Hey guys! This is a short story I wrote a while ago. I originally planned it for a class project, but I felt it was a bit too "philosophical" , and I decided to write something that people could actually relate to. (I placed in the Top 5 Stories of my class anyways.) Anyways, this story isn't really...outstanding. It's basic, it has a simple plot. A simple setting the reader can visualize in any way he/she wants to. All you have to do is focus on the questions brought up in the story, you will either say "I already know the answer/Asked these questions" or "Hmmm. Interesting." This story has somewhat of an "atmospheric" concept. So sit back and relax. By the way, this takes place in Trafalgar Square, which I believe is in London.(Don't ask.) Enjoy! -- Freidus, a philosopher of self-exploration sat down by his window, and observed the busy Tuesday that he was in the presence of. He knew the everyday routines of your average person inside and out. He knew the routines of the businessmen, who would constantly knock on his door to market their newest ideas on Friday evenings. “What matters in life? Who or what is superior in importance?†Freidus would ask himself over and over again. “What is our purpose? Why apply for jobs, knowing we could die a hero…or die a villain. Or even die, without a name.†He scribbled his thoughts down on paper. “We all follow a routine. We all have a schedule. We all must know that there is one person in this world with the same name as is.†He jotted that down. He looked out at the merchants selling their original pottery. He understood that they were only doing what they do best, but frowned at how they did not understand life as he did. “We can only re-invent a product. We cannot ‘create’ in the sense of what we think it to be. We only reproduce products, but in a more original way. Even when we think of ourselves being ‘creative’, we are creatively recreating creativity.†He chuckled at the amusing statement. “What is our purpose?†He got up from his chair and walked over to his mirror nearby. He looked solemnly at himself, observing his flesh, his hair, his fancy clothing. “What is my purpose?†These questions, the questions asked by a philosopher named Freidus, are frequently answered and can only be answered correctly by someone of superficial intelligence. One who has no name, one who has no cause, is one who is capable of answering these empty questions. He/She can answer them correctly.
I wouldn't really call it a story, it seemed to be more of a... snapshot, I suppose. I actually found it entertaining to read, though the philosophical questions asked in the text were cliché and the whole sort of "read that before" questions. Despite what you said, I felt no atmosphere created whatsoever, just insight into the mind of a genius. I also REALLY didn't like the opening line. "Tuesday that he was in the presence of" sounds wrong, like you tried too hard with the wording. Despite what my negative criticism suggests, I really enjoyed reading this. And it did make me chuckle. xD
You pretty much didn't bother creating a universe for Freidus to move about in and thereby made atmosphere harder to achieve. Saying it's in Trafalgar ahead of the story does a little something, but it's not part of the story and it doesn't really help. I wouldn't really call this philosophical because it doesn't explore ideas, it presents them and then tells everyone else to think about it without any stimulus or point of reference for their thoughts to work from. Most people wouldn't feel like thinking about something if it is brought up for no reason. You need to work on manipulating the audience to do what you want even if all you want them to do is something vague and nonspecific. I also get the pedantic vibe from everyone who tries to inject more than subtle philosophical elements, but there's nothing wrong with that. Overall, it's not really anything you said it was because it was far from finished in my opinion. It's going in the right direction, but it needs to have more of almost everything to be what it's advertized as. So, it's a case of not enough of the good things. I didn't notice anything actually bad here though, so I'll say you did a decent job.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Um, I'll be working on more stories over the summer. I'm somewhat "new" to this...I'm not really experienced in terms of storytelling. But whatever, I appreciate the criticism.
