I: Say whatever the **** you want. II: You can buy a gun so you can keep the King of England out of your face. III: We can’t force you to let soldiers crash at your place. IV: The government needs a reason to go through your ****. A good reason. V: If you break the law, you don’t have to admit it. VI: You always get to talk to your lawyer first. VII: You can let 12 randoms decide your fate instead of a judge. VIII: The government can’t do Jack Bauer **** to you. IX: You have rights we don’t talk about here. Like, if you get your girlfriend pregnant, you can take her to Planned Parenthood. X: The states have rights too. We’re gonna ignore them, though. XI: States don’t have to pay their debts. Good luck if one owes you money. XII: So, we ****ed up the 1800 election, but they’re gonna run smoothly from here on out, we promise. XIII: If you do work, they gotta pay you. XIV: Everyone is equal under the law. Good luck if you live in the South though. XV: Black people can vote. But white people can still try hard to prevent them from from doing so. XVI: Sorry, gotta pay taxes XVII: State legislatures can’t elect senators. Nobody pays attention to state assembly races. XVIII: You can’t drink. XIX: Women can vote. They’re smarter than us, anyway. XX: If the president dies, somebody who got elected should probably replace him. XXI: Fine, you can drink. XXII: The president can only serve two terms. Otherwise we’d be England, and we still think they suck. XXIII: If you live in Washington, DC, you get to vote for president. Only the Democratic candidate, though. XXIV: Now it’s a little harder to prevent black people from voting. XXV: If the president dies, the new president can appoint a VP. Otherwise the Speaker of the House would take over, and he’s usually an idiot. XXVI: College kids can vote for president. They actually care about that ****. XXVII: It’s harder for Congress to give itself a pay raise. They’ll still do it, though.
If the first 17 people in the Presidential Succession line die, the Postmaster General becomes president. I already have an assassination plot brewing. America will become a lost invitation in the mail by the time I'm through.
