((Hi there, I just felt like doing something crazy, since I'm not at home and can't work on Keyblade Wars for the moment, I did this. Hope you all enjoy! Dedicated to 2Foxxie4U and Gharanth, as well as the cast and crew of Org. XIII: It's a Beautiful Day. With apologies to Stephen Katz, The Cohen Brothers, and Monty Python.)) **************************************************************** Scene Stealers (an Organization XIII Eats Waffles story). “Why him, you monster?!” yelled Vexen. “Why not the…the scriptgirl?!” The rest of the Organization watched the stage intently as Vexen was pacing about. Saix was standing stoically on a raised platform near the back, his arms folded across his chest like a dead man. “The scriptgirl?” Saix chuckled in a vaguely Romanian accent, “I’ll eat her later.” Vexen stared incredulously for a moment before continuing, “Because of you, I now have to go to Berlin and get another photographer. You must control yourself while I am away.” Vexen turned to leave when Saix said “I don’t think we need the writer any longer.” Vexen looked back. “What?” “The writer,” Saix said before shaking his head. Vexen stared for another moment before saying “As much as it pains me to admit, the writer is necessary. ALL my crew is necessary!” “I don’t think the ship is necessary,” said Saix. “The ship?” Vexen said, growing more exasperated, “But there are more than a dozen scenes on the ship!” “But, I don’t sail,” said Saix silkily. “THEN I WILL REPLACE YOU WITH THE DOUBLE!” Vexen screamed. “I will shoot all your scenes with the double! You will have NO scenes in this film! None! Zero! Go ahead, eat the writer. Then maybe you can explain another way your character gets to Bremen!” A silence set in as Vexen calmed down. Sighing, he continued. “I can shoot the scenes at sea around you, but you’ll still need to sail to shoot the climax at Heilgoland.” “Or else what?” Saix said softly. “Or else what?” said Vexen, “Or else no Greta. All her scenes are there.” Saix moved for the first time, and he contorted as if the news brought him pain. “I will go to Heilgoland,” Saix hissed, “But I won’t sail.” “Heilgoland is an island,” said Vexen coolly, “It can only be reached be sea.” “Or by air,” Saix said thoughtfully. Vexen closed his eyes and lightly pinched the bridge of his nose. “And if I find a way to fly you in,” he said, “will you leave my crew alone?” “Or else what?” Saix repeated. “Don’t think I can’t hurt you,” said Vexen. “Tell me how you could harm me,” said Saix, “when even I am not certain how I could harm myself.” Another pause, then both of them turned to the rest of the Organization in the audience. “And scene,” said Saix in his normal voice. The room burst with mild applause. Xemnas stood up in the front row. “Shadow of the Vampire,” Xemnas said, “is an obscure choice, but effective. You both played the scene marvelously. I particularly liked Saix’s accent. You two might want to review your scripts, though, because I think you might have forgotten a line or two. You may sit down.” Saix and Vexen bowed and then left the stage. Xemnas continued, “Two pairs left. Who wants to go next?” Axel and Marluxia looked at each other, shrugged, then raised their hands. Xemnas nodded and they made their way to the stage. “Remember,” said Xemnas, “Wow me.” Marluxia brought a table to the middle of the stage and ducked under it. Axel picked up a cage with a little stuffed bird inside and walked up to the counter. “Hello,” said Axel in a British accent, “I wish to make a complaint. Hello, miss?” Marluxia popped up from behind the counter. “What do you mean, ‘miss’?!” he demanded in a similar accent. Axel considered a moment before saying “I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!” “We're closin' for lunch,” Marluxia said quickly. “Never mind that, my lad,” said Axel, putting the cage on the table. “I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.” “Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue,” Marluxia said nervously. “What's, uh...What's wrong with it?” “I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad,” said Axel dryly. “It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!” The Organization members in the audience began to snicker as Marluxia said “No, no, he's uh...he's resting.” “Look, matey,” said Axel in an annoyed tone, “I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.” “No, no he's not