♥ I'm obsessed with symbols, and colors and graphics, and I can't stop. Trying to stop, I start like freaking out, SO. BAD. It's worst than it should be. I don't exactly know what to do about it. I don't try to be obsessive about things, but I can't help it. ♥ I hate everybody and everything. Ironic that there's a heart there, but I really do. By default, I hate people. My outlook on the world is so bleak. Here's a very short description of how I see things to be, "You're born, you suffer, you go to school, you work, you die." If I went into full detail...It's honestly extremely depressing how I see life. I think it's pointless, I wish I hadn't been born, and I hate everything. B| ♥ I used to be a Christian, then I went to Agnostic, then I went full-blown Atheist. I don't know what's going on here. But it's like, most of the Christians I know are horrible people. It's like. "Oh, hey, I'm Christian/Catholic, but I'm an judgmental *******." or "I'm Christian/Catholic and I don't give a damn about anyone but myself." Not everyone is like that, of course. There's also the fact that when I ask questions, they're never answered straight. It's all just "faith" based answers, or just "You're a sinner for being curious about things." I think the church is corrupted and I can't trust anyone. ♥ I've spoken to someone about this before, but bluntly, there's this friend who I'm trying to be friends with who never makes like...any effort to maintain contact. Simply put, if I didn't talk to this friend, then we wouldn't talk. It's annoying. Like, should I tryyyy? Are they worth it? ♥ I isolate myself when I'm in a relationship. Not on purpose, but I stop talking to people as often and I give my attention mainly to this person. In return, it makes me feel lonely, almost. I mean, this person is great. Above great, wonderful actually, but it's like...I have no time to talk to other people, because naturally I'd rather talk to him. Doesn't seem healthy to me, even though it's not like he hurts me or anything. Just, is this normal? ♥ I have another friend...He and I used to be very close, and now we don't talk. And to be honest, I think he's gross. :| It's like, suddenly, I have this very strong dislike towards him. I'm polite and everything when it comes interaction, but he's still trying to be friends. It's...annoying, to say the least. He made a new Facebook account under a different name and everything just so that I'd add him and he could stalk my page again. Wtf. Edit: Actually, it's not just for no reason. It's because he...became very bitter, and very negative, and started to constantly hurt me. Being around him started to drain me so bad, but I'd always forgive him. He was very, very, very controlling. I got to the point of not forgiving him anymore, then he got very clingy when he say I was slipping away. ♥ COLLEGE IS STRESSING ME OUT SO BAD. SO BAD. I'M FREAKING OUT AND MISSING DEADLINES. And I haven't taken the SAT. I feel behind, and my GPA is lower than it should be, and I'm not sure what to do. ♥ My stepmom and dad divorced. She was the one to tell me, my dad's been hiding it from me. Should I be mad at him? Okay, that's it. Anything will help. ANYTHING. I just wanted some extra thoughts on some of these things. I feel overwhelmed and breakdowns are constant.
On the symbols thing... well I dunno really. I guess just try to stop, I know I occasionally try to stop using so many smiley faces but it's not like it's a self-destructive habit or anything? Not really a big problem, it seems, as compared to the other ones. I've been there, still kind of am. The truth is that people and life sometimes really suck. But you can't let that get to you, you know? What works best for me is just to smile, and keep smiling. **** happens, things go down, it's okay to be sad and mad or whatever, as long as you don't get stuck in it. There are good people out there who are extremely special and exciting and wonderful, you've just got to sift through a heck of a lot of bullshit to find them, but they're there, I promise. <3 As for changing in terms of your faith, that happens to a lot of people. I can completely understand where you're coming from--you don't have anything against Christian or Catholic beliefs, but some of the people just makes you hate the entire organization, right? Well that can be said for any religion, if you ask me. There are extreme Muslims, Jews, Christians, Catholics, and yes, even Atheists. But you don't have to pay attention to those people, do you? Just believe and follow what you think is right, everyone else be damned (do you get my religion joke?). It's possible that you and this person are just growing apart. It happens to everyone, and it's not really fun. If you think there's something special between the two of you, then by all means try to keep things going, but if it's that you don't really have anything in common with them anymore, then why bother? You might spend your time better finding and getting to know someone who actually wants to hang out with you. I dunno really how to help with that, sorry. I guess just designate certain nights that you will focus on friends other than this guy. You can't just drop all your friends for one person, because when/if you want those friends back, it may be too late. It's fine that you want to spend time with him, it's normal, I'm sure your friends get that. But just try not to ignore them, I guess. It might just be easiest to tell him that you don't want to talk to him anymore, I know that that sounds really *****y but if he's creepin' on you on Facebook then I can't imagine he's too great of a person. Just take it one assignment at a time. Find a place where you won't be distracted, sit down with a clear work goal, and just bang it out. If your grades falter a bit that's okay, so long as you can get them back up where they should be. I don't think anyone could be to blame or deserve your anger unless they did something terrible. If your dad and your stepmom weren't happy together, then divorce is the right option for them. I dunno if this helps, I'm not really sure what I said. Just know that I'm here if you ever need to talk, sometimes that's all you need, just to talk and vent. Hope something I said helped just a little bit. <3
