This is just some book i've been writing, and personally i think it's quite good... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Soul of Fire Prologue: The cold slithered into the boy’s skin, chains protruding clear out of his back as he cowered, hugging his knees for warmth. The darkness seemed to invite him, offering him much to fear and much to remember… As if on cue, the door, the accursed door which had sealed his fate many times, opened, the light blinding his vision, as the two figures, determined to kill appeared… Chapter 1: Denithan opened his eyes placidly, the cold night air playing softly against his bushy white-black hair. He had once again fallen asleep in the street, tired of looking for an inn, and his grey robes were once again haggard. A deep sighed escaped him, the memories of his childhood clear in his mind, as he shrugged away the tears that had formed, and once again, set off down the street. The silence continued, the cold inviting unwanted memories, as his footsteps, the only sounds in the area, continued to hit. Light’s here and there flickered, and all around the city was dying. Denithan sighed, looking down at the ground, his Cian colored-eyes looking for something living. A few minutes of silence passed, the only sign of life being himself, before he continued, the lifelessness getting to him. A few more minutes of walking, and he’d be out of this city, but the question was, did he want to leave? He knew there were still others here, and that maybe if he helped them he could… As if on cue, a large smashing sound hit near by, causing Denithan to turn and run, finding a teenage boy, around his age, with snow white hair, standing in front of another teenage girl, her hair somewhat silver, as another man, roughly 21 by appearance, flipped through the air, bringing his foot down hard on what appeared to be a large black creature, it’s figure revolving around it’s spike back, and large white claws as it shoved the man off, lunging at the girl and boy again… If only a second off, Denithan’s soul chain colliding with the claw, sparks flying freely as it smashed into the nearby ground, Denithan walking up to the three. “Mind if I interject?†He asked, and then without waiting for an answer, unbound his sword, the massive black blade shining in the pale moonlight, his eyes flashing dangerously at the monster. The creature seemed to understand Denithan’s challenge, pulling its claw back, and leaping a small mile back, both its claws ready as its black eyes studied Denithan for a moment. “Come on, you can’t of lost your grip already?†Denithan joked, a small ounce of insanity in his voice, as he himself leaped, the black great sword flashing a number of colors as he smashed it down onto the creature’s claws, sparks flying up into his face, causing him to leap back so as to avoid the heat. These hands…Denithan’s thoughts came clearly to him, presenting him with more unwanted memories, as he plunged at the creature, his face set into a crazed smile. The hands that killed so many! The creature lunged at its new-found pray, sending Denithan flying backwards, as it readied itself for its next assault. Denithan sighed, jumping up, and resting the sword on his shoulder, as the man from before seemed to start some kind of spell. A few silent moments passed between the three, before the creature practically launched its left claw at Denithan, to whom bought down his great sword, another clashing sounding, as he got pushed back lightly, trying to support the great sword with just his right arm and his shoulder blade. Denithan gasped lightly, as the creature forced his blade into his shoulder, a light drizzle of blood pouring over the creatures claw, and his own weapon, as he slowly reached over to the bottom half of the blade, his right arm twitching as the pain seared through. Sighing in relief, Denithan gripped the blade with new intensity, pushing the creature’s claw back a few centimeters, and switching the angle of his blade, instead bringing up the creature’s claw. For a split second, the creature was stunned; its claw freely swinging into the air, as Denithan smashed his sword into the ground sparks bracing across his legs. And the heat… of that… fire… His thoughts crowded now, as he rushed ahead, the creature bringing it’s claw back down in desperation, the sparks lighten up the small area, as Denithan gradually grew faster, his right leg caught in the heat of the sparks… fire… the word barely came to him, as he leaped, using the sword to scrape across the ground and angle him. Slamming his feet into the ground, the blade came up with all the force it had just absorbed, his left arm swinging it upwards uncontrollably as gravity pushed the blade through the creatures flesh, causing it to shriek out in pain as it’s warm blood spilled completely over Denithan, who stood there, partially stunned, his face void of emotion. The moonlight shined on the spot, as the creature’s essence was dragged away, inside of the man, whose face showed a deep regret at having to use such a skill. A deep and somewhat dark silence hung in the air, as the man stared out at Denithan, and the teenage boy turned to the girl. “Who or what are you…?†the man asked, taking a step back as Denithan turned, completely covered in blood, his eyes showing nothing, but a strange blue haze over a blood red color. The completely exposed soul chain slowly dragged itself back into him, blood spilling out as it ripped itself back inside of Denithan… ------------------------------ That's the first half of chapter 1, though, i won't be writing the second half till after holidays, so if you're interested a couple of weeks or so...
I don't want to say you're a bad writer, because you really aren't. However, it cannot go unsaid that you have quite a few errors in the technical aspect of this piece. That is to say, you don't seem to be using words correctly all the time and you glaze over details that make reading more confusing than it has to be. You say "Cian" once to describe a color, could it be that you mean cyan as in a type of blue or is that a color of a thing in the context of the story? You also mention a soul chain several times without really describing it in enough detail to evoke a consistent mental image. Another thing you do is use words incorrectly, pray in place of prey, say "another clashing sounding", which is just wrong like "the sparks lighten up the small area" and there was a physical continuity problem when you said Denithan swung upwards but gravity forced his sword through the flesh of the monster so that's just self contradictory. So it's a bit grammatically and stylistically rough, but editing and practice should remedy such issues. I don't want to sound harsh or mean or anything, but this may help you in the future. As an afterthought, I do find this story interesting, it's just you need some technical practice in writing to properly convey such an idea.
