Venting & in need of some sort of advice i suppose

1. On Father’s Day this year my family got into this whole big chaotic mess of a fight and my dad told us he was leaving us. We all begged him to stay and my mom and him talked because that’s what it took for her to realize that she has to fix herself and stop fighting with everyone, especially me. My mom and I have a complicated relationship. She is harder on me than anyone I know but expects me to talk to her about things going on in my life with ease. Her and I fight about everything. And I guess that’s why I’ve changed so much over the years into doing whatever I want and not caring. The fights have numbed me into being immune to disappointment. She doesn’t trust me or anyone else in my family. Yet even in my environment I am responsible and show responsibility. I do not come home drunk or high, I do not make an ass out of myself and embarrass her. I do well in school. I’m just trying to make it by and have fun and be happy and I guess she used to stand in the way of that and now suddenly she is trying to change but I just can’t let her in easily. Is this immaturity on my part? I forgive but just not this easily. All of my life she’s made me feel like I’m the burden of the family and I’m to blame but now she loves me and she tells me it’s not my fault that my dad almost left. I just can’t believe it after everything that’s happened. I can’t go from being the “black sheep†to being a key part of my family. It’s to drastic for my mind to imagine at this point that I mean something to her sometimes.

2. I am always getting complaints on anonymous whether it’s formspring or tumblr or even a friend I get into a fight with that I’ve changed. Not that I take anon’s seriously but it makes me wonder. I know I’ve changed over the years. Some members here can probably see that. I’ve changed from being straightedge and honestly a complete push over to someone who socially does things and can stand up for myself. I guess when you’re friends with someone who’s spineless and ugly and they gradually improve their convidence and learn how to use makeup it’s shocking and not as good as the person I was before. I feel like I’ve gotten better. I’ve grown more confidence in myself, I’m happier with who I am, I still like the same things I’ve always have, I just try things out in life and won’t take crap from people anymore. But is this really something to complain about? I mean I know not everyones going to like me but it bugs me that people view a transition to be a bad thing. I live for change. Doing the same stuff over and over is boring and not thrilling. Am I just being ignorant? This didn’t happen in a day either, as nothing does. I find that people blame my boyfriend and friends and other influences for something that isn’t a big deal in my opinion. I’m not abusing anything whether it be a person, a substance, or myself. I don’t have an addictive personality, and I don’t think smoking weed and drinking is something to brag about. I don’t like talking about that stuff because it changes how people think of me for some reason. But I guess I’m ranting and it needs to be said now because I’m getting a worse rep than I deserve among the people who wish for the “old me†which I don’t find to be as desirable or that drastically different than me currently.

sorry for grammer etc it's late and im tired and i just needed to vent

 

Well, you have to cut your mom a little slack. I'm imagining the issues between her and your father are not anything new, and she may have been taking out some of that frustration on you in the past. That of course isn't fair to you--and trust me, I've been through similar situations, and it sucks--but she's only human. And at least now she seems to be trying to change.

I understand that you're afraid to be vulnerable around your mother, for fear of her hurting you again, but I think you should try to lower your guard just a little. You can keep yourself safe and still let her in. This can't be an easy time for either of you--you'll get through it to be sure, but it might be a little easier if you allow one another to lean on each other. If you're afraid of her slipping into bad habits and criticizing you for grades or your lifestyle choices, talk to her about it. Tell her how much it hurts you, and while you do appreciate her advice and guidance, remind her that you are your own person and you have to be allowed to make choices for yourself. There is a way for her to give her opinion and still respect that, which she I suppose will have to learn. But likewise, you're going to have to learn to let her in. It's something you'll both have to work on. In the end I don't know your entire history with your mother, but if there's any part of you that has hope that you two can have a relationship, I think you should take a leap of faith and give it a try,

It's silly for people to expect you to be a stoic being. That's not how humans work, especially not ones at your age. As long as you are happy with who you are, and you're not hurting yourself or others, then I don't think there's anything wrong. People change and grow apart all the time. Friends don't change and evolve together--yes they may influence one another, positively or negatively, but there's nothing wrong with making new friends and moving onto a new group if you're happy in that new group. Don't let them make you feel ashamed for being a living, breathing person.

That's not to say that you should cast away your old friends, though. It's a similar situation, I think, to the one with your mom--they can give their input on your life, and they might not agree with some of what you do, but that shouldn't bring a full stop to your friendship. You should listen to what they have to say and their concerns, and likewise, they should respect that these are your choices to make. But just because you don't agree on everything doesn't mean you can't be friends. There could be one friend you like to snorkel with and one friend you like to horseback ride with. That doesn't make either of them any less of a friend, or you two-faced, it's just that different people enjoy different things, and just because you snorkel with one friend doesn't mean you have to snorkel with all your friends. (Does that make sense? we're in the same time zone so I'm sure you get that I'm tired, lol)
But if they're the type of people who can't look past things like that, then it's time to just drop the friendship and stop caring about what they think. It's easier said than done, of course, but it can be done.

 

1. I can relate. It's never gotten so bad that someone wanted to leave... Ok, that's a lie, because I want to leave. I doubt my situation is the same, so I'll spare you the details and get to the point: A little forgiveness goes a long way. You have a unique perspective and influence on the people closest to you, and that can be a good or a bad thing. Even when your mother was not at her best, you took a lot of good from her in the way you grew and developed. I'd say you have a very healthy and promising outlook. But take note of the way she shaped you... and imagine how you can shape her. Don't tell me it's not the same. As I grow older, I see the signs. Sometimes your children are the only ones who tell you anything about yourself. If they lay it on thick enough, you start to believe it. Have faith in her, not because you think she's changed, but because you want her to change. Embrace her change the way you want people to embrace yours. You are under no obligation to "fix" your family or shoulder all the responsibility, but if she's already headed in the right direction, you don't have to fight it. Don't just write it off as fake or forced; you can influence that yourself. You can decide whether this is the new her or not. And if you do everything in your power to improve relations with her and things turn sour again, at least you'll know you gave all you had. That will go a long way.

2. Anyone who expects you to be static is fooling themselves. You just keep on truckin', girl. You've got to be a lot of ways and experience a lot of things before you need to start thinking about compromise, if you ever do. If people take notice, it just means you're standing out more. No harm in that. And yes, sometimes you become something you dislike, but usually the signs are much clearer than a bunch of people complaining about your attitude. If you need a second opinion, I think you're doing just fine. If you think so too, stay the course, and let the haters fall behind. The ones that really care about you will either stick with you, or catch up at some point and recognize the good in you. I know it to be true.

 

Just give them time. As long as you're happy with who you are then that's all that matters, but stop doing that "old you/new you" thing because that's what puts people in an identity crisis and they eventually breakdown (this is the one thing I can claim to know from my own experience). There's only one you and there's only ever been one of you.

You'll have to put in some effort for your mother, though. If she genuinely wants to make ammends, then I'd like to think that you two will eventually develop a closer relationship. In the meantime, just do what you think is right.