KAY I FINISHED. This happened to me when I was younger, except it was with counting everything I did (like when I walked up stairs, I had to count the number of stairs each time). What helped me was focusing on something else that utilizes the obsession (which was Math). Maybe you could try dabbling in art; it will let you just throw all the thoughts of symbols/colors/graphics out of your head. And who knows, you may even decide to continue with Art. :3 I'm not gonna lie: the world's pretty ****ty. But despite the overwhelming majority of negative things, you have to look for the positives out there. If you were never born, would you have met the friends you did? Done things you're proud of? Ha, TWEWY reference, but it's fitting: "You gotta expand your horizons as far as they'll go." So long as you only think about the negative, that's all you'll really see. No matter what anyone says, faith comes down to you, and nobody else. Even though people are defining what is sin and not, it's just their own (or the lazy fat men from centuries ago.) You believe what you want. You see your god the way you want to. It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks; faith is a matter of individual belief. If you question if you should make any further effort or not, it's best that you shouldn't. Friendship isn't something you should have questions about, you just know. All I have to say is that your friends care about you too. Even though this person may be wonderfully amazing super special awesome, you should still dedicate some time to your friends, so you don't feel lonely. I agree with Misty. Stalking = nono. :/ Make a work schedule for yourself. Dedicate some time strictly for homework, and give yourself breaks in between. That way, you get to have fun and don't overload youself too much. You should just ask him why he didn't tell you. If anything, he was just trying to spare hurting you. I'm not sure if I really helped with that, I kinda forgot everything I was originally going to say. D: But if you need someone to talk to, you can PM/MSN attack me whenever. I don't know you much at all, but I hope you feel better. c:
That's nothing to worry about, this doesn't seem like a huge deal but if it is to you maybe you can try therapy. In a way this is how life is. But it doesn't have to be that way, life can be a good thing if you really want it to be. I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times, but it's true: Life is what you make of it. You can be born, suffer, go to school, go to work, and die if you like. I want to make the best out of life, be the best person I can be, get married, have kids, love them, prolong life as much as I can, and then die. That's the way I choose to look at it. And it really is your choice. Not everyone is like that, and although many are, it's no reason to stop believing in something. I want to be a computer programmer. Many programmers are self-righteous smartasses. Does that mean I don't want to be one? No, it means I want to be one that isn't like that. People are just that way, it's not like the church turned them into that or something. This is because most people just don't know what they even believe in. It's sad, but most Catholic church and some Christian churches like to keep people ignorant of what they believe in so they have to rely on them. It's sad, but the church, for the most part, is corrupted. But that doesn't mean it's base, the belief, is corrupted as well. There IS a logic to Christian belief but chances are if you ask someone of the faith they just won't know. Luckily I go to a church that's really open about those things. If you'd like, feel free to ask me anything. I'm a Christian. Some people are just really busy and although it's hard you should try to understand that. I have a friend like that but he's a social butterfly and has tons of friends, and I don't even go to his school, so I understand that it's hard for him to hang out with me a lot. But when we do, we're like best friends. Maybe you should just give it a chance. Its normal, especially if you haven't been in many relationships. If you really like someone of course you want to talk to him. Ha, I have someone exactly like that except without the facebook thing :0 Yeah, just leave him alone. De-friend him, stop calling him, etc., he'll get it. That's what I did. Hey, we've all been there. I'm kind of there right now. It's nothing to worry about. Just calm down, try to sort some things out. If you really want your GPA up and stuff, it's going to take sacrifices. Otherwise you're just going to have to deal with it. Honestly most employers don't care about your GPA after your first job. No. Put yourself in his place. Imagine having to tell your child that you got divorced AGAIN. It'd be hard. He probably didn't mean to hurt you, it may have just been something hard for him to tell you. Maybe he was even trying to work things out, and telling you would make it completely over for him. I hope I could help. Remember we all have problems, it's nothing to feel alienated about. Everything will be okay.
