then you should've called like you said you would.

The first person I ever lost was my great grandma and before that I had gone to a few funerals for people I didn't know that well but family did. And it's natural to be afraid of death, there's nothing wrong with that. The only time I was seriously afraid of it was when I was paranoid that everyone was going to die. But I'm more afraid of the world just suddenly ending then actual death. Everyone dies. But I'm afraid of waking up to like, the sun about to crash into the Earth or a nuclear war or something like that. I've had several dreams about apocalypses and things like that because I'm more afraid of mass panic and desperation then I am of people dying, since that's something natural.

That's good, then. I know you're scared about it, that's the paranoia, but if you want to then you're going to have to seriously try. It's something that's repairable, but the more time that passes, that harder it gets and the worse it is. It's just something to keep in mind. I mean, I'm not going to go on about what the ways people have back-stabbed me and lied and betrayed and didn't care after, but I'm not going to live my life in fear that it'll keep happening to me and that everyone's out to get me because of it. It's something you have to move on from eventually, because it's not something that everyone experiences and it's not one of those things that goes away. Minor trust-issues develop into consistent victim complexes, bipolarism, frequent panic attacks, and eventually insanity because it stays with you for life, and by the time you're 20 you'll still have the same issues. D: Nobody wants that. I'm just encouraging you to try...

This is kind of what I mean when I say don't be afraid of help, or if someone reaches out to you. I'm not telling you this because I feel like ranting, or I think you're too stupid to know, or I think you're crazy and need therapy. And I'm not pulling it from my ass, I took a long time yesterday thinking about that VM and I looked up information on trust issues and grieving/depression in a genuine attempt just to help. I'm not attacking you or trying to control your feelings or thought-process, you're perfectly capable. I've just been in your situation before and I don't want you feeling like you're alone and that no one cares or understands instead of just being another person who says, "Oh. Feel better." And that's natural, I understand what you mean. I don't expect you to be like, "...Okay, I'm over it now! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY." or anything. It's just for future reference. If you ever get to the point that you need to hear it or remember it.

Which makes me want to go see if a new episode of InuYasha is out yet. How far is Brotherhood now?

I didn't even know you misspelled go. xD And, he couldn't say no to Japanese. I was already studying it on my own. I remember when you told me about her and the Japanese racist thingy. x.x I still don't understand why she is. Yeah, I understand. I've gotten better at Spanish. "Mi gato es muy bonita y me gusta el pollo y mi llama es la chocolate." :3

Yeah. That always sucks. :/ That reminds me of how I finally got in touch with this guy who I used to be friends with in fifth grade and he acted like he was really excited to have gotten back in touch with me and that we should hang out and go bowling but unless I text him or message him, I don't hear from him at all.

Some years ago, when my great grandmother had a heart-attack, it was one out of many times that she had been in the hospital. But it was the first time she was ever seriously hospitalized and that I seriously felt like she might die. I had lived with her since I was born, and my mom worked all of the time and dad left, so she was practically a mother to me. I never talked about it with anyone. I had no friends, at all and my mom was always gone so I kept everything to myself. First, she had the heart-attack, then it seemed like she was getting better even though she couldn't talk anymore, then something else happened and they had to amputate her leg. Then she passed out into a coma for nearly a week. Then she could sit up again and she was laughing with us and everything. When she was finally about to come home, her heart ended up failing and she died. I had a huge sense of denial, and I wanted it all to be a lie. And we went to the hospital, and what ended up happening to me was a huge amount of shock took over. A defense mechanism. I didn't cry about it anymore.

I had a few months of counselling because I stopped doing any work in school, and just sat there and never talked to anyone. Not less than a year after that, I developed trust issues in a different way then you have. I started to think that everyone around me that I was close to was just going to die, so I shouldn't bother loving anyone anymore, and I closed my heart off to everyone I knew and treated everyone like they didn't matter, so that if they died, it wouldn't hurt me so bad. I was so paranoid about death that I slept with a chef's knife every night under my pillow, I started thinking horrible things like maybe I should just kill everyone so that God couldn't take them away, or that I should kill myself because I hated feeling so alone. I was so angry with everyone for never being there for me, and never listening, and for moving on so quickly from it. My hatred eventually lead me to telling my mother to "Shut the hell up.", which lead me to being sent to California and experiencing the worse, painful, most lonely years of my entire life thus far. It wasn't until I tried hard enough to get out of my depression that I finally did.

