So in the end, this will be me ranting about my mother, but I want to see what other people think when it comes to this subject. Especially since there seem to be a lot of people on this site who no longer live with their parents... maybe they can apply it to something else or recall the past? I dunno. /rant start/Anyway. I am getting confirmed tomorrow. My grandmother can't make it and she felt bad, so she sent me money for me to be able to buy myself something. It's 20 dollars, nothing huge or seemingly too much. I could have taken this money and gone to get a couple things for the day, or maybe saved it for something at another time. I told her no originally because I didn't need the money. But you don't say no to your grandma. So today when I was at school the mail came, and my mother knew my grandmother was sending me 20 dollars. So she opened up my letter, took the money, and left to go to the store. She apparently spent the money on gas, and she said she needed gas money in order to go out and buy food for tomorrow (which I told her I didn't want a party...) I think this shouldn't be allowed, it wasn't her money. It was a gift from my grandmother and if my mom said something like "oh I'm going to borrow your 20 dollars I'll pay you back" I would have been alright with that. But my mom is not going to pay me back because "You live in my house, I let you stay here and eat here for free. I don't need to pay you back." It's seriously irritating me because in the end, I never gave her permission to have it and now she feels she has the right to it because she is my parent./rant end/ I will color parts so people who don't want to read the rant can notice the words... but other than that. What do you guys think about this? Does she have the right? I'm not 18 or anything and it isn't like she stole a thousand dollars from me, but I still don't think this is right at all. And I want to know what you all think. [this can apply to more than just money][I don't want this in Help With Life because don't worry about me, I can deal with it. I just want discussion]
No. That doesn't seem fair at all. I grew up in a household where we were well off for the majority of my life [ right up until the divorce ]. My parents never would have taken money from my brother or I. It wasn't until after they got divorced and my dad screwed over my mom and I that I ever had to worry about money. Personally, my mom would never ever take money from me without permission and then say 'you live in my house.' There were a few times where she knew I had a couple bucks and asked to borrow them, but I told her to keep it. It's understandable if she needed it for gas and food for your party, but it wasn't like she was the one giving you the $20 and decided to take it back. It was gifted to you from your grandmother and I'm sure she wouldn't be too pleased to hear what your mom did. Even when I had my graduation party and my mom really went all out on it and we were broke as can be, she never once asked to borrow my money. I told her numerous times, "you don't have to do this," and she was like, "it's fine. It's your party, I'll figure it out regardless," every time. I can understand why you're upset and you have every right to. It is just $20, but the point is, she should have asked/said something first. Your mom would probably not be too pleased if you she was expecting money to arrive in the mail, only to have someone else take it and use it without permission. Stealing is stealing, even if it is for a 'good' cause.
I really can't add much to what Red has said other then to tell your grandma what has happened, I'm sure she would give you mum a piece of her mind.
It depends on the need, I think. If money is tight then I sympathize with your mom. Depending on how far the store is and how efficient her car is, $20 would get you quite a bit further than just one trip, so she may have needed gas for driving to work or whatever. I do agree she should have told you in advance, and offered to pay you back, but I've been poor for most of my life so I think I'm a little more sensitive to the situation. Now that I'm working & have an income I pay my mom $250/mo as a kind of living expense type thing, and I really have no problem with it. Do I like not having much money left over, of course not, but I know it's not fair for my mom to have to shoulder the costs of three adult daughters alone. I'm not saying our situations are identical or even similar though, I don't know your family/mom's financial situation. If it bothered you though, you should speak up. Just a simple "hey Mom I know you didn't mean to upset me but if, in the future, you need to borrow money, could you just give me a heads up?" or something along those lines. edit - if it's a common occurrence you should say something too.
It's wrong because it assumes we enter this world with a debt. Which is the most asinine and self-destructive worldview I can possibly imagine a person holding. Letting your child live in your house and paying their expenses should be a good-faith agreement, not ammo for a guilt trip.
At first, when I saw the thread title, I thought that I was going to side with your Mother as the phrase usually goes: "you live in my house so you follow my rules", which I do agree with, to an extent. However, your Grandma clearly meant for the money to go to you and therefore should have been in your possession as soon as it reached your house. As you said, it totally would have been acceptable if she had asked your permission to use it and then, if possible, pay it back. In my opinion, your Mother crossed a line and it would probably benefit you to go to her, tell her this is not okay, and hopefully it won't happen again. In my own experience, I had something of a 'trust fund' that my Mam had been saving up for me since I was born. It didn't really amount to much considering the time that had went into it, but when I ~came of age~ and a cheque was sent to me, personally, It was taken off me before I could even finish taking it out of the envelope.. According to my Mam, it had been sent too early and I guess she thought I wasn't responsible enough to have that amount of money yet or something, so she cashed it herself. Not to save it for me, but to spend it on something that was completely unrelated to me. In the end, though, I made her feel so guilty about it that she started paying me back in instalments.
I can somewhat sympathize with your situation. My family is not very financially high. We are a pretty poor family. Every now and then, my mom would take out money from my bank account to pay the expenses, but she does it because of our situation and not in your situation. My mom is strict, but she would NEVER take money away from me just because I live in her home. She's your mother for god's sake. What kind of mother uses that horrible excuse to take money? And it isn't even your money, but a gift from your grandmother. Your mom seriously needs to learn more respect for you and how she should act. She may own the house, but that's a sickening excuse. If my mom said that to me, I would've thrown a fit.