I can kind of understand what you are going through. Believe me, life is not always something that's fun, there will be trials that we must endure that will push us to the brink. With the symbols thing, I guess that's just how your mind works. Mine works in a different fashion than many others, but I try to utilize it in everything that I do. Try finding something like art, design, or something creative as an outlet. You say you lost your faith? That does tend to happen people and I know that it's not my place to judge you for it. I'm someone who beleives you can have whatever belief you want as long as it makes you happy. Screw whatever the hell other peole think about your belief and just enjoy your life; that's my attitude towards it anyway. A lot of people may not understand, but you don't need to impress these people, it's all about what makes you happy and what makes sense to you. I've been isolated almost my entire life, mainly because I've been afraid of people. When you create any kind of relationship, you become vulmerable to that person. If they hurt you, then you will feel that sting and disgust. It is a little unhealthy to just be talking to that one person, but as long as it's nto a forced thing, it should be okay. I'm sorry, I'm not really good whenit comes to thinks like dating. But I will say this: As the world changes, so do people; and, like life, it may not change for the better. Just hope that you can come out of it with your head on your sholders and that it has come to a reasonable conclusion. You're not the only one stessing out about college. It is something that is tough, mainly because your finding out who you really are: what kind of a person are you, what are your strenghts and weaknesses, or even is college good for me? You are not the only teenager stressing out about this. It'll get better once you get into the swing of things, I promise. The divorce is a hard one. Having a split up is never easy, but you shouldn't be mad at your dad. I think he was trying to protect you, probably becuase you're an innocent party. However, there are not innoncent people in things like this; there is always someone how gets hurts the most, and that's usually the children. I hope that you can find a place where you can forgive him if you are mad. In Conclusion (and I'll try not to sound too preachy), why don't you just give yourself a little bit of a break Jayn. I can tell that you are a strong person but the world is seemingly crumbling at your sholders. Just rememeber this: You're a human being, and a young one at that. Yes, the world will always be unfair to us, but you can learn from all of the struggles that you come across. Cut yourself a little slack, make a few mistakes, ask someone for help. I'll always be happy to help anybody. Enjoy your life while you can. This is your life.
It seems you are going through some kind of a "phase", which has brought you into a state of slight depression. This is not a bad thing, we all go through phases in life, we all have our moments were we feel like giving up on life as a whole. I assume this state is because of your parents divorcing, and it is completely understandable of how you are feeling. It has caused your outlook on life to become different, and you tend to treat people differently than the way you treated them before. This is all how you are handling the divorce. With your opinion on Christians, I don't agree, and as you said, not everyone is like that. I'm a proud Christian, but I do admit that sometimes they can be outspoken about their beliefs and, in actuality it does get annoying. I have learned to not be outspoken about these beliefs, and a minor rule religious people should exercise is to keep it to yourself, and without a doubt, have a strong belief in what you think is right. But, not everyone is the same. The best thing to do is to ignore it when people seem a bit too arrogant because of their religious views and they think those specific views are correct. With the use of smileys, etc. I honestly think it is better for you to use them, than to try and avoid using them. It is your choice, and for people to take them away from you only brings much more stress on your shoulders. A good thing to do, perhaps, would be to tone them down a little bit if you think they get annoying to the person you are conversing with. But the choice is entirely up to you, and you must be free to your own decisions. In terms of your friendships, stay quiet, and keep a low-profile. DO NOT completely isolate yourself, though. It will make you a target, people will classify you as an outcast. Maintain the relationships you are in, and if you trust your friends enough, discuss your home-issues with them. And also, discuss these issues with any close family, possibly other than your parents, and get their opinions and views. Maintain a social status, but do not delve into an "outcast" classification.(I am not in any way implying that is the reputation you have now.) Make sure you discuss these issues with people you trust, and express your emotions to anyone who is willing to listen. Life does not always go as expected, but you are strong in a sense that you will get through this situation, you just need time for yourself to breathe, and think. I hope this will help, at least a little.
