There are many dangerous things in this life, most of which exist everywhere you go. Here in this world, there are six acts of crime that are more dangerous than any other. There is a reason why they were outlawed, I am sure. I am not exactly positive of why, or even if it was a good reason, though I am sure I will find out. You see I happened to have found myself accompanying one of those six. Her name is When. I am not even sure how I ended up here, oh well. Chapter 0 When They Met I woke up yawning as usual, "Okay, let's get this day started!" I showered, brushed my teeth, and got dressed. I walked downstairs to my living room. I turned on the TV, more news as usual. I walked in my kitchen to fix breakfast and a woman I didn't know was standing there eating a bowl of cereal. My bowl of cereal. I worked around the woman to fix my breakfast, "Good morning!" She didn't respond. I left the kitchen and went back to the living room with breakfast to watch TV. I finished eating and returned to the kitchen, the woman was still there. "Hello there," I tried again. Yet again no answer. I shrugged it off and started to walk away. "Hello," she finally replied. I kind of chuckled, "My name is Anthony." "Okay, well goodbye," she started to leave. "Wait!" I stopped her. I had no reason to, but something was bothering me. "You didn't tell me your name." "You didn't ask." I was shocked, it wasn't custom to ask someone there name. It was normal to just give it. "Where did you come from," I quickly covered my mouth in shock. I had just violated a major rule and had no clue as to why. She seemed to be taken aback, "You just asked me a question." "Please, don't report me. I promise it won't happen again. Please!" I was pleading. She broke out into laughter, "Report you, ha. You are very interesting. Not many people ask questions." "No one does, because it's illegal!" I yelled, mostly because she was laughing at such an important matter. "Well, you already asked one question and I will give you the answer, I am from a village just south of the Wasteland." "The Wasteland, then you must be!" I was shocked. Anyone who comes from the Wasteland is highly dangerous. They get tough because they had to grow up in such a despicable place. "Well anyway, you should go ahead and ask me who I am." "Why?" again I covered my mouth. "That's why, two out of six. Come on just one more." She was taunting me. "Who in the world are you?!" I didn't cover my mouth this time, I was past that point. "Well well, interesting. My name is When." "When, as in one of the six?" "Yes, and don't you find it odd that you're asking questions now? Like it was natural," she began laughing again. "Why, why am I asking questions? You did something to me didn't you!" "If you would come back down and find me in your kitchen again what would you do?" "I would say why the h*** are you in my kitchen!!!" "That is what I thought. I like you. Would you like to come with me?" "Where?" I didn't realize it but I had a new-found hunger, a hunger for the knowledge that was just beyond my reach before. "To re-write the laws and free the land of its shackles." "When . . . is that your real name?" "No." "Why don't you use your real name?" "To cause chaos, and to make people ask questions." I didn't realize it then but that would be a witty remark back before the laws were passed, "Well are there others like you?" "Yea, four to be exact. Who, where, why and what." "What about how?" "No how, yet." "Then I will do it. I don't know why, but I am sure I will find out." "Then How it is." "Where do we start?" "Well we-" When was interrupted by a knocking at the door. "Pizza Delivery!" the voice rang from behind the door. "I didn't order any." I yelled. "It has your name right here." "How do you know my name?" I froze, forgetting the very laws we had talked about moments ago. I heard the box drop and a click. "Get back," When yelled. She pulled out a gun and began to fire at the door. The only thing I could focus on was the symbol on the side of the gun. It was a question mark and though it seems so plain, it was the most peculiar thing I had ever seen.
O wow! this is really good!!! I really like it. I haven't really read peoples works, and i don't know if this is like the Traditional Art forum where you want feed back, but i'll give you some anyway:) What i Like: 1. the Idea of you aren't allowed to ask questions, kinda like Anthem (dunno if you've read that) 2. the six members whose names are the six questions. 3. Amazingly suspenseful!!! i wanna read more! What would need improvements: 1. The only thing i can really think of would be develop the plot, expand it a bit. (felt things were a little fast pace, but that's prolly cause of the thread?) 2. I haven't gotten to know the characters better, but maybe when Anthony first meets When, describe her, give the characters little things that make them distinct from the others. (I can imagine that is harder in writing, cause i create my own manga (graphic novels) and it's hard enough to give 'em flare, even when you don't need to describe the characters cause they're drawn.) But other than that, it's a great idea! I wanna read more, i wanna meet the other characters too. (both Protagonists and Antagonists) But all in all, you did great i love it:)
i liked this! you used 'I' too many times at the beginning of sentences, especially towards the beginning. the concept of banning qiestion is a great one. i personally have always liked it. but you missed a few: did, do, can and will. as in "Did you know?" "Do you see it?" "Can you help me?" and "Will it happen soon?" im pretty sure 'if' is in there too, but i cant think of a sentence using just 'if'.
Thank you both for your input, I appreciate the feedback. Okay so . . . 1. I didn't care to give descriptions in this chapter seeing as it is solely for the purpose of letting you know how How (A.K.A. Anthony) met When. 2. I was using I excessively "I" know (lol) but seriously like I said this was solely for the purpose of letting you know how they met because the beginning of the story (chapter 1) will start several years later (saving a few years for filler if I have to use it) 3. Since there is a significant time difference between this chapter and the next I will introduce (describe) them then. If you want however I will go ahead and give you How's and When's descriptions. Spoiler How: A tempered male figure like Tomoya from Clannad. Black hair and wears shorts with a thin hoody (hood-over head) with no sleeves. He dawns the Spoiler Mystery Pendant which will be introduced at a later time. Regular black sneakers. When: A feisty female fighter like Corti (Full Power Form) in Polyphonica. Blood red hair, a black sleeveless shirt with blue jeans, a black pair of sneakers, a black hooded poncho (will usually be thrown off), and finally a clock pendant with no hands. Links to Characters in references (originals from show not from the story) for imagery purposes only. Spoiler Who When (On the left)
