It has been a while since I've been up here and I want to see if I lost my touch or not. ------------------------------------------------------------A man in his twenties with dark blonde hair wearing white clad clothes walks in the street when his nano machines starts to react to a silverette, young girl in her preteens in unconscious state. Uncertain if she is the one after all these years, he grabs her wrist roughly then flips it over to see a crescent moon. "It is her... After all this time..." He whispers in a low voice as he gently lowers back to the ground. The blonde stands there in shock for a couple of minutes. Once he regain his composure, he carries her bridal style then heads back to the headquarters. The man named Cain Nightroad isn't really human as he appears to be. Him, his twin brother and young sister, and a red-haired woman are Crusniks, a race quite unique that are created by humans. A race of vampires that feeds off other vampires. He and his twin brother loathes them the most. Cain brushes a few strands away from her sleeping form. It is not him to pick up a girl off the street. He just couldn't figure out why this youth holds a special place inside of him. The only way to find out is when the little girl wakes up. ------------------------------------------------------------ There should be grammar errors and I just got into this anime. PM me if anyone is OOC.
As per your request for someone to comment on this, i'm here. Right off the bat, i have to say that the font color has to change. It's extremely hard to read and can easily turn people off from reading any further. Another thing: Length. Three paragraphs is nowhere near enough to cram all the information that you have into these three blocks. You have a story that has introduced three characters, yet there is no real flow between the scenes. In english, it's rushed. Slow it down, supply more details, what is the weather like, did anyone see the girl being taken away and become suspicious? Details like these can lure the reader in. Cain Nightroad....first name is good, last name...doesn't blend with the first and it doesn't seem like a real name. Don't take this as utter death and you should never write again, if you merely retool this, you can have a great start and a story that can lure the reader deeper into your clutches.
well lets help out. but i think shades said almost everything. this is lacking detail...a lot of it. as shades said it seems rushed. and its short, i consider you revise this and keep going, the plot is there , just try to expand on things.
Sorry, this is my signature color. Just a head's up, I like dialogue. ------------------------------------------------------------ "Ah, Father Nightroad. Nice to see you again." A man in round glasses that held kindness, warm-hearted, and sorrow behind those blue eyes smiles to his greeter. "It is a pleasure, Sister Deborah." He looks at the young children playing then notices one boy sitting by himself underneath the shady tree. "Who is that one over there?" She follows his direction. "That unfortunate soul doesn't have any parents or relatives. The one who brought him in said he talks to himself. The children don't want to go near him." The man silently asks Sister for permission and she nods. A few children who were playing stopped as a tall man with long, silver hair tied by a black ribbon in priest's clothes walks towards a lonely boy. The curious ones circles around the two of them while others continue to play. He kneels down to meet the young boy's eye level. "Why aren't you playing with other children?" The boy has blonde hair that glows like a halo under the sun with deathly pale skin. His guess is from the lack of sunlight. "My sister is gone... They took her away from me..." He turns around to see Sister Deborah watching them just as curious as the children. "Sister, could you please escort the rest of the children back inside? I would like to speak to him alone." "Yes, right away Father." She turns her attention to the little ones who are asking numerous questions that some she couldn't even answer. He smiles as he watches many innocent lives walk back into the church. It is the sort like them that made him change his perspective about humanity. He turns his attention to the golden haired boy. "What is your sister's name?" "Lewanna Hunter." He answers in a hollow voice. "The ones who took her are Methuselah." The silver haired notices a sun symbol on the boy's neck. "Where did you get that mark?" He covers his hand over it. "It is a birthmark. My sis has a moon on her wrist." The priest looks at it with fancination. "Say...not to be rude but, how old are you?" "Over eight hundred years old." He answers. "You didn't even tell me your name, Father." "Oh! Forgive me of my rudeness. I'm Abel Nightroad." He introduces himself as he extends out a hand. He smiles happily. The little boy takes it and shakes his hand. "I'm Samson Hunter." ------------------------------------------------------------ I looked up the names Abel and Cain. Apparently they are in the Bible in the book of Genesis. Lewanna means moon while Samson means sun.
