What? Reads: The Pearl

What in the world are you doing now, What?

You bastard, attempting to ruin classic novels and novellae with your disgusting satire? You should be put to death.

(Keep in mind The Pearl spoilers shall be evident despite this being a horrific attempt at comedy)

---

As I am bored tonight, I present to you:

What? Reads:
THE PEARL
by John Steinbeck​

Now, before I begin, let me retrieve my copy of The Pearl.



Ah, hold on, this is the wrong copy.



There we go. Now we may properly begin.

The Pre-Premise Plot Assumption​

Here we view Arnold Schwarzenegger holding a large, pulsating orb. We can simply assume, from its specific characteristics, that this orb is in fact the testicle of Nikola Tesla - the word "pearl" being a clear euphemism. From here, we may assume the plot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, on his latest adventure, decides to go back in time and retrieve the testicles of Nikola Tesla. In a sub-par and slightly disorienting adventure involving Thomas Edison and that man from Jingle All The Way, Arnold finally confronts Tesla and retrieves his left testicle. The novella is universally controversial for Steinbeck's decision of allowing Ayn Rand and the State of California to write a history text book.

The Characters​

The characters are as follows:

Kino:



A young girl whom previously travelled the world with her motorcycle before deciding to settle down due to her amazing adventures being horribly overlooked by the anime community. To attempt to gain more popularity, the producers decide to make her into a generic shonen protagonist. This, however, turns horribly awry and she instead transforms into a burly man whom is schizophrenic enough to hear songs in his head, most of them most likely Naruto openings. Is married to weed.

Juana:



A box of sentient and sapient cannabis that is intoxicated enough to believe a stray coyote is in fact her child. Married to Kino, she is usually the more rational and calm of the pair, which certainly shows how sane Kino is.

Coyotito:



Is shot in the head. You may picture that for a second.

The Scorpion:



The insurmountably and undeniably most badass character. This thing simply does not take "no" for an answer. Is, however, squished by Kino, no doubt with accompanied low-budget action scenes and extreme explosions.

The Doctor:



A foreign man who believes Kino is a Dalek and refuses to treat his family. Was input as a villain by Steinbeck as he was jealous of magical British men.

The Author's Motives For Writing:​

Steinbeck finished eating a bad meal of Taco Bell whilst reading Moby Dick and The Old Man and The Sea at the same time, and was in the washroom for hours where he began to watch an anime representation of the Communist Manifesto. Simply be thankful he did not eat any angry grapes-



Er, disregard that. At least I am positive Steinbeck is not a tortilla fan-



Well, on to the major plot points.

Major Plot Points:​

- Coyotito is stung by The Scorpion, accompanied with explosions and Rammstein

- Kino discovers Tesla's left testicle inside a random oyster within the depths of the Gulf of California

- Kino leaves the 4Kids Board of Executives in furious anger after he believes they will not accept his pearl due to them offering horrible English dubbing alternatives

- The pearl allows the entire town to envy Kino, leading his family to be attacked by:
- Aristocrats
- People hired by aristocrats
- Fans of Kino's Journey
- People hired by British sci-fi television
- Explosions

- Coyotito is shot in the head

Themes/Morals:​

- Socialism vs. Capitalism
- Anime vs. Anime
- How you can find Tesla's left testicle in an oyster
- If you are a working man with any slight peculiarities you are in a Steinbeck work

Conclusion:​

What a lovely novella. Although I must recommend Steinbeck to tone down on the cheap fast food, I applaud him for acknowledging such obscure anime.

 

Oh god just...oh god so much win

 

^This .

 

Nooooooooo, Coyotito! Porquéééééééééé?!

 

(If this becomes popular enough I shall commence with one of these every few weeks.)


Who am I kidding, this shall most likely die tonight.

 

The Pearl=epic fail. Too depressing.

Your take on the Pearl=Epic win yes-ness. 'Specially the Doctor part. I'd give you reps, but the site won't let me.

 

Please ingest a large dose of arsenic. I haven't finished watching that.

 

And here you said we couldn't be as epic as Creepy. [/reference only Ashwin will get]

 

Oh no, I still believe we are much too far from that.

 

If they taught The Pearl like this, I think I would have enjoyed it more. Especially if it had David Tennant in it.

 

What? that was beautiful.

 

We're on our way, Ashwin.

We're on our way.

Fukken saved

 

Scarlett Letter.
I will find every copy
and burn them all.
AND DANCE AROUND THE FUCKING BONFIRE.

 

I didn't think it was possible, but you just made a ******ed book even more ******ed.
._.

 

I am debating whether that's superior to My Immortal or not. I have decided My Immortal wins out by a fairly large margin, because your one makes significantly more sense and doesn't include Marty Mcfly.

 

wat .

 

Needs moar wrist slitting and moar MCR.

 

Needs moar wrist slitting and moar MCR.

 

Ashwin this is amazing xD I demand more. B|

Tennant makes EVERYTHING better.