Chapter 1 Spoiler I glance past the lush green hills to the grand blue ocean that surrounds us. I see young boys and girls in swim trunks and bathing suits, ready to plunge into the deep water below. One courageous boy stands up, takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and leaps. The other children stare in awe as the boy’s shadow disappears from the boardwalk, as if in slow motion. I hear a faint splash as the boy’s small body makes contact with the water, resulting in cowardly ripples. These soon grow larger and larger, as if trying to escape from the boy. My weak smile fades as I glance to the sky and wish I were one of those ripples. “Tag, come join us!” a little girl says to me as my smile returns and illuminates my gloom exterior. Suddenly I hear a shrill voice exclaim, “Thomas!” The girl giggles as I turn around to see my mother in her morning robe, arms crossed over her chest. I sigh as I look back to the young children, their eyes glowing with excitement. “Sorry guys,” I say in a sweet tone. They nod slowly, their joyful expressions fading. Some glance up at me, their melancholy eyes making contact with mine. I turn away, taking small steps toward my furious mother. I gulp as I drag my tired body toward my house, toward my red faced mother. I bow my head slightly as I take off my sandals and enter the tiny building I call home. An old Atlantian tradition, my mother always says, that originated from our ancestors created by Zeus. I look up to the sky and see how clear it is, how free the birds are when they flap their wings and glide aimlessly. A young bluejay passes my field of vision. It looks so free, careless, not tethered to the ground as I am. The last of the sky vanishes as the door creaks closed and I am faced with my mother. “What do you think you’re doing out there?” she snaps. I stammer but manage to spit out, “Nothing. Besides, I didn’t do anything wrong!” A frown appears on my mother’s face. “Nothing wrong? What about Melanie?” she points to the door and, as if on cue, my little sister stumbles out into the entrance room. Her eyes look lost and hopeless, like she had just been abandoned. “I told you to watch her while I was asleep! She could’ve caused trouble!” “But she didn’t! You always over think things! It’s as if you’re always shrouded by paranoia and fear!” I exclaim. I feel a sharp pain across my cheek as I fall onto the plush, cotton carpet. “Don’t you dare talk to your mother like that!” she screeches as she stomps upstairs and slams her door shut. I roll my eyes at her as Melanie approaches me. “Are we going to have dinner tonight, Thomas?” she asks. I cradle her into my arms and reply, “I don’t know.” A tear rolls down her cheek. I wipe it away and kiss her forehead, our bodies huddled together. ~~~ Chapter 2 Spoiler I stretch out my sore muscles and let out a long yawn. The side of my face where I was slapped slightly burns, manageable but very irritating. I open my medicine drawer and pull out a salna leaf. I pop it in my mouth and chew the sour herb. I pucker my lips and close my eyes as I break through its tough exterior. When I can’t take anymore of the terrible taste, I apply it to my right cheek. Suddenly I feel the pain disappear as if it’s being sucked into the red mush. I quickly put on my clothes and splash some water from the fountain onto my face. It soothes the numbness radiating from my cheek. I head downstairs and grab my leather school bag filled with books and scrolls. I grab a blueberry from the dining area. I break its tender skin as the sweet nectar fills my mouth. I exit my house and turn around. The pale blue home has so many windows I can never count them all. The white door contrasts with the jet black roof. I look to my left and see Melanie’s garden flourishing with different fruits and herbs. A pink tulip stands out, standing alone in the midst of strangers. My footsteps splash water onto the hem of my school pants. I walk slowly, my footsteps heavy. My eyes are half closed. Not even the fountain water could fully awaken me. Finally I reach the school building. It’s a dull, lifeless gray color. Quite boring actually. The lazy color almost sends me back into slumber until someone screams, “Hey Tag!” I flinch and gradually open my eyes to see Craig Sanders, my best friend, looking down on me. He’s tall for being only thirteen years of age, much taller than I am despite my birthday being a few months earlier than his. He stands five feet seven inches while I am a mere five foot two. His wavy blond hair clashes with my straight auburn hair. His hazel eyes manage to mesmerize every girl he passes, while my deep blue eyes draw minimal attention. Sometimes I feel insufficient compared to Craig, everything about him seems to be a level above mine. But what lack in appearance, I compensate with intelligence. Highest grades in my grade eight class so far this year; at least that’s something I trump Craig with. I enter the school building, the cold air rushing to greet me. It sends a shiver down my spine. I begin to walk to my first class, Geometry. It’s followed by Latin, Literature, Mythology, Lunch, Human Life, and finally Astronomy. Oh how I hate Human Life. I open my lunch bag, which I managed to pack yesterday before I fell asleep. Inside there is a pork sandwich, some blueberries, a small jug of water, and some mint. Odd, I don’t remember packing mint leaves. A sly smile forms as I realize that Melanie must have snuck them in before I woke up. I silently thank her and begin to eat, the different flavors crashing and colliding in