dead, he's…he's restin'!” stuttered Marluxia. “Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it, ay? Beautiful plumage!” “The plumage don't enter into it,” said Axel, “It's stone dead.” “Nononono, no, no! He's resting!” insisted Marluxia. “All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!” said Axel as he bent down to the cage. “'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot!” Axel bellowed at the stuffed bird, “I've got a lovely fresh cuttlefish for you if you show...” Marluxia nudged the cage. “There, he moved!” he said. “No, he didn't,” Axel exclaimed over roars of laughter from the audience, “that was you hitting the cage!” “I never!” Marluxia cried. “Yes, you did!” insisted Axel. “I never did anything!” Marluxia said again. Axel went back to the cage. “'ELLO POLLY!!!!!” bellowed Axel as he took the bird out of the cage and started banging it on the table, “Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!” He threw the plushie bird into the air and watched it plummet sadly to the floor. “Now that’s what I call a dead parrot,” Axel said matter-of-factly. Marluxia waited for the laughter to subside a bit before going “No, no.....No, he's stunned!” “Stunned?!” said Axel in disbelief. “Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!” said Marluxia. “Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.” Axel shook his head. “Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this,” he said, “That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.” “Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords,” offered Marluxia. “PININ' for the FJORDS?! What kind of talk is that?!” Axel hollered. “Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?” “The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, isn’t it, squire? Lovely plumage!” “Look,” said Axel, “I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.” There was a bit of a pause as the aisles were rolling with laughter before Marluxia finally said “Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!” and with the last section mimed with his hands a bird fluttering away. “’Voom’?” Axel said, putting both hands on the table and looking into Marluxia’s eyes, “Mate, this bird wouldn't ‘voom’ if you put four million volts through it! He's bleedin' demised!” “No no, he’s pinin’!” Marluxia repeated weakly. “’He’s not pinin’!” Axel yelled at the height of exasperation while shaking the bird in Marluxia’s face, “He’s passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed ‘im to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!” Axel was giving Marluxia the stare of death, the laughter in the auditorium was deafening, and finally Marluxia said “Well, I’d better replace it then.” Axel turned to the audience and said “If you want something done in this country, you have to talk until you’re blue in the face.” And with that, Marluxia and Axel gave a little bow as a thunderous applause broke out. Foremost was Xemnas. “Excellent, excellent!” said Xemnas, “That was marvelous! Absolutely flawless! I didn’t want it to end, which is more than I can say for some acts…” He glanced over to Roxas and Xaldin, whose rendition of the “Royale with Cheese” conversation from Pulp Fiction had been less than thrilling. As they took their seats again, Xemnas said “Well, last scene. You two are up.” Zexion looked over at Larxene, who nodded and headed backstage. Zexion cracked his knuckles and slowly trod towards the stage. Once there, he looked over the audience with a small smile. He cracked his knuckles, did a few stretches, and then held out his hand. Darkness issued forth, covering the entire auditorium. A strange sound reverberated through the room as a gigantic bowling pin (or rather, Zexion’s illusion of one) slowly hovered across the stage as a series of words appeared overhead. “Jackie Treehorn presents,” the words read, “The Dude, Maude Lebowski, in…” The bowling pin stood upright and was flanked by a pair of bowling balls, creating a rather suggestive image as the word “Gutterballs” flashed. Suddenly, the room was flooded with the sound of Kenny Rogers singing “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition my Condition was In)” and the pin disappeared along with the balls. At that moment, Zexion came slowly dancing in to the music, wearing a sleeveless cable repairman outfit and looking unusually cheerful. He walked up to what