And it's about to spill over entirely. [Wall of text/rant] I try not to have too many problems in life unless it's something menial like a boy, or maybe school, etc, and when I do have bigger issues, they seem to never show. It feels like they'll be spilling here soon, so I need a bit of help to keep that from happening because if it does, I think things aren't going to end well for me or anyone else around me. For a while now, life has been nothing short of frustrating - lemme give you a little insight to my family: My mother has Tourette's syndrome and she's also very neurotic, controlling, and a bit OCD about what everyone thinks of her. My dad is a bipolar, (and when he gets the chance) drunk, violent, (sometimes) son of a bitch. My sister is an uncooperative, smart-ass, defiant, little brat, and I'm a sarcastic, bipolar, lazy, bitch that couldn't give two shIts even if I wanted to. the rest of my outside family is just as, if not more, dysfunctional as we are. Lately, my dad hasn't really been talking to the rest of us because he's all mad and crap about god knows what, and all my mom seems to be doing lately is yelling at me for something I said, and yelling at my sister for something she said, and then yelling at me again because it's all my fault in the first place. Another thing is that a boy who had given me a kidney when I was thirteen is in the hospital for whatever reason that his mom is keeping from me, and it looks like he might not make it, and there's a good chance it could be my fault because I've got his other kidney. Awesome right? Now I get to be responsible for someone's death, and mom can just yell at me some more. Coming up in October, I have to go to court to testify against a man who sexually assaulted me when I was a little girl, mind you it happened more than once. I don't want to go and do this bullshit because no one seems to understand that I couldn't care less whether the man gets arrested for not - the only reason I'm testifying in the first place is because that's what everyone wants me to do, forget what I want. It's mostly my mom and she wants revenge because she's just a bitch like that. -Everyone is telling me that it's the right thing to do, but they couldn't care less about what I want which is to not testify, but I can't seem to get myself up to calling my lawyer and saying that I just don't wanna do it - not to mention even if I did, there's no guaranteeing that I can get out of it now. It feels like all I've been doing lately is listening to my mom and dad yell at each other because they don't give two shits about their daughters that are listening and the older one that wants them to shut the **** up because she sick of hearing it. To add on to all the stress, I've been having some mental issues as well, because there's something that's dragging me into a world that I want and at the same time want to stay away from because it's not real and it's not healthy for me to want that world. My councilor told me I needed to differentiate, and so has everyone else, but they don't seem to be telling me the thing I wanna hear - which I have no idea what that might be yet, but I feel like if I hear it, maybe I'll be okay with that part of my life. Because this..."OCD" thing I'm starting to develop feels like it's going to get dangerous very soon if I don't do something about it. I've also been contemplating just simply leaving my house for good, even though I don't know what good that'll do me, since I've got nowhere to go, no job to keep me going, and have no work ethic whatsoever, so that's getting to be a problem too. So...yeah. Troubles seem to come when you don't want them. [/Wall of text/rant]
Just do what you think is right. No one can blame you for that, nor do they have the right to. Cheesy as this may sound, as long as you stay true to who you are as a person, then the answers will come to you eventually. This is how I recently broke out of a 3-year long depression when I was all on my own: by focusing my thoughts on who I am and what I want. No therapists or councillors can tell you what that is. When you realize what that is, pursue it. It's a lot easier than it seems when you figure things out. Just think about it. You'll get it. I have faith that you will.
Gosh, I just want to give you a hug. I would have never expected any of this - you're such a bright person, from what I know of from speaking with you in the forum and stuff. Really, I wouldn't have ever guessed until I read this - which is possibly why I may not be of much help, and might be rambling a little bit. I'm quite speechless, or well, typeless. But I hope I do help. um, yeah. Here it goes. Well, obviously, I can tell you you're a really strong person. Like mentioned, I never expected this or it never even crossed my mind. So like Spike said, do what you feel is right. You're human - but all of them are too. We all have equal rights and dignity and stuff. It's only ourselves that see others as superior - only if we let them. Of course, I don't mean doing anything totally reckless - which I'm sure you won't be but you should be standing up for yourself. I can see that you already are, but continue this. And don't let things get to you. Things happen to everyone for a reason - and we don't have to understand that reason, but we just have to know that in the end, no matter how far that will be, it's going to be okay. Maybe this could help. I do this every morning and night. Well, I talk to God but if you don't want to you can just talk to yourself. No harm in that, I do it all the time - haha. Every time I wake up in the morning, I tell myself: "It's going to be a great day." And say it is a great day, or say it wasn't the best. But either way, at night, I think about that day. Then, I count and say everything I'm thankful for. Even if that whole day everything is wrong and sad and depressing. Because in the end, I always thank one thing, and it never changes. I thank that I have a life. That I am alive. It makes me smile before I go to bed. Yeah. You don't have to of course, but it is nice. Though, yeah, you don't have to. Also. Know that we're here for you. Everyday, Saxima. And I will be too. If you ever need to talk to someone or anything, you come here. I think we all know you can get through this. Sorry if I didn't help much, but I really hope everything gets fixed for you and everything is just amazing and awesome. You deserve it. <3