Okay about the symbols thing, it sounds to me like you have and un-diagnosed form of OCD if you don't know what OCD means, it means Obssesive Compulsive Disorder, I no that because I have OCD so I no what it feels like to obssese about the uncontrolably.^^ and about your ex clingy freind...if he's doing that **** to you report him to both the staff of kh-v AND facebook to get him off your back and leave you the hell alone.^^ that's pretty much all the help I can think of giving you.^^
Problem: You like symbols, and get stressed if you stop. Query: Is it harmful? Solution: If not harmful, do not stop. Merely recognise when it is appropriate. The problem here isn't something external; it's internal. This is a problem with your perspective, and it's the only thing that needs to be changed. Whether you do that by some epiphany, or by medication, it's up to you. You see the ocean as grey, and that's the problem. You can't make the ocean blue by dyeing it. The problem is not with the religion. There are nice religious people too. The problem is either with the people you associate with, the topics you bring up, or yourself. They may all be nasty people, but you liked them in the past, so that's unlikely. It's more believable that they are uncertain about how to treat you, now that you've changed your beliefs and feel that you're questioning their faith. It's also possible that it's just your perspective blowing everything out of proportion. Chances are, you're asking the wrong people. They probably don't know the answers you want, so they provide with what they can. Never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance. Not enough information. Perhaps they don't want to come on too strongly, and under-do it. Maybe they just don't like you any more, like what's happened with your other friend. The only thing you can do is actually ask them what's going on, or at least provide more information to us. You know your friend better than us, and your friend knows themself better than you know them. Relationships are more volatile than normal friendships. This makes them more exciting, and preferable to the usual, but they're also more likely to collapse. To put it another way, a relationship is high-risk, high-reward, a friendship is a slow and steady stream of income. You need to balance them. It's okay to put a few bets on a miracle, but you also need to have certainty to fall back upon. This friend sounds like how you've described yourself. Perhaps this is the mind-set of the other friend, who seems to be refusing contact? Anyway, you owe this guy an explanation. You've been friends before, and it sounds like you haven't fully parted. He still thinks the friendship is salvageable, while you don't. You need to actually tell him that whatever was between you two is completely gone, and you don't even feel a shred of attraction, as a friend or otherwise, towards him. Spend less time worrying, and work harder. Or acknowledge that college isn't the be-all and end-all of life. Or possibly consider that you're overreacting, and you're actually doing fine. You've got time to be on here. That means that you're where you are, because that's how much you want it. In other words, you're where you are now because that's what you're choosing. Instead of study, you're choosing to be on here, for example. You don't want to succeed as much as you think you do. Or possibly, you don't want it enough. You could improve, but you'd have to sacrifice other aspects of your life. The sooner you realise that you're choosing not to sacrifice those aspects, and that you're choosing how much time and effort you put towards college, the sooner the stress will leave. (Or the sooner you'll decide to sacrifice them. Your choice.) Are you mad at him? Why are you asking us about your emotions? Anyway, because you've got a negative outlook, I'll present a few other possibilities, which paint your father in a more positive light. -He didn't want to worry you and/or distract you from exams. -He felt what happened was shameful, and hid it from you because he respects your opinion of him. -He never found the right moment to tell you what was going on, but intended to. -He was hoping to patch things over before you noticed. -He wanted to get back on his feet before telling you, because a father should not be seen as weak by his daughter. Be fair towards him. Hear his side of the story before drawing conclusions.
First of all, thank you to everyone who's posted in this thread thus far. I've read every post and all the advice was helpful. @Misty: You seem to understand exactly where I'm coming from. I really appreciate it. <3 @Plums: I'm a pretty artsy person, but I've never really branched out and done things outside of what I'm immediately good at. I think graphic design would help me get all of this OCD focused on something productive, so maybe I'll look into that. Thank you. :3 Also, on religion, I wish I could think of it that way. It's just discouraging to hear that even going about it in that way will eventually damn me to hell. See, my dad is an EXTREMELY (scarily, cult-leader-like) religious person, so that's where all of this insecurity about it probably comes from. But I'll try to get over it. ; ; You also helped a lot, so thank you! I'll probably take you up on that PM/MSN offer. c: @Killjoy: I know that not all Christians are the same, and when I hear someone is a Christian I don't automatically scowl at them or anything. It's just the people I'm surrounded by, I suppose. So it really helps that you're open to conversation about it. I'll probably utilize that offer, so don't be surprised if I message you. I agree with your other points and will keep them in mind, thank you. @Tummer: I guess the biggest thing I'm going to have to get over is the "if you don't do it this way, you burn." It's the fear I have, otherwise I think I would be fine believing in what I believe in. Truthfully, I do believe in the afterlife and some form of God, but I don't believe so much in everything that's in the bible, or a lot of things inbetween. I think it's unhealthy to isolate myself too. It's just...natural? It feels strange being like, "Let's have a few hours away from each other so I can talk to other people, even though I'd rather be talking to you." xD Not that I've gone and ditched anyone. People still talk to me, but I give