2nd chapter of "Secrets of the past". From now on I'll call the hero guy "Nameless" ------------------------------------------ Chapter 2: A blue haired manipulator? “I didn’t need your help Aqua.” “Really?” She said sarcastically “Why do you always do this?!” The girl named aqua obviously knew our mysterious hero. She had the bluest of hair. And her eyes were a sight to look at. The eyes of an innocent. Her name suited her looks. “Ugh, do we have to do this again?” He said while taking a few steps back “I’m leaving the town in a few days.” “Just like you left your family” She replied “…I have nothing left here” And disappeared. Looks like it’s a habit for him to walk away. Aqua looked a little gloomy after what he said. But she doesn’t seem to let these kind of things get to her. She took a few steps while looking at the blue sky. “You done hiding?” She said. A man wearing a hood over his head came out of an alley. Though his hood was the only thing that kept him mysterious, he was wearing normal run of the mill cloth, but kept him mysterious it did. “You should thank me for telling you about this, or else your friend would have been dead by now” he said. “You never told me why you’re helping me.” She replied while still looking at the sky. He chuckled “Just a simple way of burning my past mistakes” She turned around “You know you never told me your name” “My name is of no importance to you, here take this.” The hooded man hands Aqua a necklace. “What’s this?” She asked in a straight tone. “Just a lucky charm, who knows, it might come in handy someday. Till next time we meet” After seeing the man leave, Aqua took a look at the necklace he gave her. There was a strange insignia on it. It looked like a black heart with 2 red spikes crossing each other. She thought to herself “Hmmm, must be a new cult” And put it in her back pocket. Back to our mysterious man, we see him back at the house he was in front of earlier before he heard the scream. He lifted up his arm wanting to knock, but he hesitated He finally knocked. A voice came from the house. “Come in, come in!” Nameless entered the house. While the outside of the house was in order and clean, a person can’t say the same about the inside. Books on the floor, on desks and coffee tables. Books almost falling off dusty bookcases. Files and torn papers on the ground. The curtains of the house were closed. Preserved cardboard boxes. “Ahhh, good to see you again.” This man’s long hair reached his upper torso. It was a mix between blond and grayish. He was wearing scientist clothe. Holding a book in his hand. The book is probably not a surprise after seeing a house like his. “Good to see you to Even” Said nameless. He then asked “Did you see what happened earlier….” “Fascinating, have you ever seen an examination of the heart” He interrupted “ Hearts are an amazing thing. People fail to see what they truly hold. A heart has two sides, light and dark. Even the purest of hearts might have darkness in them. If a person is overwhelmed by darkness, then he might become a creature called “Heartless” “ “What does this have to do with me?!” Yelled Nameless. Even Laughed and said “The creature you *fought* earlier was a heartless. A being of darkness itself. And it seizes hearts from living things. Creating, multiplying its ranks. But if the heart is pure, if a heartless can grow to have the slightest feelings, then there might be a chance that he might go back to his human form” Even was obviously obsessed with these heartless. “And….?” “ Don’t you think it’s about time you talk to me about that day?” He asked. Even was not one to always stay on topic. Nameless looked at the ground and had a little grin come to his face. “Yeah…Ever wonder why I live alone? Why I have no family? It’s because they were murdered. Murdered by a ruthless creature. And…I just let them die…I could have save them but I was in the other room…Leaving them to die. God…I can still hear the screams in my head. In my nightmares.Even in my dreams.Heh,if I can even call them that anymore.” Even leaned to the table, put down his book and told nameless. “That....old friend is where you’re wrong. The screams you heard, the room you were in, was the dream" -------------------------- Enough for now. A bit slow this time, but I'm heading somewhere with this. Again comment truthfully. If it wasn't good then tell me. I wouldn't want to continue something that aint good. Cuz then I would be just wasting my time on something useless.
Interesting....I really like it!!!! And I'm being honest!!!! I can't wait til the the next chapter!! *sits and waits*
Once again, very good story! What I suggest though is that you read it over on your own. There are some parts that are slow and some that go too fast. What I do is I type it up on Word, spell check it on there, and then copy and past it. It's a lot easier than having to check every mistake. And slow down a bit when you're describing things and putting it details. I feel like I'm in a race car. But otherwise, very cool. I want to hear more about this guy.
Yo. I'm back! xD Wow. That was hundred fold better than last time. I can tell you really took people's crits. to heart. :nod: Your discriptions are worlds better and I can tell you have a unique style of writing that seeps through. Last time it seems just ignorance in the way you write, but I can see it now. I really like Aqua. She reminds me of the blue knight in thr Secret video. Very calm and innocent, but don't mess with her sort of attitude. I hope we get to see more. And your ending was lovely too. Very cliff-hanger-ish. (Though I think I will regret saying this later-) Cliff hangers are a wonderful way to drag readers in. Even if you feel it wasn't your best writing, a Cliffy is a way to keep them coming back. Just look at Pokeman's "To be continued" every episode. (pause) ok, that's a bad example. But don't get a big head... xD As we all do, there is a long road in front of you. (pause) Man, I got to stop eating fortune cookies before I go to bed. :p There were a few things here and there that were a bit grating. Little squeaks in your trumpet Solo so to speak. :giggles at her own joke: I'll just point out the main one. "Back to our mysterious man, we see him back at the house" Hmm, this is what I was saying about that unqiue style. It is as if you are really speaking, telling this story. But this line for some reason grates on my mind's ear. It's awkward. Try rewording it. Man I just wrote my own Novel here. Got to stop doing that.xp Heh, I'll be back next time. I really love your sense of wanting people to be honest. Well, You've improved you skills young Grasshopper, but do not stop! Continue on the Road to Discovery! (sigh) Gosh Dangit- There goes those fortune Cookies again!
Yea you keep sitting there :P, might be a while. And thanks! I also type them on Word. The thing is I didn't have that much time to double check,and I was in a hurry in the first place. About the story, alot more will be told about "Nameless" in the next chapter. Though not his name. I have a huge reason for that. Thanks for the comment. I could always use advice. Woa,100 times better?! Man,how sucky was chapter 1 then?xD Why I want you guys to be truthful is because like I said before,I don't want to waste my time on something useless. If I suck at this,then I suck at this. And I would be making a fool of myself if I continued something bad. "Back to our mysterious man, we see him back at the house" I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought that was an akward phrase. :D Thanks for commenting!
I still think you do a great job and have an amazing story to work with. But I agree with TheOtherKeyblade, getting a big head is one of the hardest things that a writer can't do. Just slow down a bit and re-read your story when you get done. I find a ton of mistakes in my stories after I re-read them. I try to read my stories through my audience's eyes. That's how I percept them. Just be sure to give yourself some credit along with criticism. Without the positive stuff, you might end up taking out your annoyance on your story. But keep it up! I want to read more!