Losing someone is one of the hardest things that you can ever experience, especially if you're close to them. One thing that you have to do to deal with this is get over your trust issues with people. If something happens to your grandfather, life is going to swallow you whole if you try to deal with things alone. You aren't alone. Despite how you feel, you have several people who love you and are here for you. You just have to reach out to them. The horrible lonely, anxious, angry, miserable feelings you have due to depression are never going to go away until you start trusting people again and stop isolating yourself and your feelings. We all understand that not everyone wants to talk about it, I haven't spoken to anyone about my great grandma for literally 2-3 years until now, but there's a time for grieving and being depressed alone, and a time to reach out to people and get help and support. Life isn't made to be lived alone. If you leave a baby alone, even if they're able to be fed properly, because of loneliness or absence of anyone else, that baby will die. You as a human are not meant to be alone, people cannot properly function alone. I know you're lonely, but I promise you, you're not alone. And you're not the only one who's gone through this. Don't be afraid to listen to advice from other people or get help from someone else. By shutting yourself off, not only are you hurting yourself, you're hurting the people who care about you and want to help.

It's extremely important to talk to other people about how you're truly feeling, this will help you immensely with your trust issues. Once betrayed, it takes a hell of a lot to forgive someone and for that someone to gain your trust back. But neither one of those things will happen if you don't give that person the opportunity to be trusted again. If someone betrays you, they'll most likely leave things the way they are and forget about you if it was intentional. If someone hurts you and tries to make up for it or apologizes and actually takes the time to gain your trust back, then you also need to start talking to them about things again, with time. Because honestly, no one has the time or patience to sit around trying to betray you over and over unless they're some sick stalker who's utterly obsessed with you. If someone hurts you and doesn't care enough to fix it, then there's no need for you to care about that anymore. But you should put effort into trusting people again like people should put effort into gaining your forgiveness.

One thing about paranoia is the more paranoid you are, the more you're going to end up sabotaging things. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've seen someone accuse someone else of lying or cheating even when they didn't who end up getting lied to and cheated on. Generally, this arising simply out of not being able to trust yourself so you blame everyone else and accuse everyone else. You're going to end up pushing everyone away because you're paranoid. Which is really bad. You're a smart girl, and you've told me things before, I know that you don't need me telling you this. You know it already. It just has to be a conscious effort to stop it. And it's something you have to actually stop, it won't stop on your own. If you know that when someone asks you "How are you?" you're just going to lie and say "Fine." or "I don't want to talk about it." then you have to stop yourself. I mean, of course, depending on who the person is, not strangers of course.

I know you want things to finally go well for you, but life isn't a sweet little boat-ride that's going to eventually float into calmer waters. You have to paddle. If you want life to start going well for you, you have to make it and try to get help and help yourself and move on and forgive and trust and open your heart again to be happy. What'll happen if you don't and just wait for the storm to pass is you'll end up sucked into a black hole a typhoon or something. Life only gets worse if you don't try to make it better. :/

Once again, you're not alone. If you ever need to talk, you know there are people you can talk to. You just have to take the initiative to do it. You're not happy, and you don't enjoy this, so you need to start trying to make it stop before it only gets worse...

Yeah, that's mainly why I stopped reading the InuYasha manga. So many spoilers.

Aww, yeah. I know what you mean. I wanted to learn Latin once, but my dad shot that down quick. xD I wanted to learn it only because of the Elfen Lied opening. Then I wanted to learn German, and my dad shot that down. So I'm sticking with French, Japanese and Spanish. Do you speak a lot of Spanish?

Stupid dogs. t.t And yeah, no, I understand. I was like that too. I didn't talk to anyone really about my great grandma for years, actually. And oh. Why do you feel so lonely? T-T