In English we had to write a story about someone who was asked by the King to deliver a message to someone in Sutton Coldfield (England. This is meant to be in the older ages with magic and swords and sheilds.) For my Story I used Saïx and Lea I used as Axels former self but I won't go into that. Please tell me what you think, they may not be long chapters but hopefully thats not a problem. This isn't about the orgainsation I just used the characters and everyone does have a heart, but not all exist. THE KINGS QUEST Chapter one- A trip down the road of craziness His olive green eyes stared at me like they were stuck with glue. Leas flaming red hair flowed in the wind; he rested his hand on the hilt of his sword preparing to attack. He just stood there like he was frozen to the spot yet the sun was beaming down and making it hotter then being in the centre of a flame. I drew my dai- Katana and went in for the attack only to be blocked by his long sword. We battled for what felt like hours when finally I knocked him to the floor, his hands bleeding yet he did not yell in pain. I watched, as he slowly got up- no expression in his face, when suddenly a large flash of light blinded me for a second and then… nothing…pain started to flow through my body. I screamed in anger swinging my sword violently at him but Lea dodged every attack. Rage burned in my eyes- I felt ready to start a forest fire just using my anger. I pulled my sword back and stabbed Lea right in the stomach. My vision began to blur from all my tears, blood and sweat running down my forehead to my eyes. The sun beat down burning my skin. I began to shake before falling to the ground. I was victorious. A loud bark woke me up. “Arr! Dilan!†I yelled sitting up on my solid bed gradually getting up. “What is it?†I rubbed my eyes and walked over to the mirror. “Lea…he’s dead. Why am I remembering that now?†I looked at the scar covering my face- the one Lea had given me. Dilan barked again but this time louder. “Alright, I’m coming.†I picked up my Dai-Katana for defence and walked through my bedroom door into the kitchen. “Ok Dilan, what is this abou-“ I looked up to see two men in armour wielding their tower shields with their million weapons on their backs. “Saïx. The king requests your presence.†Silence. I knelt down on one knee- bowing before King Xemnas. “Your majesty. I’m honoured to be in your presence.†I really wasn’t though, we were the best of mates since birth, we met each other and stuck together until he found out his dad was the old King. I was left alone, sobbing in a flood of my own tears as he grinned triumphantly, ruling over Nottingham- ignoring me all together. Luckily, I found Dilan, my pet wolf, he kept me company. “You may rise Saïx.†Xemnas said in his calm deep voice. I got up smiling fakily at him who was sitting on a mile high throne. “ Now, I have given you the job of delivering this scroll to Lord Kadaj of Sutton Coldfield. One thing that you must not do is read it- or let anyone else read it, not even I know what it says.†He threw the worn out scroll down to me landing directly in my clutch. “Don’t let me down, you’re my most trusted messenger. If you fail then I don’t know what to do.†I bowed slightly and left without another word. I got to my hut and burst through the door grunting repeatedly. “Why me? Yeah I’m a trusted messenger but I’m not the only person he trusts. Get someone more loyal to do it.†I moaned stuffing the scroll into a small sack along with all the gold I kept in my house, my black hooded cloak, a potion that I invented that would give you a proper meal in one drop. I passed my small laser dagger and pushed that right into my fat leather belt. I got my dai- katana I placed it round my shoulder and headed for the door. I lay my hand on its worn out wood that would easily give you splinters. What if I never returned? What if Dilan died? I turned around cringing at the thought of a dead best buddy. “Come on Dilan. We don’t want anything horrible to happen while I’m gone now do we?†I smiled as he enthusiastically ran over to my feet sniffing at the bandages that coiled around them like snakes. It was daylight by the time I finally set off; we trudged down the dusty path the sun shining down with all its might. Sweat trickled down my sunburnt cheek; I took a glance at the fresh tree’s happily swaying in the heat. “Hey he looks like a wealthy fellow.†Someone said, failing miserably at whispering. “Okay, jump in one…two…JUMP!†Three full grown hairy men jumped out in front of me. I didn’t budge an inch for I heard their plans. “Can I help you?†I said calmly. One of the men- the leader by the look of it had long black dreadlocks and sideburns which devoured most of his cheek, the second man was quite scrawny and had an eye-patch on, despite his lack of muscle he looked very fierce. The third looked extremely bored- he had the look on his face that was sort of I-really-don’t-want-to-be-here. “Hand over all your goods or we take them.†The leader snapped. Dilan began to growl at them viciously preparing to pounce. “Down Dil.†I said as if nothing was wrong. A flash of light filled the wilderness for only seconds, when it disappeared I felt something weighing down my hand. A giant key rested in my clutch just like a sword. “ARR! What is that?!†I dropped it in shock and jumped well away from this deformed weapon. It disappeared leaving sparkles of light falling to the fresh grass and came back to my grasp. The highwaymen screamed their hearts out and ran for their lives leaving me puzzled. “So you’re Saïx. I hoped it wasn’t true.†A calm voice from behind me said, I turned around even more confused. “You don’t say much do you?†he laughed, I couldn’t see his face for it was hidden underneath a hooded cloak just like mine. “Who…who are you? How do you know my name?†I said pointing at him fiercely, he took his hood down to reveal a man no older then 25 with light red hair, he had goggles on but they rested on his forehead. He reached into his hood and picked out his long ponytail. “I don’t think we’ve met. The names Reno.†He grinned evilly. “We haven’t met no.†I looked at my weapon. Had he followed itWas it something really magical? “Arr yes, the keyblade. I never knew you were a wielder.†I looked up at him surprised. What did he want? If he wasn’t after this then what? “A key…blade?†Reno just laughed. (Chapter two soon)
Yeah, this is alright. I'm not exactly excited (no offense). The story is kinda um, stilted (is that the word?) Oh well, it just kinda has some bits where I feel like I have no idea who's doing what and where. Also the character choice seems kinda off. This is constructive criticism, and I think with a little more work this could be significantly better.
Thanks anyway. I've finished it and given it in anyway so there is nothing I can do, I know my writing is very confusing and I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way I'm just saying to look over it and like get another persons perspective on it. I have trouble with such editing 'cause I know what I mean but I don't know if everyone else will. Like when Saix is called to the king he never actually goes there you just say "Silence." and have him suddenly there. Also the "million weapons on their backs." thing had me sorta confused. Just keep writing if you like to or want to or something like that, practice makes perfect (it's true I know.)
Thanks for your view, I'm not that good at writing but I was just exaggerating that the soldiers had loads of weapons with them. I suppose the Silence bit and then he's in the kings castle was a bit off- I won't edit it, it would be pointless. Thanks you so much for telling me this.