most of my attention to him. I understand where you're coming from, thank you for addressing this. College has always been a bleh topic for me. I'm not even sure what I want to do or go into, and I don't want to waste money trying to figure it out. But I also don't want to take time off to think about it, and then never go back. >< Thank you tons, Tummer. You're very intuitive, and very sweet. I appreciate this a lot. @Trixer: I know not all Christians are like that, as I clarified in this post sooner I think it's just the people I'm around. We don't have very...open-minded organizations around here so it's hard to connect with people who are really trying to help and not just trying to convert. I don't believe I am an..."outcast", yet. But I've never really fit into anything at school. I've kind of given up on that, but I see what you're saying. I think it's better for me to appear friendly then unapproachable. You helped a lot. <3 Thank you. @Roxas: I agree. I even call it "OCD" at times. I don't feel like getting any meds or anything on it so it's something I'm going to just have to try to overcome. As with the friend...Thank you. xD I'll only report him if it gets TOO creepy though. :3 Thanks for you help. @P: I'd rather the depression be cured by an epiphany. I've never really...liked the people I've been around. I stopped calling myself a Christian when I realized that I have far too many questions and am far to insecure about what I truly believe to be considered one, truly. I realized that the majority of people I'm surrounded by will call themselves Christians or Catholics, and then know nothing about what they truly believe. I don't understand how you can be a Christian, and then not understand anything. I can't pretend to believe in something I don't even understand, so that's when I stopped. I'm sorry for the lack of information regarding my "friend", but the reason behind that was they are an active member here and would probably check this thread out of curiosity and I don't want them to know I'm referring to them until I feel confident enough approaching them myself. I was only curious to know if I should even both approaching them or if I should just back off. It's not as though our conversations are hostile or anything, and it's also not as though they're not available often enough for conversation. They just don't start conversation, ever. I think it would be fine if I simply vanished but because I don't know if it's intentional, I would feel as though that might be cruel or something? I've been a bit weary about contacting them about the subject because enough has gone wrong between us and I don't want to start any drama or be a bother if they're finally happy. I understand why you would see things that way between the other friend and I. I should have maybe included more information. He and I used to be extremely close, right? Then one day, he just stopped contacting me. Completely. Three months later, he comes back and says he felt too ashamed to contact me because I have things going for my life and he "doesn't". That didn't make sense to me, why he would just leave like that but I essentially said everything was okay and assured him that he shouldn't feel that way. <Insert long inspirational speech here.> Then things were fine for maybe two months, before he vanishes again. This "trend" happened off and on for about a year and each time I forgave him. He would always leave when something went wrong in my life. The last time he left was when my grandmother was hospitalized. Eventually I decided I really didn't need that. He would stick around when I'd help him with school work, help him with his resume, I helped him get a job. I helped him graduate high school. But if I needed him, even for a second, he would just disappear. I was pretty much his mother for eight years and only this year did I start to slip away from him. I did let him know why, and I've told him several times over these years what was going on and asked him for explanations and never received them. Well, I did take the time to get on here to make this thread. However, I'm not on nearly as much as I could be regarding free-time. I do set aside time to finish my work, and I study for hours each day. I've gotten a lot of complaints about not talking much to people, I've gotten rid of my cell phone plan (used to be a huuuuge texter c:) and I only really check my subscribed threads on here and reply if I have to, and every once and a while go through to reply to threads I find interesting and reply to the Vms that have stacked up. I'm taking two SAT courses and three college classes and am working my ass off. The lowest grade I have is a B. The problem is that I have a history of moving. I've moved every year from 5th grade to half of sophmore year. I'm a Senior. I was in massive depression for the first two years of high school, which made my grades the least of my priorities. Two years of good grades don't average out the way I would hope they would, when I finally started taking school seriously and got out of that slump. But I understand your point. Regarding my dad, I don't know. Otherwise I wouldn't have said anything. I don't know how I should feel. I'm confused. I know you guys can't tell me how to feel, but I was hoping for some insight from those outside of the picture who could maybe shed light on how he may be feeling. Now that I see that the majority of you think that he was trying to protect me, I can better relate to his side of it and I don't think I'm feeling so bitter about it anymore. He and I don't have a good relationship, so it's hard sometimes to see the good in his actions after all of the wrongs. Thank you again for your help and posts, everyone.
Glad I can help, I look forward to it :) Oh, and this is slightly off topic, but if ANYONE here has any questions about Christianity that goes for you too, feel free to message me.
On the subject of the OCD color thing; I have OCD as well (which you very well know). Except mine is different from yours. Mine is, in short, one where I can't have anyone touch my things or I flip out. But this is not about me, it's about you. OCD is not fun (usually). In fact it's a downright pain in the a$$. But it's one of those things you just have to live with. But stuff like this just makes us more unique. *insert more inspirational speech here*
