That moment when

What about that moment?

 

Gladys sipped her drink. “And what happened to your boy who wanted money?” she asked me. “Did he change you, too?”​

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“He was a mistake,” Lila said quickly.​

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“He was,” I said, but this didn’t help, or the drink I finished. It’s one thing to forgive yourself a mistake. But if you knew it was a mistake at the time, how do you forgive yourself then? That boy Adam had left a spiral scar as he tripped through my life, but you’d expect a clumsy passage from someone who showed up carrying his shoes. I looked at Lila, who couldn’t drink what was in front of her. I thought we wouldn’t have times like this, me drunk and her sober, until she was pregnant and a boy was gone from my life. But instead she was sick and he was gone from my life. “He’s dead,” I said.​

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“He’s nothing,” Lila corrected me. “He’s less than nothing.”​

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“You can’t be less than nothing,” I said. “Thank God. He killed himself without caring about me. He shed me like skin.” I heard the talk. You can be talking, just talk, and you wish you were conveying something at the same time, but you’re not. How could you be? “He said he felt happy whenever he looked into my eyes,” I said, “but he scarcely ever did. I said I’d hold him all night and make sure nothing happened to him, and sure enough, nothing did. I thought I’d keep him because everybody should have a true love you can’t be with, but he lay in the bathtub and got gone, all guilty over something I didn’t even know about. Six years. I thought I’d be doing this with Lila when she was pregnant, not sick. Point No Point, we always said. Point No Point or bust someday.” I stood up and rested my hand on the wrecked TV just for peace and quiet. The ceilings were mirrored, with cameras behind them probably to keep all the money safe, and still I didn’t have any. “How dare he admit there’s no point?” I said, and sat down again to drink Lila’s Old Pal. “There’s no point to drinking either, but look—I’m doing it.”​

at times like that I look to book quotes for guidance.

 

It is true though, you cannot be less than nothing. You can't even be nothing. Even if it might feel differently, there is someone, somewhere, always, who cares about what you're doing and about you. And maybe there is no point to all that we do, but then, does life really have a point? This gets to the realm of religious beliefs but, being an atheist, I don't have some idea of a divine will or a master to serve. I do what makes me happy, and discard the rest. You only have so long on this planet, so why waste your time with anything that doesn't make you truly and exuberantly happy?

Not to say you should give in at the first sign of a roadblock, or that you're not going to have your downtimes, but if it's something you could see bringing you happiness, or has in the past, then you should continue towards it full steam ahead. Learn from mistakes and don't allow yourself to be guided solely by recognition from others; all that matters is you walking away happy.

<3 if you need anything

 

I know the feel bro.

What makes me stop thinking like that and get on with my life though, is to believe, or rather, know, that in my life, I actually have the ability to improve other people's lives, the most important thing to me personally. I might have my own selfish desires and wants, but in the end, I'll always prefer to know that I helped someone feel better in some way, because to me, the internal reward I feel beats any external material. And that goes for other people who should be like that to help you when you need to feel better. You need to find friends who you know would give up their own time and effort for your sake, even for something minor, and especially for something major. Humanity's best achievements are products of cooperation, collaboration, and care.

/end crappy motivational speech

 

That feeling when you come home and there are pops in the fridge.

 

That moment when you just realized how much of a complete dumbass you are.....