my mouth. At last, the school day is over. I breathe out a sigh, relieved there were no assignments given. I hear loud, fast footsteps. I turn around and see Craig hurdling towards me. “Hey there Tag! Or should I say---” Craig pauses and in a regal tone of voice says, “Thomas Alexander Graysson.” He grins as I snicker. Craig knows I simply despise my name, and yet he continues to say it. He laughs and I realize it was a joke. My tense shoulders drop as I laugh with him. We begin to walk when I hear the crinkling of grass. I look to my sides, but see nothing. “Hey Craig, don’t you think Mrs. Breiter is---” I say as I turn my head. I drop my school bag when I see no sign of Craig. Suddenly, I feel Atlantis begin to shake. ~~~ Chapter 3 Spoiler I can’t breathe. I fall to the ground, clutching my chest. I wince, letting out short coughs. I place my hand on my knee to support myself as I stand up. I hear a soft voice call my name. “T-Tag...” I manage to make out and check my surroundings. I look to the east, only to see green hills, meadows, and pastures. I turn to the west and see the edge of Atlantis rising. I barely make out a hand, reaching upward. I run to the hand and grab it, attempting to pull it up. I look over the edge to see Craig, hanging on for dear life. “Craig!” I exclaim as I try to pull him up. After many minutes of struggling, I realize it’s no use. He is too heavy and I am too weak. Tears roll down my face as I see Craig give a weak smile and say, “Thank you... T-Thomas.” Then I feel his hand slipping and he releases his grip. “Craig! Craig!” I shout, pounding the earth. “No!” I see his body plunge into the icy, heartless water below. My tears won’t stop as I run towards my simple home. I pull the door open and sprint upstairs, vigorously shaking my mother and Melanie awake. “What is it?” My mother asks as she pulls herself out of bed. I swallow hard, gasping for air, trying to find the right words to say. My mind is racing with thought after thought. “I don’t have time for your games, Thomas. I’m very tired and---” “Atlantis is sinking!” I scream. I see her facial expression rapidly change. She grabs Melanie’s and my hand as she rushes outside. We see the valleys overflowing with sea water. She peers in the other direction and sees that edge of Atlantis tilting. It’s even worse than before. We run toward the valleys, that’s where the emergency boats are. I notice a few already floating, being pushed farther out to sea. I see family after family crowd into small boats. All make it out to sea, but the wooden planks of some break and the people are sent into the cold sea. There are only a few boats left. Mostly everyone has either made it onto the safety of the boats or fallen off the island. I see families torn apart, their family members floating away with the current. This makes me think of my own father and his unfortunate, early death. He died in the coal mines when I was five, crushed by rocks. I begin to tear up. The last of the boats are sent away. The people left on the island, tears in their eyes and sorrow in their hearts, stand there confused at how this could happen. Some jump off, waiting for Hades’ cold hands to drag them into the Underworld. I hear Melanie scream. I quickly turn around to see my mother and Melanie slide into the sea. I run to them and grab their hands. A flashback of Craig plays in my head and I am determined to pull them onto safety. Tears fill their eyes. The sweat on my hands forces their hands to slip and they fall into the ocean. I feel faint, and then everything goes blank. When my eyes open, I see my only living family members trapped by the icy grip of the ocean. They are frantic, their arms flailing in the air. Melanie is the first to go down. My mother searches everywhere, looking for Melanie’s hands underwater. I see her pull up her hand, but there’s nothing in it. My mother screams as she goes down. Her hand springs up out of the water, searching for someone, for something, to grab. I see the hand shake and quiver then stop. It sinks slowly, the last of its life being sucked out of it. ~~~ Chapter 4 Spoiler It’s becoming harder and harder to breathe. I stand there while the island is sinking, gasping for air. It feels as if my lungs have paused, restricting my heavy breathing. I decide to take in small, shallow breaths. I can’t believe they’re gone; my only remaining family, taken away from me in an instant. It begins to rain. The rain manages to mask my tears, but who cares? There’s barely anyone left on the island anyway. “Who cares?” I murmur to myself as I turn around, looking at the tip of the island rising higher and higher into the air. The island is almost at a 60 degree angle. Despite my weak lungs, I manage to take a deep breath and close my eyes to shield out the rain as I climb towards the edge. Atlantis: a small island in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea, home of the Atlantian people. But it’s much more than that. It’s laughs shared together that fill the air, tears that have fallen to the ground, anger that builds inside your heart, fear that paralyzes your body and leaves you motionless. Atlantis is much more than an island, it’s home. I gulp as I manage to stand up. I peer over the edge and see the rushing tides in the unforgiving, merciless water. I give myself a weak reassuring nod. I turn my back to the sea and shuffle my feet so my heels are just over the edge. I close my eyes as I embrace the rain falling onto my pale face. “Where’s our savior?” I whisper to the heavens as I force myself over the edge.