looked like the shoe rental station from a Bowling alley, where a sour-looking mustached man in a beret with the nametag “Saddam” handed him a pair of bowling sneakers. Instantly, they were on Zexion’s feet and he began dancing down a lighted staircase just as a chorus of girls with ridiculous bowling pin headdresses began dancing around Larxene, who had appeared wearing an operatic Viking outfit. Zexion, holding a bowling ball high over his head like a relic, walked over to Larxene. He caressed her arm lightly in a loving manner before taking her hand and inserting her fingers into the holes on the bowling ball. As the chorus girls danced down the bowling lane and opened their legs for the ball’s passage, Zexion held Larxene close and helped her to launch the ball down the lane. Except when the ball hit the lane, it was no longer a ball. It was Zexion floating headfirst about five inches above the lane. As he passed under the chorus girls’ legs, he slowly turned on his back to see up their skirts, his vacant grin growing wider, before turning back on his stomach and hitting the pins at the end of the lane. As they disappeared, the song ended and the auditorium was once again pitch black. Then the lights came on to reveal Zexion and Larxene, back in their cloaks, bowing. The applause was deafening, except from Axel and Marluxia who yelled “Hey! He used his powers! No fair!” Nobody else seemed to notice. Zexion and Larxene sat back down and Xemnas took the stage. “Well,” said Xemnas, “This has certainly been a fun day and a fun competition. But now it’s time for the results.” The Organization held its breath. “In third place,” Xemnas said, “is Luxord and Demyx for their performance of the ‘Independent Contractors on the Death star’ scene from Clerks!” Luxord and Demyx looked pleased with themselves. Demyx stood up and did a “Randal Walk.” “In second place,” Xemnas said, “is Axel and Marluxia for ‘The Dead Parrot Sketch’ from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” “What? Second?!” Marluxia said incredulously. “And first place,” Xemnas said, “is, of course, Zexion and Larxene for the ‘Gutterballs’ sequence from The Big Lebowski!” Again, a roar of applause drowning out the protests of Marluxia. “He used his power over illusion! He shouldn’t have been able to do that!” “Third place prize is,” Xemnas said, ”uhh…this bag of peanuts.” He tossed it to Luxord and Demyx, who looked at it oddly. “Second place prize is this set of Ginsu knives.” He tossed that package to Axel and Marluxia. “How ‘Glengarry Glenn Ross’ of you,” said Axel. Marluxia only scowled. “And finally,” started Xemnas. “Yes yes,” said Larxene, “We all know first prize is a new car. That’s why we bothered going through this. Gimmie!” “Ahh, yes,” said Xemnas, “Here it is!” And with that, Xemnas waved his hand and a car appeared on the stage. A rather…odd-looking car. Zexion and Larxene stared. “What…?” “Beautiful, no?” Xemnas said, “This is the EV1, a prototype electric car, and the preferred mode of transportation for the universe. At least it would have been, if those greedy oil companies hadn’t paid off the car people to take these babies off the market. Thousands were needlessly destroyed, but I was able to save this one, and now it’s yours! Enjoy!” Larxene stared. “Well, at least I’ll never be far away from an electric charge…” she said, not looking at all hopeful. “You see,” said Zexion, “this is exactly why I never participate in these stupid games.” The End
This made my day. XDDDDDD Sorry, but Axel and Marluxia's sketch had me laughing myself into tears. XD Demyx and Luxord got a bag of peanuts - lolz.... XDDDDDD *huggles* Thanks for showing me this, man. ^-^ T'was beautiful. =3 P.S., Zexxy cheated! D'=
You should watch some old Monty Python stuff. If you like Dead parrot, you'll love their other stuff.
OMFG... I just got grounded for laughing hysterically at 1:40 in the morning... The Monty Python part made me laugh so frikin' hard. Sux I'm grounded, but I'm still glad I read this. xDD Atleast its only for this week.
Oooh...*sharp intake of breath* Sorry about that man...or woman...whatever you are (can't tell from the SN). Glad you liked it at least.
Lol, I are un manly man. Don't worry about it, it happens once every other week. They ground me from going outside, or from the pc. I honestly don't mind that much. This week it was the pc.. Notice I'm still on it. Oo
