The Way to the Dawn- The story of Riku's struggle between light and darkness Preview

Hello, fans. Ventus108 now presents the preview of the first chapter of my Riku fan fiction.


Maybe, you've heard of me. Maybe you haven't. But, I'm sure you have heard of my friend Sora.
Well, this is about me. Not about him. It all started 10 years ago, when I got passed the power of the Keyblade. my name is Riku, and this is my story.

The Way to the Dawn- The story of Riku's struggle between light and darkness.​

"C'mon Sora! You gotta be faster than that!" I said.
"Riku, slow down." he replied.

We were 4 years old and we didn't have a care in the world. When we got to our hangout, Sora asked me:
"Riku, do you ever wonder what's out there?"
"Out where?" I asked.
"Outside of our world." he replied.
“Yeah, I do.†I said.

Sora looked over to the pier.
“Oh, hi! We’re over here!†he yelled.
I smiled. “Sora, you’ll never change,†I thought.
“First one to the boat gets to be captain, Riku! Let’s go!†said Sora. Then he took off for the boat.
As we ran past the seashore, I saw a stranger with brown hair looking out to sea.
“Hey, are you from another world?†I asked him.
“How did you kno?†he replied.

 

Okay, this doesn't seem too original . . . at the moment. I noticed one fatal flaw that made me want to leave immediately . . . he said. You use these too many times. In a story that is being narrated by one of the characters you don't need to use it all the time.
Exp. "Do you know why we are here?", I asked him.
"No", he replied.
"Yet you are here anyway, why?"
"I . . . I don't know, okay!"

You getting that, if you do continue to use this form of writing I suggest you use more words to help describe.
Exp. "Do you know why we are here?", I asked him in a menacing tone.
"No", he replied with almost no emotion whatsoever.
"Yet you are here anyway, why?", I was questioning his very existence.
"I . . . I don't now, okay!", he was becoming furious.

Okay, other than that I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors. I would like to see how your work improves and see if you take this story to a whole new level. I am sure that you can if you just work on your dialog. Also, try making you sentences longer and adding more detail to your work. Hope this helps.

 

appreciate the help. thanks alot. Ill work on it