This is particularly well written, aside from a few spelling mistakes here and there, which everybody gets sometimes. I rather like the sudden change in events, since it really seems to capture the idea of what a disaster really is; unpredictible and terrifying. The first two chapters really give you a feel for the characters, meaning that by the time the major events appear, it touches you far deeper than it could have without. I really liked that, since it makes you feel more emotion, making for a much more powerful piece. I'm not positive about this, but is the theme to do with family? From the third chapter I got the impression that it was saying that 'even disfunctional family is still family, and that you should still love them'. I'm not able to tell if that was intentional, or if it just ended up that way. In any case; I really liked all of it. It's powerful, and ends on a great psuedo-cliffhanger, since you know exactly what's going to happen but don't see it. A very good job.
This was phenomenally well-written. As DarkTraitor stated above there were a handful of grammatical errors and mistakes but they were very minimal in account: This was a saddening yet hauntingly beautiful story. I must applaud you for capturing the characters you have described and the relations with each other extensively well - one could understand the relationships all of the major characters had with each other from just senses of interaction, and the demise of all of these characters, as a result, had an even greater emotional impact. Bah, that depression. The ending of the final chapter was amazingly cinematic and all in all this was written very, very well. I find it amusing how the situation and then pacing were subverted interestingly - one expected not the demise of Atlantis when reading the first or even most of the second chapter, per se, and the various hints as to the otherworldly nature of the people were lovely. In the future, you may always improve with the pacing and perhaps setting description a tad but in general I must applaud you dearly for the various skills you have masterfully executed, you lovely writer. Bravo.
Restating the obvious here, but it was, as What and DarkTraitor said, really well written. Thomas and his family's characterization was excellent, and even though they had their share of problems, the way they all came together when Atlantis began to sink was incredibly touching. What already pointed out the only grammar/spelling mistakes I saw, though I think Craig could have been characterized a bit more. I mean, I got the gist of it, but he seemed sort of placed in only to die soon after. Other than that, I demand moar of your awesome writing Andrew. B|
This was a very nice short story. What I really liked were the characterization of the characters and the way it was narrated. Thomas's first person narrative, instead of being dull and reading like a screenplay, actually had some life and personality to it which I really liked and it gave him more depth. I was able to understand his personality much better by the way he narrated things. And while the story was short, the characterization was very well-done. The only thing that I'm kind of having a problem is the pacing of the story. I know it's a short story but some parts felt too rushed at times. And I guess there could've been more exposition on the setting but I liked how you gave us little hints instead. A person wouldn't naturally describe all of their surroundings so it felt more realistic when they said things about Atlantian life like it was nothing special. In the end, you got to find a balance between the two. I personally think you did well. WRITE MOAR!!!
A very well written tragedy. You have captured the elements of history and have rewritten it to where the reader feels like they too are on that island with Tag. I had the strong urge to be their with him, so you've done a fantastic job pulling the reader right into the story and making them see the beauty, feel the happiness, the fear, feel the sense of hopelessness. Lovely elements to this. Just a little critique, there were some short sentences you could've combined together at the slow parts at the beginning of the story, kind of give it the slow, peaceful feeling. Then you can use the short sentences for the chaos and grief. You know what I mean? You are a very excellent writer. PURSUE IT! xD I would like to see a book published by you someday.