I hear that a lot actually myself. That and: "Do you know how much **** I bought you over the years?" It's harder because honestly, my dad ****ed my family over good about ten years ago. Took all our retirement money and put it in the church. And it wasn't chunk change, either. Then he put himself in bankruptcy with credit cards and the IRS. My mom kicked him out five years ago and never looked back, the problem is that I due to health issues can't find a full-time job that gives me health insurance and my mom works at home struggling with her own money, I give her as much money as I can with money to spend on my own and my college loans. But we do struggle often with money. I honestly would give her my own money if she asked, but I know and trust her to ask me if it's okay to borrow money from me. Every once in a while while we're out she does some stunts where she takes more money than my half and keeps it. Which I do admit I suck it up, but if she asks, I would be willing to give her the money if I have a bit I don't need. She has never ever taken a gift from me, though. She has never asked unless I was a kid and she was getting me a present with it. She knows I trust her not to do stuff like that and she honors that trust. I am sorry not everyone thinks that way.
This actually angers me, you just can't do that! It's like someone getting you a game for your birthday and your parents taking it away and just selling it without your permission. It's not theirs to take and you shouldn't stand for it. I think gifts are important and should go to the person they were intended for, even if it is money. Why did she do it? Was it actually because she thought you didn't deserve it or you shouldn't have that sort of money (which is silly because it's not LOADS). I think, even if it was a financial situation she should have at least asked you- whether before hand or afterwards because that is just completely out of order. My parents wouldn't do that, I think they would ask me if they really needed it but, to be honest, I think they would be too proud to ask me for money, my dad was too proud to even stay in my sisters house for one night. I don't think the excuse of "I am your mother, I have done SOOO much for you and you should repay me!" is at all valid- being a mother is a choice (for the most part) and it is your job to take care of your children until they can take care of yourself, they shouldn't owe you material things only sincere gratitude and love.
I missed this edit before. This scenario is common, but... it has never really been something that bugged me at the time, because in the past she actually asked for money. She'd say, "Look, can I borrow 5 dollars." and I was completely okay with it. And my mom never really payed me back in cash, instead she'd buy be an iced coffee or something, and that was fine, ice coffees can get expensive around here. More recently she'd borrow like... 20 dollars and then would say she was going to pay me back. And I wouldn't pester her about it. My family isn't in the best financial situation right now anyway, especially currently, my father's part of his job is connected to the federal government, guess who isn't getting paid? Anyway, she'd get the 20, and then I'd run into a situation where I would need $20 and would ask her if I could have a 20, and she'd pay it back, but there was a small little whine before I told her why I needed it. Now it's gotten to the point where she doesn't even ask for money. ----anyway, here's an update on the current scenario anyhow. My dad found out about it, and got a little mad about it. They had a talk, and my mom has been paying me back slowly in amounts of fives, and has been giving me "little gifts" I don't need... but they aren't gifts... she's exaggerating the point that "oh this wig was five dollars", as though she's trying to pay me back in the value of the items... I'm not THAT mad about it, but... I feel like when you catch a little kid stealing cookies, and they give you back each cookie one at a time, and then try to pretend they gave you them all, but they still have 3 cookies behind their back.
Perhaps she was stressed before with money and justified it with the excuse she gave. But I am glad she is rectifying it even if it is a little incomplete. Just make sure that, in the future, she asks you. You aren't a child, you deserve the respect of your mother even if she is stressed.
FIRST OFF WTF?! YOU DON'T GO OPENING OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL AND TAKE THEIR STUFF! THAT'S ILLEGAL! Second: NO! SHE SHOULD NOT TAKE YOUR MONEY AND NOT PAY YOU BACK. My mom does the same f*cking thing to me but she pays me back even though I flip sh*t on her about taking my money without asking. I mean seriously?! What is it with parents taking their kids' sh*t and going on about "OH THIS IS MY HOUSE AND YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE! SO TOUGH LUCK!" That's just complete bullish*t! Just NO! If I were you, I'd confront her about it and say, "No, this is my sh*t so don't touch my f*cking sh*t." (Of course not exactly in those words, just get the point across)
Actually the whole thing is completely corrupt. She has a responsibility to make sure you have everything you need up until and sometimes even a few years after the age of eighteen. Some might argue the same thing that she is feeding you and giving you a place to live. As the one who brought you into this world she bares that undeniable responsibility. At no point should it ever cross a parent's mind that 'you owe them' anything. I don't loan my mother money because she'll blow it at the bar and then have to take a cut later on to pay me back, because she's a terrible terrible alcoholic and I learn after a few times. My dad, biological father anyway, has never really asked for money. He was never really there so he probably feels guilty, but I don't think he's the type to anyway. Basically life's messed up when you can't even trust your parents with money. All I can say is try and look past it now ... and later on when she really needs your help then you stab her in the back and twist the blade ... or you forgive and forget like 'normal' people do and love her as your one and only mother. All I can say is when my mom gets to that age where she needs to be looked after ... I got two brothers who can put up with her crap or I can pay a home bill. I'm that type of cynical on the matter. Hope this helped and potentially showed you what you shouldn't do (basically everything I said I'd do) and gave you a bit of insight on the matter. Hope it all works out for you.
