I was home sick (minor medical issue that's been happening the past few days) and was home by myself. It felt great being alone; I had the freedom to let loose the old Alex personality and have fun. But I also felt pretty lonely. Then I noticed a majority of friends appeared on MSN and I was about to go talk to someone...then chose to appear offline to everyone. Ever since the start of this school year I've been terribly hesitant whenever I talk to any friends. At first I shrugged it off, believing it to just be some kind of "lol skool i mis summa" thing. But it's been continuing since then. At school, I find myself being awkward around everyone; whenever I seem to say something, eight times out of ten it comes out a completely different way than I had meant it, which even surprises me. This has even been happening on here, where I had felt completely comfortable, to the point where I force myself to not post or get into extended conversations with anyone. Some days I can talk to others normally, but now I hardly want to chance this and try to alienate myself (despite knowing I'd get lonely eventually). Even now there are people on MSN I want to talk to, but just don't want to make an absolute buffoon out of myself. I also catch myself moving awkwardly too, whether it be walking with more of my weight on my left side, or my body just feeling completely foreign to me. It's concerning to say the least, but when I get home, the awkward feeling is just instantly eradicated as though it was never a problem. And I'm not sure if this relates or not, I've been giving up on things a lot more than ever before. If I have to stay up past a certain point in the night to do homework, I try to force myself to do it, but then it's as though I have no control and my body just decides itself to crash. Not to mention I've been getting pissed at my brothers for absolutely no reason, even when they haven't been annoying. And I also find myself unwilling to deal with crushes either. I have one right now, but for some reason I try to fight it off without knowing why exactly, causing me to get depressed at random intervals of the time. It feels like I'm her little brother something (well, a little brother to everyone I know >>) and I can't do anything to change that, even though I'm fully capable of doing so. It could be the stress of being one year left before graduating high school, it could be me being too worried about other people's opinions of me, it could be that I feel like I'm still a little kid and everyone else my age is acting appropriately...I don't know. I just feel f***ed up and don't know what to do. D:
Honestly sounds A LOT like me a few years ago. I found out I have an acute case of Social Anxiety, it didn't develop until randomly in 2006 or '07 but yeah. Anyways, one thing that helps me now, once a week (or as needed) I write a small list of things that seem to set this feeling (yes, I still do it to this day). You don't have to do it all in one sitting, I'd say, take a saturday or something and just lay in bed, don't do anything else (as much as possible at least) and just really THINK and reflect on yourself, I found that a lot of that anger I was feeling that was making me get pissed at my loved ones for no reason was reflected off of my own insecurities. One I think you may have is that you don't seem to think of yourself to be "as mature for your age" by the line "I feel like I'm still a little kid and everyone else my age is acting appropriately." I don't know if thats really how you feel, but I honestly suggest thinking about that a bit. WHAT makes you feel that way if it is how you feel. If you'd like to talk some more some time, feel free to PM me, I'll be around to help you as best I can. Good luck
I just looked social anxiety up and it sounds like me >> Everyone does feel more mature than me. They all seem to have grown more (got smarter, got jobs, etc.) over the summer while I'm still the same as I was last school year. I will take you up on that PM offer. Thanks <:
Aww, sweetie. I know it's not much, but all I can tell you is to be yourself and probably sounds uber cliche and all. You're a very awesome person, even though I know we haven't spoken that often. It's never good to alienate yourself, but I understand needing some time alone. I'm extremely sorry to hear that you're going through this though, it makes me sad to hear it. :c If it makes you feel any better, I believe that this is actually a pretty natural concept. Finding yourself. It's a process. I can tell you now...I'm incredibly awkward. Especially in conversations, which is why I generally take forever replying to VMs...and in person, I can go the entire day at school and such not saying a word. I move around a lot and entered a new school Sophomore year...It took me the entire year to find two good friends, and they're still the only ones I really converse with. xD; And I walk with a tilt! I'm shy. I keep my chin down most of the time, which makes me look like I'm walking hunched forward lots, unless I make a conscious effort to appear confident. I personally love the way you seem to interact with people on the site, at least. You're so friendly! Everyone is so serious and depressive these days...I think you have a childlike quality about you, but it in no means makes you come across as immature to me. I admire it, really. I wish I could be like that. You're energy makes me feel bubbly and happier when we're conversing. xD For a long time, and even now, I've become much more of a lurker than an interact-or. People mistake that for conceitedness, but it's really just awkwardness and not having much to say half of the time that I think people would find interesting or worth talking about...I think we just half to stop focusing so much on the reaction of other people. Also...Maybe you're tired? D; I have trouble focusing when I am...Like right now, I want to write a story, finish sketching a manga page, study...But I'm about to go take a nap instead. xD I'm not sure how late you normally sleep, but maybe getting to bed earlier and eating a good breakfast might help you focus? Anyways, I hope this helped a bit. Good luck with everything. If you need to talk, just send a message! Seriously, I don't bite. c: I love random messages. <33
Yes, I am currently going through the same thing. I know exactly how it feels, thinking you fit in but after brief contemplation, you realize your negative actions and such. Having trouble interacting, yes, I believe I am going through the same thing. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel, and I know it doesn't feel good. As Jayn mentioned, I believe it is tiredness, because I have recently lost a lot of sleep. And as Arc said, I think I have a slight case of Social Anxiety myself. I think the best healing factor for this is to simply relax your mind, forget about everything, and get a lot of rest. Rest is key to healing, and socializing may come naturally. Remember also, to stay calm as much as possible, and avoid conflict. I know this advice is brief, and is all I can give, since I am going through similar situations myself, but I hope it helps. =)
