So, I'm having guy troubles. I know, joyous. We'll call him Ben because that is easy to spell xD. Anyway, I met Ben September 2011 when he came to our school for sixth form, he was in my english literature class. We talked a lot between lessons and became quickly acquainted and I could sense that he took quite a shine to me as I did to him. We ended up sitting next to each other on the bus ride to the Royal Shakespeare company in stratford to see Merchant of Venice with school and we talked for the entire journey. When we got there we got food and just carried on talking as friends and we requested tickets next to each other. I could sense where this was heading and I just hoped my instincts were right. About 20 minutes into the show Ben tapped me on the shoulder, I looked at him and we ended up making out, I sat with his arm around me for the rest of the performance but was continuously distracted by him (which was nice but also a shame because I wanted to watch the play- it had Patrick Stewart in it). We held hands in the interval and all was good until the bus journey back. He basically told me that he had a girlfriend and I was horrified simply because I didn't know. I ended up feeling quite furious with him for daring to cheat on his girlfriend and quickly went off him. He also told me on the trip back that he "one day wanted to have a relationship with me" which has remained in my mind ever since. We remained friends and I finally forgave him when he basically told me that he was stuck with her because she said to him "leave me and I kill myself" which was quite serious. Mouth open, I asked him if he thought Pam would go through with it and he just stared at me gravely, "Yes, I don't doubt it for a second." So he was stuck and I tried all I could to help him, over time discovering her to be a controlling, manipulative woman with selfish intentions. I stuck by Ben feeling very protective over him hoping she wouldn't shatter him into pieces. In December, he facebooked me and told me Pam had left him and had been cheating on him for ages. He didn't exactly like her but he felt very caring over her and well, he's been cheated on and that can't make anyone feel good. So we went out for coffee and talked for ages about things and it was nice, it was then that I realised I was beginning to like him again. We met up on Christmas eve and went for coffee and just walking around town and it was just lovely. A few Saturdays ago he invited me to Rugeley where we bought picnic food from the supermarket and walked for about an hour to a hill with a huge rock on it where we sat and ate our food... in the middle of January. Yes it was cold and the snow was upon us but it was gorgeous and I loved spending time with him. We talked about where we saw ourselves in the future, him an archaeologist, me a psychiatrist (I laughed at the potential Doctor Who reference)- after I said I wanted to be married with two kids he nodded and said the same. It made me feel warm inside... even if he was lying, which he might have been, to make us appear more compatible. We must have talked for a good 6 hours and I went home on a high and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I think he likes me back but I can't be certain. After that Saturday I felt incredibly shy around him because I liked him so much... I may have been ignoring him at places. I feel now I've sent him mixed signals and scared him off but I could just be seeing things, he may not like me in that way so I'm unsure- I think he does but I have been wrong about these things before leading to very awkward moments. I definitely want to tell him how I feel but I don't know if I should or not. There are various reasons against, including: he's recently broken up with Pam so it could be a rebound situation (although it's been 2 months), he's got a reputation as a bit of a player (heck, I know- he cheated on his girlfriend with me), we're both off to university soon (hopefully) so it'll turn into a long distance relationship which I think I could handle and he's got a date with some girl on valentines day (it's not something serious, just a date- not girlfriend material I was told). I want to tell him before I could potentially lose him again but am feeling very apprehensive. So KHV, shall I tell him how I feel?
Alright let's look at this. This guy has cheated on a girlfriend with you without telling, shown affaction towards you after the girlfriend who cheated on him (technically he cheated first with you, might have been revenge), is dating another girl for valentines and hasn't made a move on you in over a year. I've seen this type of person before, they usually rely being in a relationship no matter what, they love and crave affection. Typically they cheat on their partner, blame it on them and continue seeking new partners. Honestly Enzy, the evidence likely means he'll cheat on you. Believe me, you don't want to be cheated on by a serial cheater, you don't deserve it. My advice? Don't get into a relationship. It might be a nice few months in the summer, but as soon as you go off to uni, he'll be cheating on you, if not before. Or he'll just end it saying he can't handle long distance relationships when he already has someone else up to date, and find out months later he was cheating on you. Have fun with him as a friend but don't get emotionally hurt in the end just because you get attracted to this guy.
I don't know whether or not you'd still be looking for advice at this point, but I feel like you should do it as soon as you feel comfortable with it. I've never really been in this situation before -- whether it be the cheating, the kiss or even this sort of love in general -- so forgive me if my advice ends up being worthless. As much as I may agree with PaW, you'll never really know unless you try. I care about you and I'd love it if the world was perfect when it came down to romance and relationships, but the odds are stacked against him from what I can see. I'm sure you've heard the story about how I was head over heels for a guy (let's call him "G") who was undoubtedly a total player, a jock and a royal ass, but I never told him how I felt; instead, he heard it secondhand from his on-and-off girlfriend (who'd heard it in turn from a "friend" of mine) and scoffed at the thought. Point is that you have to try. Even now I think about what might've been between myself and G, and it kills me to know that, under different circumstances, it might've even worked out (though that may be the hopeless optimist in me). Don't wait until he's gone to even try and make it work; heartbreak is inevitable in life and, to quote some English literature, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
I thank you both for your advice, I told him. I walked home with him on wednesday and was about to tell him but I just couldn't get the words out. I asked him about his date and he just brushed it off as nothing basically- it was just meeting up with a friend that people had emphasised and said it was a date. I went hope very distressed and I wasn't sure why. At that point I decided to drop it and simply rely on him- if he did something then I would happily take it but otherwise I would do nothing. This lasted until thursday morning when I was in Chemistry and all my friends were prodding me about it, I brushed them off and told them I'd given up on doing anything about it- I wasn't going to tell him. A lot of my friends agreed and said it was for the best... at the start of the lesson. At break I was speaking to my friend Bethan who basically said I should go for it and then my best friend agreed saying it didn't matter what anyone else said- it's about me. Their main concern was they know him as a weird person- his immediate persona is one of a freak but once you get to know him (like I do) then he's incredible sweet and troubled. So I eventually built up the courage to do it but not face to face (cowardly? Probably) so I did it over Facebook by sending him a message. It took me hours to build up the courage to send it off but I did and ran away from the computer lest he came online. The next day I came onto the computer, fearful of logging onto facebook but after I finally did... I had no message from him. He'd been online as he had set a status but nothing. I have come to the conclusion that he is either thinking about it, ignoring it or doesn't want to do any of it over facebook. I'll find out tomorrow in English literature which one it is. I doubt he would ignore it because he's not like that, he's a very caring, compassionate guy.
